Am I being unreasonable wanting more housework 'help'

[Spanglyprincess1]

So me and dp both work. Full time and have a 1 year old plus his three older ones 40%.
He does washing up x 3 days and cooking (takeaways or pizza as can't really) on the days all kids are here for him and older ones. He's never cooked for me or baby. I am veggie and he isn't so says he can't. I cook meat for him.
He ties the toys up every day and does 2 clothes washes a week but this is barely half as baby gets through a lt of clothes.
We split childcare evenly for. Our joint child but he does more night waking as he's a night owl and I start work before 6am. I do all bathtimes and bedtimes.
He has hoovered twice, in 8 months, never mops or brushes floor, won't do DIY as 'cant', says he will do garden but I've cut grass more often than him as given up waiting. Does no weeding. No pruning.
Never cleaned bathroom eg bleach or windows or dusted.
Am I being mad or is this unfair!? I approach it and he seems to think. He does everything, genuinely. Even if I list the stuff around the house.
How can I make him see he needs to help in bigger jobs eg garden or house repairs as I can't keep on top of everything.

Do you really need to ask if this is unfair? Unless there’s a long list of stuff that he does which you’re not telling us about then yes, this is massively unfair.

You’ve also failed to mention the mental load which I suspect you carry 99% of. Who is it that has to think about when the shampoo is about to run out? Who has to remember birthdays? Who takes the baby to GP/HV appointments? Who has to remember when babies jabs are due? Who replaces clothes when they are outgrown? Who buys the baby’s toys/nappies/medicine and the million other things that they need?

Honestly, you do even more than you relapse. You need to write it all down otherwise he will never understand.

*realise, not relapse!

Yeah I think it's cause he always says how busy he is whereas I do get on with stuff.
He does food shop so I say we need calpol etc then he will get it.
I think for stuf dlike that I might just have to say look in the cupboard and check yourself

Just casually ask him to put an other load of washing on or empty the bin or hoover the front room.
Men can be lazy, especially if we do the chores anyway (in their minds)
Also how old are his other DC? Depending on how much time they spend at yours, they could chip in with washing up / tidy up toys.
I showed my DH 3 easy to cook meals, to save on takeaway and give DC a better diet. He does cook "properly" now... mostly popping jars of sauce with added veg!

Just tell him he needs to do x instead of asking.

So let's say at the weekend "I'll do the hoovering you go and mow the lawn"

"Put a load in the wash while I bathe the kids "

"Are you fixing the toilet or should I get a plumber in for next week?"

And stop doing extra stuff just because he isn't. Unless absolutely necessary,no one died because they haven't dusted.

If he's not much of a cook (and more of the order in type)though, I can see why he might
find cooking veggie tricky. That's the only thing I'd be understanding about.

I think the worry im unreasonable bit is he got up with 1 year 4 times during the last night. As he's always been a bad sleeper.
So he will complain all day how tired he is.
I've offered to split the night waking differently but he says I need my sleep...wich is very nice of him. So I worry that he is struggling.
But I let him lie in on the weekends so he can try and catch up as I don't have work.

Yes he needs to help more but he probably won't. I used to do most of the housework and the accounts ... as well as doing a full time job.

He's self employed and I refuse to help with that at all as I have a job and a toddler. So it's a flat no.
I'm desperate to be fair but I can't do everything.

in all honesty, I think you have to cut him some slack for the night waking. It takes such a toll on your energy, your cognitive capacity and your mental health. The difference in our house/lives/general organisation/relationship between the years or broken sleep and getting a decent night is phenomenal.

But on a practical level, writing out a to-do list and initialing what you’ve done might help. Actually seeing in black and white who is doing what might change his perception both of what he’s doing and what needs doing.

He does the food shopping, night waking, cooks and dishes 3 days a week, laundry a couple of times a week.

So that leaves 4 days of dishes and cooking, maybe a couple more laundry loads and then what? A bit vacuuming and dusting in the week?

Who does bed stripping and remaking? Who does the bins?

Oh I cut him a massive amount of slack, ds is a sleep is for the weak baby and I have him on my own for stretches while dp works away and it's knackering but I can't just leave all the housework then either.
As otherwise we drown in washing and ds eats wierd stuff he finds on the floor.
A list is a good idea, sounds draconian but might help if we split tasks fairly etc.

won't do DIY as 'cant'

That's won't, not can't. He can do it, he does not want to

I can’t believe he cooks for himself and the kids but not for you That’s awful.

If you’re both working full time, can you afford a cleaner or someone to do the garden and DIY? If I was working FT and getting up four times a night, the last thing I’d want to do would be dust windows or cut the grass.

This seems ok to me, he cooks and washes up three times a week, does two loads of washing, tidies the toys every day, does the food shop and all the night wakings... The night waking is a big job.
This leaves you with cooking and washing up 4 nights rather than three, another couple of loads of washing, and the cleaning (couple of hours tops to clean kitchen, bathroom, hoover and dust). DIY is not a man's job, in the same way night waking isn't a woman's job, if you can't do it either you'll need to get someone in.

I'd wonder why he'd changed since the baby was born.

Because, presumably, you didn't knowingly choose to have a baby with a man who behaves like this?

I do all of the DIY and gardening as it is. He won't pay for a gardener or DIY type person or cleaner.
He volunteered to do night waking and I keep offering to help. I used to. Do them all until a few months ago as ds doesn't want milk overnights now.
Really ds sleep needs sorting as it's exhausting for everyone involved.
He's self employed so flexible hours which means so times when ds is in childcare he will. Go back to bed and start later but yes I agree ref it being totally exhausting.

What do you mean "he won't pay" ? Is he the sole earner? Are you his domestic slave? You said you work FT as well. He does not get full control of all money coming in.

Plus how hard is it to do a vegetarian pizza for god's sake?!

I think you've got to cut him some slack as he does all night wakings.
Can you get in a gardener? I got a robohoover and that cuts out having to vacuum.

He won't pay half as says can't afford it. Tbf he has 4 dc and I just have our joint one.
But I find it exhausting.
He does night wakings in the week but I start at 5 for work and do all bedtimes with him plus all of everything when he works away around 30% of all weekends Fri to Mon.
So it fair ish ref the childcare etc for our son. But I do. Appreciate how tiring ds is as it destroys me when I do it by myself

Who is he helping? The word help suggests he is helping you! Get it clear in your head first that everything is joint, then split the jobs between you.

Don’t be a doormat, absolutely stick to your guns.

Why did you start this thread then? You are very quick to defend him and defend your choice to accept the status quo.

So he doesn't want to pay 50% of a cleaner. Does this mean you have separate bank accounts? What's stopping you getting a cleaner then?

It's all well and good to have a moan but seriously if you want things to change you are going to have to DO something, CHANGE your behaviour. You can't change him. You only have control of what you do or don't do.

Harsh much.... I can afford half but not all and its our joint responsibility to clean we are both adults.
I've agreed with other posters suggestions reflosts etc

Tbh if I'd been up 4 times in a night with a baby and someone came in nagging I'm not sure I wouldn't launch said baby at their head.

Yep but equally house has to be clean. I don't not do it when I'm up with him.
The sleeping issues with ds is the route of all evil I suspect as everyone's tiers n snappy and exhausted which means no time.
Sleep. Consultant might be answer rather than the splitting jobs