AIBU - after 18 months would it be okay for me to tell ex to see the dc elsewhere?

[namechange122222]

Ex moved out 18 months ago, and has since then used where I live to see the dc.

During the week he will come to the house most afternoons while I am still at work and cook for them. They are teens.

The thing is though that he doesn’t communicate with me at all. Any logistical texts about the dc from me go unanswered, as well as my numerous messages about the stuff he has left in the house.

He is currently building a house where the dc will in theory be able to go, but it isn’t finished. He recently told my eldest that if he had the motivation he could finish it in two weeks 🙄.

I divorced him for emotional abuse basically (characterised by weeks and weeks of being given the silent treatment, and walking on eggshells), and the divorce itself was horrible. He also appeared to move on instantly - long intimate phone conversations with someone in the middle of the night in the months that we were forced to be together, new clothes and underwear, long showers before going out. Utterly horrible.

So he would appear to hold me in utter contempt, but still somehow feel entitled. He feels hard done by and that I was the one who chose a divorce which he didn’t want the financial ramifications of.

So my question is, at what point can I say that this arrangement has to stop? And I have the feeling that even if he finishes his house, he will still come to mine as the dc won’t budge.

Or am I being unreasonable?

(I am also getting a new kitchen put in and part of me doesn’t want him creating the mess he creates in it!)

It’s something about the person who holds you in contempt being in your space every day and I have kind of had enough now.

On the plus side he sees the dc a lot more than he would and vice versa, and he makes nice food for them.

I should add that initially I was the one who suggested he see the dc while I was at work, because initially he was coming every Saturday while I went out for 5 or 6 hours, but that got too tiring.

You need to put a stop to this nonsense immediately. It's madness to allow this to continue to happen. He has no reason to be in your home. If he wants to see the DC, he can see them elsewhere, not your private space.

You've been way too accommodating already. He can take the teens out. If they don't want to go, that is tough on him.
You'll never be able to properly move on while he is invading your home.

I think part of the difficultly lies in the fact that this was the family home for so many years and he feels I “wrested” it from him 🙄.

You'll never be able to properly move on while he is invading your home.

Yes I know.

Am also worried the dc will think I am unreasonable if I put a stop to it.

Well how he feels is not your problem. I can't believe you accommodated him kicking you out of your home for 5/6 hours on a Saturday! You have been accommodating to the point of being a doormat. Put a stop to this now.

Yes that was at the beginning but I did put a stop to that. There are lots of feelings of guilt involved I suppose.

I'm in favour of 'cuckoo' arrangements where they're possible, especially for younger children. However, this set up sounds like a head-fucking shower of shite. Please, please, tell him to feck off. You'd need a healthy, respectful relationship for this to work, but he refuses to give you even a modicum of respect by ignoring you when you try to communicate with him. He leaves dishes . He can't be arsed putting in the effort it takes to provide a home for his children, you do it all and he just floats in and benefits from your work.

I'd tell him that he needs to have the kids out of the house from now on... so that you can shag new fellas in your own bed with the kids out of the way. Cheeky bastard.

In respect of the guilt, ask yourself whether you'd advise your daughter to perform this charade - because you're modelling the relationship boundaries she'll be sent into the world with.

at what point can I say that this arrangement has to stop?

About 18 months ago.

Failing that, asap.

The guilt will subside, probably about the time the relief settles in. Imagine writing no more texts to him ever! All communication about contact can be managed by the teens.

He can take them out! No reason at all to see them in your home. I'm still in the family home and ex doesn't come in. It's my home now. That is your home. He's just doing this to mark his territory and piss you off. He knows what he's doing.

Stop right now. You don't have to have your ex in your house - he's taking the piss.

In the early days of my split I had my ex over for dinner as I thought it was nice for DD. I s fooling myself into believing be could be equally civilised. I soon discovered that he couldn't and now he doesn't set foot in my house, not even to wait in the hall.

It's your house, your space. Tell him to do one! And if he has a key, take it off him!

Maybe you can use the kitchen being fitted as an excuse for him stopping coming around, and then continue the arrangement afterwards?

How old are your teens?

13, 15, 17.

I get that divorce is a huge rupture. It’s not easy.

You'd need a healthy, respectful relationship for this to work, but he refuses to give you even a modicum of respect by ignoring you when you try to communicate with him. He leaves dishes shock. He can't be arsed putting in the effort it takes to provide a home for his children, you do it all and he just floats in and benefits from your work.

Yes more or less this. With the dishes, sometimes he fills the dishwasher, sometimes he doesn’t. He would say that he is cooking for them and that I have deprived him of his home. Even though he is far from resourceless and in this time could have set something up.

How can I do this without him telling the dc that I am being unreasonable? I was thinking to tell him by email that over the next few weeks this has to wind down, and hopefully that will him propel him to finish his house. He won’t respond or take it on board initially I think, but it will hopefully give him the first inkling that this can’t go on forever.

In my case, divorce had a positive impact all round. Obviously it's not ideal and I never saw my future that way, but given how bad the marriage was, it was way better for me. It was way better for the kids too, firstly because they get to escape him now for periods of time, and secondly because he couldn't be bothered to spend time with them when they were always around.

When you say it's a huge rupture, who are you thinking of mainly, and can you see any benefits? Fwiw, I don't think you're making it easier on your kids by inviting him in and letting them see him disrespect you repeatedly.

It’s not just the divorce but the way it happened in our case I think. I agree that we are all better off like this even though the best thing would have been a functional relationship with ex when I was married to him.

I guess the sense of being at fault never subsides.

FWIW we are never in the house at the same time, but the dc know that ex doesn’t respond to any message of mine.

Tell your children that dad doesn't live here any more. It's like he's a peeing dog, coming round, marking his territory.

There definitely are benefits, but I guess they are based on how crap it was before.

I think being teens, your DC are old enough to understand your reasons for stopping this arrangement though? Do they understand why you divorced? Do you need to share more to help them understand why this isn't your "fault"? With this situation, can you be honest without going into too much detail, eg "your dad being here isn't really working out and it's making it very difficult for us both to move on after the divorce. He will be sorting out new arrangements for him to see you as of November 15th. He'll let you know what they are when he has done this."

I would avoid trying to solve the problem for him and just keep things very simple. Its not your fault if he can't get his act together. This isn't your problem to solve and you've been more than accommodating so far. Are you afraid to tell him no? Why do you feel so guilty if he was emotionally abusive? He's not going to do anything while you're making it so easy for him. Give him polite notice and just keep repeating "Its not working for me anymore and I think it would be better for us both."

Envisage December just you and the kids. New decorations, new traditions. New kitchen. New way of life. You can make it happen with just a little courage.

My ex tried this. And also insisted on using my car. Stopping it was a relief. I simply told him he wasn't allowed in my home, and I can not insure him to drive my car. He still tries to break my boundaries, by claiming he needs to use the loo etc. I just say no, without explanation.

Are you afraid to tell him no? Why do you feel so guilty if he was emotionally abusive?

I am scared of being painted as the bad person, and sometimes I can’t rationally think of why I should stop the arrangement as I never see him, so what does it matter to me ?

He rarely if ever answers any message I send so his first approach will be to ignore me.

With the guilt, I suppose that while he was awful in many instances, it’s not like I was perfect. But I don’t think only perfect people deserve someone who is kind to them!

That was meant to be a question mark, not an exclamation one.