Husband not interested in me

[frustratedandsad1]

My husband doesn't seem to want any sort of intimacy with me, and it's making me incredibly sad and frustrated.

We last had sex 5 weeks ago. The time before that was 7 weeks prior. Both of these times were (I think) because he felt he "ought to". I have a normal sex drive, I would like to be intimate maybe 2-3 times a week. So this is killing me slowly, if I'm honest.

Last night I asked him if we could spoon (yes, I'm that desperate) and he said of course. In actuality, he fell asleep on the sofa, came to bed at 5.30am and then slept with his back to me.

I feel like I am cohabiting with a sibling/friend/flat mate.

Anyone been through similar? Or have any advice, as to where the hell I go from here?

How about you discuss this in RL like adults?

'We haven't been intimate in a while. It's making me feel like im cohabiting with a friend I would like to resolve it so we are both happy.'

Easy.

Based on the discussion you know that you guys can work on things or end the relationship.

Lits the lack of communication or the subtle sabotage of communication that drives you mental.

Work out what you want out of your life. Your bottom line. Tell him.

Wait for him to prove he's bullshit ting you about wanting it too.

Get rid of him.

That's what happened to me. It's fucking exhausting being disa3and unhappy all of the time.

Harsh, limpylegs. I'm sure OP has thought of that already!
Is it difficult to talk about in real life OP?
How affectionate is your relationship in general? Men can be very sensitive about their performance in bed, and will behave like this instead of talking. Is he unwell, or under a lot of stress?
Your frustration is understandable.

OP how often do you try to initiate? Does he reject your advances?

What happens when you try to talk about it? Does he understand and agree that it is a problem? Does he pretend that it is not an issue and that you are creating a problem? Does he say that he has no/low libido and can't change that? Does he say he has ED? Does he refuse to talk at all?

Sorry for the barrage of questions- my heart goes out to you- . I know how terrible this feels: how it can get under your skin and make you feel like a stone.

Hey
All I can say is that we went through a phase of exactly the same thing, it took a long time but my husband finally went back to his Normal self, the biggest thing for us was to stop arguing, sit down and really talk to each other and slowly things improved. I realise now how stress can make a person doubt everything about the self and become I confident, I can also say that sometimes men have mental issues going on that really effect them and talking to a doctor can be easier than taking to your close ones occasionally.
Hope this helps

Have you tried doing more around the house??

Seriously, you need to talk.

What does he say when you talk to him about it?
Why is he not interested?
Is he tired?
Over-worked?
Stressed?
Depressed?
Have ED issues?
Do you have DC together?
Have you discussed having sex therapy together?
What about spicing things up?
How about going back to basics?
Nice night in on your own planned.
Cook together. No TV.
Chat and share a bottle of wine.
Some board or card games.
Then take things from there.

But the only way you will find out why he has lost interest is if you speak to him!

take a lover

This is us and its been like this for 6years. Neither of us have a sex drive. He used to and after the birth of our only daughter he stopped wanting to. I feel like a stuffed dog as he cuddles me and thats it. I feel.more hurt he doesnt want to and actally wanting to. Its really tough

I think 2 to 3 times a week is a high sex drive not average.
I have a very low or nil sex drive and my ex pestering for sex 3 plus times a week made me feel dehumanised.
It sounds like he's trying to avoid you because it's all too much for him.
You really should be considering counselling rather than not talking about it or the marriage will end.

I would say 2-3 times a week is average/healthy - there are plenty of couples who have sex considerably more than that. OP has not said she "pesters" him for sex three times a week, she said she would ideally like that. If anything more than once every 5-7 weeks is "too much" for him or anyone as a PP said then that's either a very low sex drive that may fundamentally signal incompatibility on that level, or there are issues with the relationship/ other life stresses.

How about you discuss this in RL like adults?

A ridiculous answer which doesn't take into account the confusion, shame and humiliation that can be felt when a partner no longer wants to have sex.

Well me and my partner have had sex 3 times this year and last time (21st september, I know because it was my birthday) I might as well got a vibrator out and done it myself the amount of effort he put in. So I do understand the way you feel.... but in all honesty I'm currently plucking up the courage to tell him to leave ..... I cant live like this the rest of my life feeling so empty and rejected.

Could he be having an affair?

@hollow It's her husband. She needs to be able to discuss things with him. Sure sit at home and worry about it but unless its spoken about it's not going to get resolved.

We've discussed it multiple times. He says he has no sex drive. He has been to the GP for another blood test this week. He had a test about 6 months ago and told me the results were normal, however, earlier this week he let it slip that his testosterone levels were borderline. He swears he told me this at the time, but he definitely did not!

Definitely no affair. Does sometimes have ED, but viagra sorts that out.

I do ALL the housework. He has a job that can be stressful at times, but at home he doesn't have to lift a finger. I work from home, so this suits me (run my own business with only takes a few hours a day).

We already sit and talk loads in the evening. Everything else is perfect.

He actually tried to be intimate this morning before work, but I suspect this was because I am going out with a group of women tonight and in his head I think he thinks I could get chatted up, and he'd rather I wasn't sexually frustrated (seen this cycle before). I refused his advances because I don't want to be picked up and dropped at his convenience!!

Been there. It's soul destroying being rejected all the time. We were more like friends and housemates than husband and wife. I'd tried to talk to him about it hundreds of times but nothing ever changed.

Eventually I said enough, we're divorcing, I didn't want to be in the same position in 20 years.

It was awful, we were the perfect couple to the outside world, and it's not an easy thing to explain why your 'perfect' marriage broke down. But I'm a couple years on, have an amazing partner who just can't get enough of me. I feel appreciated, wanted, loved. Best decision I ever made.

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It’s hard to accept. But it’s true. Men are very basic. If he’s not sleeping with you he’s either
A) sleeping with someone else
B) not that in to you
C) gay

Sorry. Harsh, I know. but us women like to fluff it up and there’s really no fluffing up to be done.
I don’t know you but you are beautiful and you deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated by the man you love and if he doesn’t then more fool him xxxx

Bloody hell 2-3 times a week is high? DH wants it atleast twice a day.

Janej your list is patronizing towards men, and inaccurate. Yes if he's gay he might not want sex with her. But men with healthy libidos don't generally need an emotional connection to want to have sex with someone the same way women seem to, so reasons (A) and (B) wouldn't really apply. The likeliest explanation is that he simply has a low libido.

(There is the issue of porn which often gets used here, but as I've argued porn use is more of a symptom of low male libido rather than a reason for losing interest in sex.)

^It’s hard to accept. But it’s true. Men are very basic. If he’s not sleeping with you he’s either
A) sleeping with someone else
B) not that in to you
C) gay^

True. But I would add a D. He has unresolved issues. Which he won't discuss with you.

So, A,B,C, or D are not going to get you anywhere, unless he is willing to open up.

Are you willing to let your life go by trying to fix someone who won't open up to you?

f he's gay he might not want sex with her.

Bottom line. Gay men DO NOT WANT SEX WITH WOMEN!

And if they do, they are not gay, but bisexual.