Never got started with dating or sex...is it too late now?

[CanThingsChange35]

I'm 35, have never had a boyfriend or had sex or even been on a proper date. I know I must sound like a freak.

Growing up, I never thought I'd end up this way. I hoped, like everyone does, that I'd find love, marry, have children etc. But I never even got out of the starting blocks.

I had a childhood which was very abusive, involving a lot of emotional abuse and neglect, being hit regularly, being expected to be an adult and there was an element of religious abuse. My parents had a lot to hide so people, friends etc were kept at bay and we led quite isolated lives. I was forbidden from dating. Sex was viewed with disgust and shame. I was scrutinised for any sign that I might be attracted to someone and shamed/humiliated for it. I was not allowed any privacy. My "future husband" and "future children" were spoken of a lot but I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend or anything. I wasn't allowed to go away to study or go out clubbing or drinking or anything like that. I led a very small life, living at home, caring for family members until recently.

I did meet someone and fell in love in my late 20s. I wanted to be his girlfriend, or wife even but he too had a lot of issues with relationships and couldn't get past his own parental issues, strict religious upbringing etc and would quite literally push me away whenever things started to get more physical. He blew hot and cold with me and could be really loving sometimes but really cruel and would treat me like nothing at other times. That, plus how I'd been taught to view myself from a young age, made me feel worthless and like no one would want me.

The first (and last time) I was asked out, I was in such a state of shock and panic that anyone might take an interest in me that I made an excuse and said no. I'd been pretty horrifically bullied at school by boys when they found out that I had a crush on a particular boy and was told no one would ever want me as a girlfriend and that I was an embarrassment so I just accepted I shouldn't ever approach anyone or show an interest.

I've been having counselling for a while now and I am in a good place now, although the no relationships/no sex thing has come up. It's just something I've accepted was never meant for me but I feel such loss and sadness around it and my counsellor has encouraged me to try dating.

The thing is that there is a massive generational gap between us and things have changed a lot in dating since she was single. I know men will expect sex etc on the 3rd date and that a lot of people are dating much more casually and with less of a focus on emotions, commitment etc. I cannot begin to imagine any man would understand me and accept that I have NO sexual experience at all. I've kissed and that's it. Pathetic at my age. I think I'd probably just been seen as one of those online dating horror stories of weirdoes that people met.

I have a lot of hobbies and friends but, now in our mid-30s, everyone except me is settled down.

Should I just accept it's over before it ever begun or do you think I could somehow start dating? Where could I begin? I just feel so stuck.

Some men expect sex on the 3rd date, but the sort of men you want to be dating will wait until you are ready.

Dating can be fun, but you need a thick skin. Dont think of it as a quest to find "the one", just think of it as meeting new male friends, and getting to understand yourself as a sexual person. Dont have sex with anyone unless you really really want to, and dont let anyone tell you crap like "everyone does it".

Do you have any friends-of-friends who might want to go for a drink?

I would encourage you to date, and to join the dating thread on here as you will need a lot of guidance. Not having experience and not wanting sex on the 3rd date may actually be a good thing? It will mean you filter those who only want that.

There are respectful men out there and the virgin thing won’t be offputting to most. The only danger is it’s a “challenge” to some.

It's not too late. It sounds like you've been through an awful lot and have been working through it, I think it's a good sign that you're now interested in dating.

I think most people now use dating apps which actually I don't think would be very good in your situation (a lot of ass holes out there). Do you socialise with friends, go out etc, would any of your friends know any suitable people that you might have things in common with and could introduce?

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of friends who all know i've been single for a while and who want me to meet someone lovely. I know if they knew anyone suitable they would try and get us together but everyone in my circle and beyond is settled.

I am a bit afraid of OLD for the reasons mentioned but given that I'm not meeting anyone through work, hobbies or friends, it seems like it could be my only option.

I AM interested in dating but equally incredibly terrified!

Hi OP,

Had sex 2 months before turning 40. I’m 41 now and broke up recently. If you haven’t done hpv vaccination I would advice to have it done before starting anything sexual.
Go on dates, and try to see if you like the person. Don’t allow anyone to guilt trip you in to sex or to do things you don’t want to do. You are still very young and could find someone lovely and caring. Good luck 🌸

I'd try widening your social circle so that you interact with more people, male and female. Running club, volunteering, walking group, church if you are that way inclined, etc. As your social circle widens, you will open opportunities.
I would avoid dating apps for now. Look at the dating thread for a feel of how things.

Don't worry about your age. You are still young.

@Inexperiencedchick wow, thanks your post makes me feel less alone and more hopeful. I feel almost embarrassed admitting to it but I am/was planning to have the HPV vaccine done privately soon through Boots. I say was as I have recently had an allergic reaction to a different vaccine so I'm unsure if I will be ok with the HPV one. But it's great advice.

I think I will be ok in terms of my sexual boundaries if it gets that far. I'm more nervous about how to bring up the fact that I've been alone my whole life and have no experience. I worry I'll just be a let down. I need to develop a thicker skin I suppose.

The younger members of my extended family (late teens) etc are now all dating and in first serious relationships and I suppose I can see just how much I've missed out on and what I was never allowed to have.

It's a relief to hear someone out there might be interested.

Maybe this is a daft question but do I have to tell someone about the fact I've never had a real relationship...could I maybe even hide the fact I've never slept with anyone?

I hate being "different". I am ashamed that I've not had a normal love life.

Thanks Mike, I'm not in a running club (I can't run due to a physical problem) but have volunteered, been active in my place of worship, have some sports and arts related activities, gym etc for well over 10 years. I'm involved with these kind of things 4-5 times a week. Maybe I'm just unlucky. I go to lots of things feeling hopeful and thinking maybe I will meet someone but...no luck so far!

You don't have to tell anyone and honestly there are people out there who are normal and nice who haven't had sex or much in the way of relationships who are the same age or are older than you.

Hey op lots of good advise on here already but I just wanted to say don't worry! One of my friends did this late but does it matter? No it doesn't!
It's good you are at counselling and feel like you would like to widen your experiences.

Don't get caught up in worrying about lack of experience etc.
Treat it as something to have fun with and yes you will need a thick skin.
Make sure you use protection when the time comes.
And you don't need to disclose any info you don't want to early on!

Thanks so much for your reassurance. I think I've felt like the only one for so long, I lost sight that there might be other people in a similar boat.

Thanks to everyone who has said I'm still young too. I feel positively ancient, but think the whole life experience has contributed to that. Life has been a bit of a battle and it's made me feel a bit old and weary. I've definitely been feeling a bit past it, so thank you for the boost.

I have openly told my ex, maybe because it was important for me. Come from a culture where the virginity is a tabu. He was very fine with it. I also had a sheltered upbringing with situations where visiting a friend’s house should only be for 15 minutes maximum. Overprotective family I should say. I was unlucky on the hpv side hence the warning. Try not to concentrate on the fact you haven’t had an experience. Just enjoy your time with people you meet but also be careful with red flags. People will tell you everything you want to hear, but actions speak louder. Mumsnet is a great place to get an advice.

@Inexperiencedchick I'm sorry to hear about your HPV experience and hope all is ok now. It sounds like we have had similar upbringings and I'm glad to hear your ex was ok when you told him.

I'm planning on doing the Freedom Programme for a bit more confidence but my counsellor said she thinks I'm pretty good at spotting the red flags and that I should be quite confident in that respect at least. I'd agree that the man I mentioned in my first post could say incredibly romantic things but his actions proved otherwise alot of the time.

Thanks again for your advice, it has really helped.

The sex thing is really not important. I met my partner at 36 and had DC at 38 - and not much in the way of sex before that - I was having a good time with my friends. Honestly, no one cares about how much sex you have had. If you want to get experienced go ahead on your own with some good toys and read up on it a bit. Try online dating - you don't have to have sex with anyone, and if they pressure you then they are fuckers. Remember it is a numbers game, just meet people for a coffee - its not a problem if you don't click - there are a lot of blokes out there. Be happy to leave your past behind and reinvent yourself.

Good luck OP 🎈🎈

Life is full of surprises 🥳

I wouldn't mention it. We're genetically programmed to have sex and your body will know instinctively what it's doing whether that be moaning, pushing itself closer to him or the nuts and bolts. As long as you are comfortable and feel safe, it'll just click into place.

Thanks everyone.

Cackling, it's good to hear you were a similar age too. I am experienced with solo sex so ok in terms of that, it's just with another person that I worry about. You are right...it's just coffee and getting to know people. That makes it sound less scary.

BlueBird, I'd like to not mention it and agree that a lot probably is instinctive and I feel like I'm quite a body aware and responsive person but I suppose it would feel a bit like lying. And I'm sure that it would soon become apparent, especially if it was a bit painful or if I was unsure with regards to positions and stuff.

I suppose it feels like quite a big thing to be keeping to myself as well during quite a key moment in my life. I'd like to be able to share the truth with the other person but that might scare him away, although posters on here have seemed to think it's not that big a deal.

I really don't know what would be the best thing to do at this stage. Be truthful or pretend I know what I'm doing.

Oh bless you! lt's never too late. l have no advice but l wish you well and l hope you find someone lovely. You deserve it. x

I saw someone suggested a running club but you’ve ruled it out. May I suggest becoming a volunteer at your local Parkrun? Possibly even the closest couple and do alternate weeks.

Parkrun is very friendly, a majority of runners are local and you’ll find many go for a coffee and chat at a local cafe afterwards. It’s a great way of getting to know people but in a very relaxed and informal way.

You are definitely not too old!

OLD gets a bad rep on here but the joy of it is that you know that the people therein are looking for a date at least. Enjoy it. Be yourself as in don't dress up too much or try and think of ways to be different. Just meet lots of people and have fun.

I'm sorry about everything you have been through. It sounds as if you're worried that potential partners might think less of you because of it. FWIW I think you must have amazing resilience, strength and wisdom to have experienced all that and be in the position you are now. Hopefully the "good guys" will respect you and anyone who has a problem with any of it is not a good guy. As the trite but true saying goes, the people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter.

My advice is to keep talking to your counsellor about those feelings of shame about your lack of experience in relationships. I can understand your embarrassment about feeling that you are different, but I really hope you can overcome the sense of shame. None of this is your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

And I hope that if and when you do meet someone you want to be in a relationship with, they make you feel comfortable enough that you can tell them you haven't had a relationship before. If they're the right person they won't be freaked (maybe a bit surprised) and they will hopefully be glad you told them. You might need to take things a bit slow for example and it will be easier for them to understand if they have an idea as to why. (Not that they need the whole story straight away.)

@CanThingsChange35 do at least read the dating thread on here, it is very helpful.

I am 40, but otherwise in much the same place as you, though I wasn't abused so don't have any excuse. I have only managed one date thus far so don't have much advice to offer, but I think other posters are right on the subject of experience, it won't matter to the right person, though I don't think it is information that you should be giving out too freely.

The 3 date rule is bollocks, and blokes can expect what they like, but they don't have to get it. Try to go into dating with fun in mind, with getting to know some guys, and having a good evening or at least an interesting one just.

I'd do the Freedom Programme on top of what you've already done, cos why not? It is really hard to reset what is taught by abusive upbringings.

I have also been in your position. I started seeing my first boyfriend when I was 42 (previous experience with men was 3 first dates through a dating agency years before). I did tell him about my total lack of experience as I felt I wanted to be honest with him, and to share it with him as to me it was a relevant/important part of my history. I also wanted him to be aware so he would know the first time might be awkward for me or might hurt a little or I just might not know exactly what to do. I did worry about his reaction and was so nervous about telling him (so much so that I did it in the dark in the middle of the night so I didn't have to look at him - I could barely get the words out!) He was lovely about it, and said it was fine and no big deal. It was the right thing for me do to tell him, but some people prefer not to say anything as that is the right thing for them. I would say it's completely up to you whether you tell a guy.

It turned out he had his own issues with performance anxiety, so we ended up doing a fair bit of non PIV sex for the first 18 months of our relationship. We had PIV sex for the first time when I was 44, and are still together a year later. If you'd asked me aged 40 if I would ever have a boyfriend I would have thought you were mad and been convinced I would die a virgin - I was sad about it but also had resigned myself to the fact that that is how my life would be. Honestly OP, it is never too late. Good luck!

Wow this thread is an eye opener i feel like a right slapper ha ha

Take things at your own pace and good luck OP