I'm 35, have never had a boyfriend or had sex or even been on a proper date. I know I must sound like a freak.
Growing up, I never thought I'd end up this way. I hoped, like everyone does, that I'd find love, marry, have children etc. But I never even got out of the starting blocks.
I had a childhood which was very abusive, involving a lot of emotional abuse and neglect, being hit regularly, being expected to be an adult and there was an element of religious abuse. My parents had a lot to hide so people, friends etc were kept at bay and we led quite isolated lives. I was forbidden from dating. Sex was viewed with disgust and shame. I was scrutinised for any sign that I might be attracted to someone and shamed/humiliated for it. I was not allowed any privacy. My "future husband" and "future children" were spoken of a lot but I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend or anything. I wasn't allowed to go away to study or go out clubbing or drinking or anything like that. I led a very small life, living at home, caring for family members until recently.
I did meet someone and fell in love in my late 20s. I wanted to be his girlfriend, or wife even but he too had a lot of issues with relationships and couldn't get past his own parental issues, strict religious upbringing etc and would quite literally push me away whenever things started to get more physical. He blew hot and cold with me and could be really loving sometimes but really cruel and would treat me like nothing at other times. That, plus how I'd been taught to view myself from a young age, made me feel worthless and like no one would want me.
The first (and last time) I was asked out, I was in such a state of shock and panic that anyone might take an interest in me that I made an excuse and said no. I'd been pretty horrifically bullied at school by boys when they found out that I had a crush on a particular boy and was told no one would ever want me as a girlfriend and that I was an embarrassment so I just accepted I shouldn't ever approach anyone or show an interest.
I've been having counselling for a while now and I am in a good place now, although the no relationships/no sex thing has come up. It's just something I've accepted was never meant for me but I feel such loss and sadness around it and my counsellor has encouraged me to try dating.
The thing is that there is a massive generational gap between us and things have changed a lot in dating since she was single. I know men will expect sex etc on the 3rd date and that a lot of people are dating much more casually and with less of a focus on emotions, commitment etc. I cannot begin to imagine any man would understand me and accept that I have NO sexual experience at all. I've kissed and that's it. Pathetic at my age. I think I'd probably just been seen as one of those online dating horror stories of weirdoes that people met.
I have a lot of hobbies and friends but, now in our mid-30s, everyone except me is settled down.
Should I just accept it's over before it ever begun or do you think I could somehow start dating? Where could I begin? I just feel so stuck.