Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s trying to buy me off

77 replies

BellaPuppy · 15/10/2019 19:59

Hi everyone, me and my husband of 1 year 2 months (been together for 6 years) are separating due to his lack of intimacy, affection and not able to communicate any more. I have two children who we have lived all together continuous in the Last 6 years via my rented houses. although biologically they are not his. They don’t have regular access to their real dad as he moved abroad many years ago. We live in a family home he bought that we chose together just months before marrying. He insisted he put the house in his name only as he was paying the mortgage as he is a high earner. He didn’t want me named on the bills either for same reason he said. I found all this very strange but went with it... so fast forward and he’s completely changed. He won’t talk and just shuts down when I try and discuss anything of any importance. He pretended to forget our first wedding anniversary - well he didn’t do anything or say happy anniversary. I was really upset by this inside but expected it somehow. So fast forward and I confronted him again this time saying we will have to split up if he can’t communicate with me and he just said split up then. One week later and he’s offered me £10K and all the furniture in the house apart from the main large tv and the newest sofa we have. He’s expecting me to move out and rent somewhere. I was shocked at being offered this. And offended. I’m supposed to rent a place with rents round here average if £750 for a small 2bed and I have two children 7&9 years old. I’ve got an appointment next week but he wants me to take the money friday. Can anyone offer any advice on this? Thank you 🙏🏻 im self employed and run a small business

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 17/10/2019 00:09

What do you mean by you renovated it?

DeeCeeCherry · 17/10/2019 00:20

Speak to a solicitor and don't let anyone else convince you that you won't get anything at all.

Yes you will. Even if it's not 50%. You are his wife.

Get a solicitor immediately.

I bet your husband has already sought advice and had an 'oh shit' moment, hence his offer in an attempt to get rid of you without being fair.

BellaPuppy · 17/10/2019 00:20

@BlockedandDeleted would you be asking this if I was a man? I didn't just paint a few walls.

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 17/10/2019 00:23

Yes.

Cambionome · 17/10/2019 06:40

He is trying to bulldoze you into agreeing with something that suits him. Stand absolutely firm and tell him that you are not making a decision until you have received legal advice.
It might well be worth seeing more than one solicitor - I saw 3 and the third one was by far the best, although not the cheapest. However, he ended up getting me another £65,000 on top of what my exh was offering, so it was well worth it.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Ellisandra · 17/10/2019 12:28

Why on earth did you let him live in your houses rent and bill free for 5 years? Shock
AND wait on him hand and foot?
Oh love, I know it’s early to be thinking about the future, and other men doesn’t even have to be part of your future... but I promise you that if you recognise what you deserve in a partner, you are going to be amazed in future at how much better it is!!

It is a relevant question about what you did in the house, and how that was funded.

There are no hard and fast rules in divorce. Yes, your cohabitation counts - but only if it was continuous. You say it was, but you also say it was you paying the rent and bills. Was that because he was living with you, but could show residency elsewhere? For example, was he on the electoral register at his parents and would claim that he was just “staying over with a girlfriend”, not cohabiting? That’s what I would claim if I wanted to fight dirty.

Even if you can include cohabitation, case law doesn’t firmly back up 6 years as a long marriage. It’s definitely in the maybe / maybe not camp. Your financial arrangements (him not paying rent) may have a bearing on that.

It would probably be in your financial interests to establish that he had taken financial responsibility for your children. I’m not suggesting that this is fair, only talking factually. I believe the phrase is “children of the marriage”. However, if he made no financial contribution when you were cohabiting, then I would guess (and I’m not a lawyer!) that that would be harder to claim.

So, if you are a “short marriage”, your claim is potentially limited to 50% of the increase in equity during your marriage. Even if you can get it from the house purchase, it’s not that long before your marriage anyway.

So you might be able to take another angle, as you would if not married - establishing a beneficial interest in the property. That would include if you had paid for significant renovation or remodelling, or provided valuable labour for those yourself. You’d also need to argue that it was intended for you to have an interest. As he paid all the bills except food, if I were him I’d argue that your contribution wasn’t ever intended by either of you to secure and interest in the property, but was simply your share of bills.

You are right not to agree anything without a solicitor. But it could matter, what you did to the house and what money you personally put into that.

What money have you put into the current house?
And what was happening when he was in your rented property before? Were you financially joined then?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/10/2019 13:04

Sensible advice as ever from Ellisandra, and when you see a solicitor it's worth remembering that their role is to gather facts - good, bad or indifferent - rather than spend time telling you how awful your DH is. At £150 plus per hour they'll probably have a shot at doing that if you really want it, but since it sounds as if he's working hard to stiff you their time's better spent on the practicalities

It's understandable if you don't wish to share details on here of course, but if they're going to do their best for you, the solicitor will need the lot

Idontwanttotalk · 17/10/2019 13:29

"Oh and while you are at it, register your matrimonial home rights via the Land Registry, its a form you can fill in yourself and post off (you don't need a solicitor to do this).

That will stop him from selling the house from underneath you."
Yes. Complete an HR1 form on Land Registry's websight to register your Home Rights.

Ellisandra · 17/10/2019 14:21

Sensibly, OP did that already - she posted in Divorce board and was directed here where it is busier!

Absolutely agree with @Puzzledandpissedoff - do not use your solicitor as a therapist. I remember mine telling me that she had to keep cutting off clients who were paying an awful lot of money to complain about their ex to her!

Witchinaditch · 17/10/2019 14:41

It doesn’t matter who’s name the house is in you’re married you can get half. Get a solicitor ASAP

Ellisandra · 17/10/2019 15:19

@Witchinaditch that’s simply not true. OP has no automatic entitlement to half of his assets. She has the right to make a claim on them, because she is married. The starting point for consideration is a 50/50 split - and then the parties provide their reasoning why it should be otherwise. In this case, I would say that the husband has a strong case for less than 50% to OP.

  • it is a short marriage
  • it is not definitely a long marriage even if cohabiting time is considered
  • he may be able to argue that they were not living together as a couple before for all that time, as it doesn’t sound (from the admittedly scant info) like they were financially integrated
  • the children are not his
  • it doesn’t sound like OP’s earnings were impacted by the relationship - she has her own business, and was earning enough to pay all the rent and bills herself prior to this new house
  • OP didn’t put any money into this house purchase
  • OP has not contributed to the mortgage or bills for it
  • as a couple they chose* not to include OP on the mortgage and deeds to the new property - if I were him, I would argue that despite marriage there was no intention between them that the house be considered jointly owned, because everything is in his name AND he has paid for it all

*OP, I don’t mean that you actively chose that the house was his, but you could have refused to move into the house on that basis. I know what I’d argue if I were him.

Unless there’s a big thing we don’t know - like, he saved £50K deposit for the house by being bankrolled by OP paying all their rent and bills for 5 years AND that was always agreed between them it was because he was sharing for THEIR joint deposit, then it doesn’t look like OP has made any contribution to the house.

I know that if I were him, I’d be getting a good solicitor lined up.

And so should OP.
But it’s wrong to say she can get 50%.

Witchinaditch · 17/10/2019 16:24

Even if that’s true or not she can get more than 10k

Ellisandra · 17/10/2019 17:03

There’s no “if” about it. There is no law that automatically awards 50% of the equity in a house to each party of the divorce.

I agree that OP is very likely to be awarded more that £10K. Although, that does depend on part on whether she is correct about the increase in equity in the last 2 years. Many areas have stagnant markets currently.

NameChangeNugget · 17/10/2019 18:10

Take no notice of some of the woefully inaccurate legal advice on your thread OP.

Agree to nothing until you’ve taken independent legal advice.

Starlight456 · 17/10/2019 18:29

I absolutely agree with @NameChangeNugget

BellaPuppy · 19/10/2019 00:13

Today he's bombarded me with texts getting angry that I haven't left it took his offer (but will not talk to me face to face at all) and I have responded with "i don't know what I am going to do yet but you can't just rush me out of the family home" his response was, it's not the family home it's MY house. He said he wants me/us gone 😔 he's treating me like I am a lodger :-( roll on Tuesday when I get to see the solicitor. He's getting very worried and angry now I don't know how long I can stay in this house with him getting nasty now... it's not nice on the kids. Although he only every sends texts. He just won't speak.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 19/10/2019 00:40

Of course he's getting nasty. It's a way of upping the pressure on you to accept his offer and leave. Dig in and DON'T LEAVE until you have spoken to a solicitor

user1479305498 · 19/10/2019 01:51

The only way I would agree to that was if there was no equity in the house at all. It may be his in name but it’s a marital asset and hence all assets are looked at in marriage

PerkyPomPoms · 19/10/2019 02:23

Don’t leave until you’ve had your appointment

Mummacake · 19/10/2019 07:47

Keep all texts and emails if you haven't already and stop doing anything for him. I really mean it - no laundry, no cooking, no shopping for him. Let him provide for himself. I agree with pp regards short marriage, but if you have receipts for materials etc when you were doing renovation work, these will help. In sure that you'll get more than 10k depending on the equity in the house. Write a list of Q for the solicitor, use the time wisely.

Starlight456 · 19/10/2019 08:13

Well he is sweating isn’t he . Agree keep the texts

ukgift2016 · 19/10/2019 08:24

Keep all the texts.

If he gets nasty, call the police. You are married, he cannot force you out of the house.

You will be entitled to something. He is trying to fob you off with the 10k. 10k is nothing.

Queenoftheashes · 19/10/2019 08:32

Don’t let him pressure you into anything. Stay strong and wait for your solicitor.

BellaPuppy · 19/10/2019 14:21

The police had to be called :( he started smashing everything up in the house and went crazy because I said I had a right to be there as had matrimonal rights on the house. He didn't think I'd be entitled to do anything like that and totally lost the plot. It was very frightening and he's gone out now. Hoping he stays out for the night... luckily I recorded him on my phone being really abusive to me and swearing constantly when the kids were near him. Unfortunately that made him worse. It's awful and I feel awful he's gone through this I feel sorry and sad for him, I don't want to see anyone ever be like that never mind my husband. The guilt I feel is awful that I caused him to react like that. I know it's him that's done this but I feel so so sorry for him :( even tho he wouldn't feel sorry for me...

OP posts:
IndieTara · 19/10/2019 14:31

Op he really has done you a favour showing his true colours now. And as you said he won't feel sorry for you. He has used fear and violence to get you out of that house with no consideration for his step kids.
Now it's time to be cold, logical and get whatever is due to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread