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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s trying to buy me off

77 replies

BellaPuppy · 15/10/2019 19:59

Hi everyone, me and my husband of 1 year 2 months (been together for 6 years) are separating due to his lack of intimacy, affection and not able to communicate any more. I have two children who we have lived all together continuous in the Last 6 years via my rented houses. although biologically they are not his. They don’t have regular access to their real dad as he moved abroad many years ago. We live in a family home he bought that we chose together just months before marrying. He insisted he put the house in his name only as he was paying the mortgage as he is a high earner. He didn’t want me named on the bills either for same reason he said. I found all this very strange but went with it... so fast forward and he’s completely changed. He won’t talk and just shuts down when I try and discuss anything of any importance. He pretended to forget our first wedding anniversary - well he didn’t do anything or say happy anniversary. I was really upset by this inside but expected it somehow. So fast forward and I confronted him again this time saying we will have to split up if he can’t communicate with me and he just said split up then. One week later and he’s offered me £10K and all the furniture in the house apart from the main large tv and the newest sofa we have. He’s expecting me to move out and rent somewhere. I was shocked at being offered this. And offended. I’m supposed to rent a place with rents round here average if £750 for a small 2bed and I have two children 7&9 years old. I’ve got an appointment next week but he wants me to take the money friday. Can anyone offer any advice on this? Thank you 🙏🏻 im self employed and run a small business

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 19/10/2019 19:12

@IndieTara thank you x

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 19/10/2019 19:14

Did the police give any advice?

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 19/10/2019 19:41

@Starlight456 they said he can't ask me to leave and I can't ask him either as both have right to stay unless he actually hits me but they have a note of what's happened now incase of another time

OP posts:

june2007 · 19/10/2019 19:57

You could be accused of causing issues if you were filming him, like goading him on so I wouldn't do that even though I understand why.

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 19/10/2019 23:10

@june2007 I didn't film him at all but when he started swearing abuse at me I turned on the voice recorder on my phone as I was scared he was going to physically hurt me - I needed some evidence that he was violent prior to this happening. Luckily he didn't hurt me, just objects and punching walls cupboards the side of fridge! It was frightening and I tried to turn on phone record while having my back to him but he saw it so he knew and that then made it worse :-/

OP posts:

INeedAFlerken · 19/10/2019 23:31

If you're staying there, I recommend you keep you phone on you at all times and turn it to record immediately in your pocket, especially when he comes home tonight.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 19/10/2019 23:43

You didn't cause him to do anything op. If he wants to split up he can still do it fairly and be reasonable about your living situation. There is absolutely no reason to be smashing things up. This is on him, not you.

notapizzaeater · 19/10/2019 23:54

He's pissed off as he expected you to take his offer and go. Tough, life's not like that.

Have you someone close by if needed ?

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 22/10/2019 22:39

So I've seen the solicitor who assured me not to take the offer from him and to stay put and to get divorce proceedings underway this week. The costs are huge literally 1000 on account up front but I feel it's unavoidable as he can not communicate without anger... all his valuables are disappearing daily from the home by him, not me I must add! and I'm just hoping I can cope being in the same house when he gets the letter this week from my solicitor. I don't think he will ever see it's better to settle before going down this road.

OP posts:

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/10/2019 01:45

Easy for me to say but be strong. You will get through this and it will all have been worth it in the end. You will end up with what you are entitled to; no more, no less and all his bluster and unpleasantness won't change that fact.

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 29/10/2019 22:51

Update.... I had a wobble and decided to take the 10k... i hadn't told him this at this point. I had a night being upset about everything then the next day I changed my mind back again. Since proceeding with the solicitor he got the divorce letter through at weekend and said nothing but I could tell he was seething. He has since apparently now quit his well paying job and told me he's dissolved his company of which I'm a director. He's stopped my monthly payment from this also. His plan is not to make me as uncomfortable as possible in the house and as poor as anything so I leave. The other thing is the house needs to be remortgaged next week. I have hime rights registered so he cannot. He doesn't realise this yet. I told him he needs to just sell the house he said he's not paying the mortgage anymore - he wants to let it get repossessed. There's £50k equity minimum. He may be just saying this to scare me but I know after all this behaviour I do not want to be married to him for a moment longer than necessary. I don't even know who he is anymore or maybe I never knew the real him! 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/10/2019 23:03

He has really shown who he is OP. What an embarrassing arsehole he is - tantrums and threats because he is annoyed he couldn't frantically intimidate you into taking 10k when he knows you would be due a great great deal more than that. How awful for you OP.

Sadly for him OP there are laws against the hiding of assets during a divorce. I would keep a not of every item he removes and it's value, a note of every action he has taken financially and the date and appraise the solicitor so that a forensic accountant can be brought in. I would advise him I have engaged the services of one and cease contact.

He can't dissolve a company you are a director of or remortgage your home without your consent and signature anyway, he sounds like a complete moron. Listen to nothing he says OP, run it all by your solicitor. He isn't bigger than the law and your solicitor can clarify all that you need clarified. Ensure you appraise them kf the hiding of assets and discuss the forensic accountant.

He is hoping to bully and intimate you out of your own money here OP. He's got nothing really, and that's why he's acting out. You are more in control than he is.

Comtesse · 29/10/2019 23:10

I am no expert but please check with solicitor before you accept this £10k rubbish....

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 30/10/2019 00:13

Thank you @dontgobaconmyheart and @Comtesse
I just wonder if it will affect anything if I am to move out. I would have to get some assistance with local housing allowance and that could take 6 weeks to get help with plus deposit for moving. My dad may be able to help with deposit but will it affect things... I've resisted asking my solicitor lots of questions as it's all chargable - but I think I can move on emotionally if I'm out of the house with the kids with me of course. He's a loose cannon and volatile - he's being unreasonable and doesn't seem stable at all (other than hiding every valuable and asset) do I stay during divorce or leave and let solicitors deal with everything ie cease contact. thanks for advice with all this everyone I appreciate it

OP posts:

HugoSpritz · 30/10/2019 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 09:42

On first reading , I have to say I was shocked that you expected him to leave a house he bought and was paying for, so you could live there with your kids.
Luckily the law works in favour of wives in this area, so hopefully you may get some settlement, but I wouldn't expect to be living in the luxury you have been accustomed too.
Saying that it does seem a small price to pay for you future happiness.

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 30/10/2019 10:03

@Cheeseandwin5 just to clarify, I never said I wanted him to leave the house and for me to stay, I'm wanting and willing to leave.... I just don't feel it's fair that he ends up with all the equity in the house and I walk away with peanuts in comparison because he didn't make any effort in the marriage...

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 30/10/2019 13:44

@BellaPuppy I found it easier (and cheaper) to bullet point my questions for the solicitor in a letter. That way I only paid £20 per letter plus the cost of her writing back rather than the ridiculous amount I was charged for telephone calls (which start charging from the minute you say 'hello'! ) needless to say I never wasted time on pleasantries. It also meant I got the answers back in one go rather than her having to spend time on the phone umming and ahhing about it.

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 30/10/2019 14:54

@Blobby10 thank you that's really helpful I will do this x

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MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 15:41

There is no way whatsoever that the company has been dissolved overnight. There are steps to go through, and he needs your signature.

Don't settle for his offer, hell be offering the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 15:44

And if you want to check on the company, checknon companies house, it's part of the gov.uk site and you can download documents.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/10/2019 16:54

Please don't accept the offer of £10,000. Just go ahead with the divorce and let your solicitor negotiate.

Your husband's behaviour will do him no favours in the divorce. Hiding assets is against the law and, as PPs have said, a forensic accountant will find them. Keep a note of objects he's removed.

After he's trashed the house and terrified the DC you say It's awful and I feel awful he's gone through this I feel sorry and sad for him.

Well I don't feel sorry or sad for him. I feel sorry and sad for you and your DC, you know, the actual victims.

Has it not sunk in how cynical the man has been since before your wedding? He has calculatedly done everything he can to minimize your rights. He has never seen you as an equal partner or your marriage as permanent. Just working all that out, and what it told me about how he feels about me would kill my love.

Who he is now is who he's always been.

Original poster

BellaPuppy · 30/10/2019 22:22

@Prawnofthepatriarchy you are right and I needed to hear this... I have been in denial really about how calculating he has actually been throughout. It's not a nice feeling and at the end of the day 6 years wasted. I need to remember this what you have said. I've screen shot it so I remember it every day. I may even put it as my phones wallpaper. Thank you 🙏🏻

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Original poster

BellaPuppy · 30/10/2019 22:27

Today all new bank cards arrived. I never had access anyway to his bank accounts but seems he felt the need to get new cards for all. He's told his solicitor he gas already filed for a divorce online. He thinks he did it first... his divorce letter from mine arrived Saturday, I however have had no notification of anything Re an online divorce. I'm now filling in the E forms as my solicitor has asked me to.

OP posts:

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 31/10/2019 04:50

No amount of money or lack thereof is worth your safety and your kids. He is conniving, selfish and evil. You wanna fight for what's yours do it from afar. Get out now.

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