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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it all my fault?

26 replies

teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 01:00

So I was travelling to another city to visit friends and decided to also take opportunity to visit an elderly relative who lived there too. This was all to be within one day.
I only mentioned to my DH about the proposed visit to relative the night before I left. He said "Don't you think that's too much in one day? .. will get tired... you never told me.."
I said "It's ok .. Don't try to control what I do.." at which point he got very angry and swore and told me to "f off and sod off" and that was the worse insult I could give him (saying he's controlling)! How dare I say that .. he was just concerned about me.
A row continued and he said "f...ing" this and that and "feminist claptrap".
Yes there is a context to all this and we are trying to work on our relationship after problems. He has a quick temper and always swears horribly to me and I don't like it. He says I started it and it's my fault which is what he usually says.
My view is that he could have said "hey no I'm not trying to control you just worried" but instead he just fumes at me!
I have read many times on here that partners never swear at each other - when I quote this he disbelieves it and gives me a lengthy counter argument. He will say "Internet rubbish". And now he tells me the menopause is to blame!

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 16/10/2019 01:11

I guess you could have said “It’s okay but thanks for being concerned” because being accused of being controlling would piss someone off.

However, he gets angry and swears. Not good at all. My DH never swears at me and doesn’t get angry.

Him blaming your menopause is a low blow too. Maybe he needs anger management?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 16/10/2019 01:22

Don't try to control what I do.

This was a bit unnecessarily confrontational I think. I wouldn't say it anyway.

Swearing at you is not acceptable though.

Do you want to be with him?

BlueBirdGreenFence · 16/10/2019 01:38

Calling him controlling was the equivalent of throwing a grenade into the conversation. I think he was being a bit overbearing so I'd have told him I was capable of deciding what I could cope with myself thanks and left it.

Please don't put too much store into the advice you get on the relationships board. The advice is 99% awful with the majority telling you every single man is an abuser and LTB. No maybe have a conversation or try to reflect on what you both could work on to resolve things. And if a self confessed man-hating lesbian like myself is sticking up for the men, believe me there's something wrong here!

DonKeyshot · 16/10/2019 04:23

He's got a "quick temper" and you don't like him swearing at you? Who would want to be sworn at "horribly" by a quick tempered twat every time you say something that sets him off which, I'm guessing, is a frequent occurrence and be demeaned because of your age.

Left unchecked, he'll make the under the belt (no pun intended) menopause line run and run and replace it with an equally cheap and hurtful dig when your menopause years are over.

If he's not willing or able to reign in his verbal abuse of you, I suggest you look to find a man who is capable of communicating effectively without resorting to profanities because life really is too short to spend any more than minimal time in an unhappy/unfulfilling relationship.

Someoneontheweb · 16/10/2019 04:33

I don't think anyone has to put up with swearing. I know I wouldn't and it's no "internet rubbish" that my DH doesn't swear. My ex did and that's why he's an ex. And yes @BlueBirdGreenFence, swearing angrily is verbal abuse and not for the OP to reflect on. We all make mistakes and say the wrong thing sometimes, but I won't be spoken to without respect by my own partner.

DonKeyshot · 16/10/2019 04:47

For defending this verbally abusive excuse for a man I'm awarding you my first Biscuit BlueBirdGreenFence and I make no apology for advocating for the OP to LTB if he's unwilling or unable to change his ways.

Windygate · 16/10/2019 05:21

What would his reaction have been if you'd agreed it's a lot to fit in to one day so you'd stay overnight?

Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 09:11

I considered staying over but he probably wouldnt have been happy about that. He would have made some comment or been moody about it.
I can see why maybe I shouldn't have said about him controlling me, but the thing is, there is a bit of an issue about it.
He is not as bad as others but he has tendencies and the temper with it.
The fact that I only told him at the last minute is I think significant. I often do this (tell him something I'm going to do /where I going) and then he gets cross and spoils it all. And sometimes I just don't tell him to avoid trouble.
And even if he does care about me getting tired etc it's the way he speaks to me - which has gone on for years.
He often to tells me to 'grow up" and said this recently when trying to discuss the situation. He said sorry but it was my fault he swore!
He seems to overreact to things and he is clever at arguing. I try to explain how I feel.

OP posts:
Windygate · 16/10/2019 09:40

So he's controlling and abusive. Is that what you want out of life and your relationship? It's not what I'd want.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/10/2019 11:48

He would have made some comment or been moody about it.
Ahhh... so he IS controlling and abusive.
Why are you still with him?
He also has an awful temper.
What's the point of him in your life? I mean really????
Please stay out tomorrow and for the whole weekend.
Fuck him and his controlling ways.
You enjoy a bit of time away from him.
Confide in others about what is going on.
Abuse thrives on secrecy!

NameChangeNugget · 16/10/2019 13:23

The way both of you speak and act would be unacceptable to many

Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 13:33

Thanks for all your comments.
NameChangeNugget I can see why you might think that, but I said that to him as part of a context and an ongoing situation.
I have never told him to "*" off in a very angry voice. I have had this behaviour from him for a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 14:19

I have confided in others recently and it has helped me. They say his behaviour is unacceptable. He makes me feel things are my fault and I have to check with others or on here. It has all had a negative effect on me but in some ways I am a bit stronger.

OP posts:
Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 18:44

When I say it is emotional / verbal abuse he disputes it and tells me he is not that bad and how dare I insult him.

OP posts:
Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 22:46

And then he often tells me "to grow up".
No wonder I feel depressed.
I always feel on my own and wish someone could be in the room to say to "That's not acceptable".
My heart just beats incredibly fast and I get anxious.

OP posts:
Waitingforadulthood · 16/10/2019 23:41

You are afraid of him. That's a good reason to ltb. He's mean and aggressive and cruel. Why do you stay?

Original poster
teardropsfall · 16/10/2019 23:59

I don't really know. I have had counselling and I have said it's over and want to separate and then I just cannot do it. He gets upset and somehow reels me back in and we try again. But I wish I was away from it all. And he has had emotional type affairs with other women which have just thrown me over the edge in recent years. He says he wants it to work between us but we just end up in the same place. He says he won't lose his temper again.. but he does. He always has.

OP posts:
nearlynermal · 17/10/2019 00:04

So sorry you're going through this, OP. Sounds to me like he's broken you down over a long period and you should trust your deeper instincts.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/10/2019 00:06

You can do it. You don't need his permission to leave.

DonKeyshot · 17/10/2019 00:25

Oh come on, OP!! You can do so much better than this abusive controlling bad tempered arsewipe.

As the national number is vastly over subscribed, please click on this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and scroll down to find your nearest Women's Aid service.

Also google your local council as they may operate a 9-5 or out of hours da service

Talk to a da worker and enrol on the Freedom Programme. He may have ground you down but, with support, you CAN find the strength to leave him for good.

crystalize · 17/10/2019 07:42

It does no good telling him he is emotionally abusive. You know he is. Don't tell him about this thread either, this is for your support.

This is no way to live OP. I know that feeling of the racing heart and the anxiety. Only I didn't put up with it for so long.

He has certainly ground you down over the years so you feel stuck and afraid of making any move to leave.

I think you should stay away for the weekend with your relative. Fuck him. What can he do? Whats the worst that will happen?

crystalize · 17/10/2019 07:44

Also you don't need to discuss with him about leaving.
You do not need his permission or an excuse.
You are entitled to just go and leave a letter or email.

Original poster
teardropsfall · 17/10/2019 09:03

I do feel ground down. It has been a long time. He isn't going to change.

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 17/10/2019 09:44

He'll never change - he's got no interest in changing his ways and you've shown him he doesn't need to change because even though you threaten to leave him you never do, or if you leave he knows he can reel you back in simply by promising to do what he no intention of doing.

As for his emotional affairs with ow, if I were you I'd be praying that one of them would take him off your hands but he sounds so obnoxious I can't imagine any other woman staying with him for long.

Invest in a copy of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and enrol on the Freedom Programme. You can do it online but you will benefit from doing it in real life as you'll meet other women who are in, or have experienced, controlling relationships.

Use this thread to offload; there'll be no shortage of support for you here and in months to come you'll be able to look back and see your progress - or not as the case may be Smile

Idontwanttotalk · 17/10/2019 10:11

You are right, he isn't going to change.
If you want your life to change you are going to have to be the one that makes the changes.

People you have confided in have told you his behaviour is unnaceptable. Believe them.

What is the point in telling him in telling him it's over and you want to separate and then not following through?

Wishing you were away from it all is not going to help. You need to actually make plans for splitting from him or just do it but do something.

By staying with him you are choosing the life you currently have. If you don't want that life, make a different choice.