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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male and Female friends

32 replies

KiltedDad · 15/10/2019 10:16

Hi.. so my gf and I have been together for about 5 months and we disagree on something. So she has a Male friend, who lived next door to her a few years ago and they used to spend a lot of time together watching movies and hanging out. Since she moved house a few miles away and they both got into relationships (before me) this died off but they still message and meet up for coffee. When she told me about him, I was fine and it didn't bother me until she told me he tried it on with her a few years back. She told him she wasn't interested and she says that nothing else has happened since.

But also through him she has other male friends. They all meet up at his house for nights in. She's the only female in about 6 guys.

I'm just not comfortable with this. I trust her but I don't trust the guy who tried to kiss her mostly and am just not comfortable with it all. I tried to tell her this but she replied that she would never be alone with the guy who tried to kiss her (which then makes me wonder why) and then said we just need to agree to disagree

I asked her how she would feel if I went to a house full of just women and me to drink the night away and she said she doesn't care... I'm not sure that can be the case surely.

I just don't see why she needs to spend a night with a group of men. It just doesn't sit right with me and I'm not sure I can just take the 'like it or lump it' approach she has.

I get the guys have girl friends and girls have guy friends.. I have female friends I meet up with for coffee I just wouldn't go round their house on my own or even be the only guy when her friends are around

I'm not looking for a lecture I'm looking for advice on what to do... this isn't something I'm willing to budge on. It just doesn't sit right with me so how do I approach it. Thanks

OP posts:

StarlightIntheNight · 15/10/2019 10:35

Some girls like and crave male attention unfortunately. I used to have loads of male friends and never did anything with them. However, once I got a serious bf they all seemed to disappear :) I would not trust the guy either. But if your gf wants to hang out with him, then not much you can do....as the more nagging her about it will drive her away. However, if my dh asked me not to hang out w a male friend (if I still had any!), I would respect his wishes and stop.

SimonJT · 15/10/2019 10:49

Jealous people generally aren’t ready to be in a relationship.

If you’re controlling enough to stop your partner having friends then she needs to escape, and quick.

Original poster

KiltedDad · 15/10/2019 10:53

SimonJT

Bit extreme to say controlling isn't it... a d I'm not jealous because if you read my post it clearly says they meet up for coffee which I don't have an issue with

OP posts:

ainsisoisje · 15/10/2019 11:12

I'd find that hard to be relaxed about also since he's tried it on. She entitled to see/socialise with whoever she wants so saying you aren't going to budge on it doesn't really make sense unless you are willing to walk away, which might be the best option if you are incompatible on this issue.

SimonJT · 15/10/2019 11:14

Deciding what your partner does with other people and where she sees them, how is that not controlling?

Original poster

KiltedDad · 15/10/2019 11:23

Where did I say I would decide, as you put it?? As StarlightInTheNight says, if her partner asked her to not see someone for that reason, she would... as would I if the boot was on the other foot. It's called compromise for a relationship, it's not controlling. I'm not demanding anything. My question is, if something is making me uncomfortable should I approach the subject or ignore it. Who has to change, her or me?

If it was me and I knew it made her feel uncomfortable I wouldn't go. Simple. She's the important one

OP posts:

dodgeballchamp · 15/10/2019 11:30

Why? Are you worried your penis might fall out your trousers of its own accord and take control of your mind? There is nothing inappropriate about two friends being in a house together. If I had a bf who asked me to stop hanging out with my male friends I’d ditch the bf and keep the friends. This is a you problem and it’s rooted in misogyny

Original poster

KiltedDad · 15/10/2019 11:46

Misogyny 😂😂 what a fool....

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/10/2019 11:49

Yes you are a bit of a berk KiltedDad

EileenAlanna · 15/10/2019 12:03

Does she have any female friends & does she spend much time with them? How often is she round at this guy's house? If all she really has in the way of friends/social life is this one bloke who fancies her & his 5-6 mates then I'd say back away.

There'll be plenty of "cool girl" posters I'm sure who'll tell you this is fine & dandy, but how balanced a group of friends she has is something to look at. She may well be one of these women who crave being around men who they know fancy them regardless of the "all my best friends just happen to be men" "I just get on so much better with men" bollocks they trot out.

You've no need to defend your feelings, they are what they are & what many would feel, and having them doesn't make you controlling. She just may not be a match for you for a relationship so ending it is something you should consider.

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/10/2019 12:11

You are looking a real fool here OP. That is exactly what it's rooted in. If you didn't have preconceptions about there being issues with a woman being alone in a room with men and what that means, or a woman wanting to hang out with men that aren't you, you wouldn't have anything to be bothered about

Not jealous -but don't want her alone with other men unless the situation is something you perceive to be a thing that is 'appropriate'- based on what? She could shag him in the toilet no, if she were so desperate for a willy?

Not controlling -but feel, even though she has told you she doesn't want to do alter her social plans and disagrees with you, that she 'should' change who she sees and how, to cater to your own issues.

Have come here for advice, but 'won't budge' if you hear anything that infers you might be the issue here.

Yep, it's not going to go well until you self reflect OP, hopefully she'll do the same and bin you off if you keep going on at her. If you trust her, I'm not sure it matters who she's with or whether they once tried to kiss her or not - are you actively interested in all the girls you have kissed or tried to kiss before? Should their partners be keeping you away at all costs? Women are not there to be claimed for goodness sake- if she wants to stay with you she will, of she wants to cheat on you she will. The problem is yours. The best thing you can do is to accept that she doesn't have to change to please you, when she has done nothing wrong.

RolytheRhino · 15/10/2019 12:14

Well, you could always make a load of female friends to hang out with (or say you did and spend some nights at the pub). If she doesn't mind you've not got a leg to stand on and ought to leave it alone, but if she does you can both agree to call time on it.

thebakerwithboobs · 15/10/2019 19:15

My best friend is a straight man-we hang out alone and have the same hobby which we go off and do together at weekends occasionally. I couldn't fancy him if my life depended on it!

Hopoindown31 · 15/10/2019 19:36

You can't control what she does only decided whether you are happy with it. You aren't happy with it, she isn't prepared to change so time to call it a day.

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2019 19:48

Think you are getting a bit too harshly flamed here op cause I can see where you are coming from. Not sure I would want my partner hanging out in a group of girls knowing one of them tried it on with him before.

I don't really see someone who tries it on with me as a friend. They are someone who fancies me. And I probably wouldn't want to see them again.

Having said that, she says herself she doesn't meet him alone right? And they were friends for a looong time. So maybe it is fine. I guess you can only trust her judgement.

If it were me I would ask that she invite some of these people round for dinner sometime though. If it is all perfectly innocent then she should be fine with you meeting them surely? It's not like you have to become buddies with them too or anything but just to meet them n help put your mind to rest.

SunshineAngel · 15/10/2019 20:13

I don't know what answer you're looking for, but you're clearly not happy with any you've been given.

The truth is, you either trust your girlfriend or you don't. I am also in an all-male-apart-from-me friendship group, and I have such a laugh with them - yeah, one of them has tried to make a pass at me too, but my partner has to trust ME not to reciprocate in those very rare situations.

If you are not happy with how she chooses to spend her time, I promise you right now that this will not work. If you ask her to change, she will resent you. If she carries on the way she is, you will just be more and more concerned and uncomfortable.

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 20:18

@KiltedDad you’re acting like a child, grow up! She can be friends with who she likes.

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 20:20

You either trust your girlfriend or you dont and that's all there is to it. Trying to dictate rules about who someone should be friends with and how they should be friends with them is a fools errand.
You are entitled to dislike this situation but she is also entitled to act like this.... so you have to decide whether or not to be in this relationship. It's really not the start of a healthy relationship to be enforcing rules about how to spend time with friends or who to be friends with. Honestly if you have a big problem with it just leave her. Anything else you do is going to end up creating a toxic dynamic between you two.
I'd say this of the genders were reversed too...
You have a right to be with someone who is on the same page as you about friendships with the opposite sex... but you dont have a right to try and coerce someone into fitting the bill.

iklboo · 15/10/2019 20:28

Almost all my friends are male. I'm going out next week with them for a drink. DH has nothing to worry about.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 16/10/2019 06:22

Many of my friends are male. I spend time with them in a group or one to one. It's not because I crave male attention (as a pp said 🤣) it's because we get on and have things in common.

A couple of them have tried it on previously but I'm a big girl and I'm able to say, "no" believe it or not.

If I had a boyfriend of 5 months who felt it was inappropriate to the extent he were wondering how to approach it, I'd have a problem with that.

And I'd choose the friends I've known for years and who respect me over a chest thumping idiot who didnt.

Original poster

KiltedDad · 16/10/2019 09:21

Ok firstly I'm not a chest thumping idiot... I'm simply asking for advice on something I've not experienced before but thanks for your 'valuable' input

Allthough it's interesting that you mention ths friends who respect you being the same friends who tried it on... not sure I would 'respect' my female friends that way but guess I'm not respectful enough to them 🤷‍♂️ have a nice day

OP posts:

KOKOtiltomorrow · 16/10/2019 09:29

OP there is no right or wrong answer to this. Opinions will be split. Bottom line is if it is deal breaker for you, end the relationship. This is who she is - she does not feel it is inappropriate whereas you do. Asking her to change could lead to resentment. You would be more compatible with someone who shared your outlook on this. That way you wouldn’t have to ask her to change - it would just happen.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 16/10/2019 09:39

Allthough it's interesting that you mention ths friends who respect you being the same friends who tried it on..

Well there's nothing disrespectful about finding yourself attracted to a friend. What is disrespectful is harassing them when they've made it clear they're not interested.

It is possible for those transient feelings to pass and for you to then continue to be friends.

If anyone has been persistent, I've no longer continued to be friends with them.

If we've been part of a friendship group and I can't avoid them, then I would just make sure I'm not alone with them. Much like your gf does.

HTH.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 16/10/2019 09:40

KOKO is right. You can't ask her to give up her friends so you either find a way of dealing with your feelings on it and don't make it into her problem or you end the relationship.

leomama81 · 16/10/2019 17:51

Agree there is nothing disrespectful about expressing interest in a friend once, as long as you take no for an answer. One of my good male friends kissed me at a party shortly after we first met many years ago - it didn't go anywhere, my choice, our relationship developed as friends, it now couldn't be more platonic/brother and sister like. And if someone who I hadn't been together with that long started making very clear they had a problem with it, or any other of my male friends, I would seriously consider whether I wanted to continue the relationship with that person.

One thing that stands out for me in your post OP is that she said to you that she wasn't having one on one alone time with this guy and you found that an issue too - that was somehow suspicious to you. She was trying to reassure you that the relationship wasn't as you think and you have turned that into a sign that something is actually dodgy there - basically she can't win. You also clearly don't
trust her - otherwise it wouldn't really matter whether or not they fancy her.

You ultimately have to decide whether you can accept the situation, you can't choose her friends.

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