I snooped on his phone, now what do I do!

[ncfortuesday]

Nc'ed for this because I shouldn't have looked and I'm embarrassed, but curiosity got the better of me. We have been together 4 years, we are happy, have just bought a house together and are looking forward to the future.

I think it might be minor? but it knocked me sick and I can't focus on anything at work today through thinking about it so much. What do you think?

I found messages between him and a girl he used to go to school with. They started about a year ago with her messaging him about getting in contact with one of his best friends, I think she wanted his friends phone number. He mentioned this to me at the time and said he thought it was weird of her, I'd forgotten about it until I saw the messages last night. The messages carried on for about a day, very innocent references to high school, the messages then just stopped.

In April this year they started up again by him messaging her a screenshot, again a reference to something funny that happened at high school. They were lighthearted messages that went on for a few weeks until she replied with 'yeah, it's probably because I fancied you!' And the conversation turned to them talking about that and him saying it had taught him to grow some balls and to just say at the time how he feels, because he had fancied her too. She said why had he never said anything, he replied saying he was young bla bla and then with a screenshot from Facebook of him commenting on her picture (10 years ago!) where she had brushed off him complimenting her. The conversation continued in the same way, nothing sexual, but she did say 'so all that time we were pretending to help each other get with the others best friend, when really we liked each other' there was some more back and forth and she said 'I've got work, goodnight x' he replied 'goodnight x'.

The messages then went on for another day or two and then just stopped.

Why the kisses? Why would he say he should have said something at the time, as if he regrets not doing?

I shouldn't have looked, I know this. But now I feel physically sick! I can't shake it off. I would never talk to another boy this way. But I can't tell him I snooped on his phone.

What do I do!? If I'm being ridiculous, tell me! I have a lot going on right now, feeling delicate and abit wobbly as it is, this has just sent me over the edge I think, please be kind.

You are being ridiculous.

I don't think the kisses are really the issue. I accidentally put kisses on MN posts sometimes

But it was some weak ass flirting, if nothing else.

He hasn't spoken to her for 6 months and you're happy.
Clearly nothing has happened, and nothing will happen.

You shouldn't have snooped and you've gone pretty deep with your snooping.

Let it go.

It's not great but it's really not the end of the world. It was just some minor flirting, in my opinion. It fizzled out to nothing and there's been no contact in months. I'd let it go. But why did you snoop in the first place?

I think you're over reacting and reading something that isn't there. I put a kiss on a text to my boss the other day (by mistake), doesn't mean there is anything going on.

If you go looking for trouble you'll often find it.

I think you either need to fess up so it stops eating at you - and risk ruining your relationship, or just let it go. Nowt happened.

I'm so, so relieved by your responses. I feel like I've lost all perspective on it. I think it's more of a shock because it's so out of character for him.

I probably looked because I'm feeling abit insecure at the moment and wanted reassurance everything was ok. Not because of him, he constantly tells me he loves me, compliments me, is generally lovely. Maybe I am just being extremely needy.

Like I said, it's been a stressful few months with alot going on, I'm probably just abit out of sorts.

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy you're absolutely right, thank you.

You have snooped because your gut is telling you something you have discovered he is flirting with someone else behind your back telling her he fancied her even going to the effort of screen shotting a really old post.
He has over stepped boundaries.
I wouldn't trust him.

It's probably nothing, I agree sometimes when you look for something you're already in that frame of mind so your perception might see something differently. There's no real need to be declaring they once fancied each other after all this time. What's to be gained?

I personally couldn't give a s* about who I fancied at high school & would probably cringe about it.

I wouldn’t say you’re being ridiculous, but I do think you’re worrying over nothing 🌷

It’s a bit of harmless chat about how hopeless they were as teenagers. Just because he wishes he’d told her how he felt then, doesn’t mean he was thinkIng as far ahead as how he might not then have met you, simply because all our decisions change life’s path (For example a lot of women aren’t with the Dad of their children and often probably wish they’d never met them. It doesn’t mean they’d swap their kids for anything!)

They had both been being open & honest about that time in their lives and said Goodnight x. It is just a way of acknowledging that moment, nothing more.

He is with you, he loves you, you’ve just bought a house together... don’t waste this lovely time in your life dwelling on this & worrying. It’s harmless chat 🌷

Nothing to worry about from what you’ve said.

About 7 years ago an old school friend got in touch with me & basically said the same, he had fancied me in school, at first I was slightly offended and perplexed (said guy is now openly gay) and I didn't really respond and skirted around it.
Anyway it turns out (and I've spoken to OH about his own since)
He did indeed fancy me in school & somewhat feels I was his first love (it wasn't really it was just a crush we never dated) and how even though he's gay and has never fancied another girl/woman there is something about your childhood crushes you just carry through life.

I remember a couple of my crushes as a teenager and actually theyve mostly managed to turn into horrible adults or are now fairly unattractive. (Or maybe my type changed)

But when i think of them its not the men they've turned out to be but the boy they once was.

I think it's normal and though I feel it's tricky that they are now in touch so long as its all open and honest and not secretive it shouldn't be a problem at all.

I wouldn't worry about the x i do this all the time without meaning too, its become such a habit.

Enjoy your new home & congratulations and honestly I think you guys are absolutely fine!

I've had funny reminiscent chats with old school friends to realise how silly we were not realising the other fancied them or not knowing what to do about it/teenage insecurities and cluelessness. Doesn't sound like anything to worry about, but the trust issue does. You might want to work on that.

Nothing has happened so I would just forget about it.

The kiss on the message was because talking about it “timetravelled” them both back to how they felt at the time years ago. They momentarily remembered having an intense crush on someone and like sensible normal people woke up from the memory and stopped bothering to text.

Nothing to worry about honestly, but it is a good reason not to go snooping (unless you feel you can handle whatever you find).

I once had a similar conversation, with my friend's husband, in front of our spouses. My friend and I had worked in a small village, and there were lots of teenage romances going on between local boys and the girls we worked with. My friend and I both married village boys, and 20 years later we were all reminiscing about those days, and I said "I went out with a lot of the boys....but not with you!" and he said "Well I thought I didn't stand a chance with you", and I said "Well if you'd asked, I'd have said yes!". My friend and my husband didn't bat an eyelid, because it was a teenage thing, just as with your partner and the other girl. I don't think you need worry. And when I message that man, and my exes, I always put kisses. It doesn't mean I fancy any of them, or want them back.

I'm a very cynical, suspicious old bat and even I can't see anything to worry about here!

I think you snooped because of being on MN - it seems every other DH is on dating sites/having an affair at work/ watching porn/ seeing sex workers. It makes you wonder!

But this really isn't "all men". Not at all. There are many, many wonderful husbands and bfs out there.

I totally get why you feel the way you do, but it really is nothing at all in my eyes. Try to forget it and vow not to look at the phone again.

Gentle reminiscing between friends.

And nothing, nothing at all, about rekindling a decade old ‘thing’.

SHE was possibly sending up a bat signal by telling him she once fancied him, but he didn’t respond/ side stepped it. But she may just have been laughing at her teen self.

He sounds lovely and I disagree with PinkCrayon. Feelings of insecurity and gut feelings can just as easily arise because of baseless jealousy, other insecurities etc and do not automatically mean the partner has done anything wrong at all.

What are your other worries that are causing insecurity?

A bog-standard mumsnet response from PinkCrayon who appears to have got the wrong end of the stick and run with it to the place where all men are cheating assholes and the only solution is to leave them.

If I were you I would be greatly reassured by the fact that, months after it took place, this unremarkable conversation is still available to read as the time to worry is when vast chunks of a suspected cheater's history has been deleted.

I agree with CampingItUp; your man sounds lovely and you should be celebrating your new home and looking forward to a rosy future.

I've had similar conversations with old school mates - it doesn't mean anything other than nostalgia.

If he was trying to meet her behind your back and start something up, you should worry, but this relationship-that-never-was clearly does not belong in his present. Having said that, I would tell him you snooped and how this conversation unsettled you.

I find the unwritten "no snooping" rule in relationships curious. I want my husband to keep me accountable to him for my fidelity. If he started to get suspicious about me, and snooped, and confronted me about behaviour that threatened our relationship, that would be a compliment to me, no? I certainly don't take for granted that he won't stray - we're all human.

The best way to avoid The Affair is to admit that you (and he) are as susceptible as anyone to having one, and hold one another accountable for your actions - affairs are not reserved for a special brand of unspeakable human; anybody can have one. So talk about it.

I honestly can't thank you all enough! I was in such a tiz this morning about it. I've had the craziest day at work which has taken my mind off it too.

He's not at all funny about his phone, he's open about his passwords etc, as am I, and would have deleted it if he thought there was anything wrong with it I suspect.

It's my opinion @DonKeyshot you obviously can't cope with other peoples opinions but that is what ops here for. It's not the same as yours but that's OK no need to start picking at other people's posts..

"PinkCrayon who appears to have got the wrong end of the stick and run with it to the place where all men are cheating assholes and the only solution is to leave them"

Just to point out I also never said that all men were assholes and the only solution was to leave. I never even spoke about leaving
Looks like You are the one not able to read posts properly and most definitely run away with it, take your own advice 😂

Time travelled. That's a good description. I don't think there's anything in this either and I'm glad I'm not the only one, as I still think of people like this from my past fondly and would hope to be able to traipse down memory lane with them about it now we're grown up. I'm happily married and wouldn't change it (even if we do grumble at each other sometimes).