AIBU - after 18 months would it be okay for me to tell ex to see the dc elsewhere?

[namechange122222]

Ex moved out 18 months ago, and has since then used where I live to see the dc.

During the week he will come to the house most afternoons while I am still at work and cook for them. They are teens.

The thing is though that he doesn’t communicate with me at all. Any logistical texts about the dc from me go unanswered, as well as my numerous messages about the stuff he has left in the house.

He is currently building a house where the dc will in theory be able to go, but it isn’t finished. He recently told my eldest that if he had the motivation he could finish it in two weeks 🙄.

I divorced him for emotional abuse basically (characterised by weeks and weeks of being given the silent treatment, and walking on eggshells), and the divorce itself was horrible. He also appeared to move on instantly - long intimate phone conversations with someone in the middle of the night in the months that we were forced to be together, new clothes and underwear, long showers before going out. Utterly horrible.

So he would appear to hold me in utter contempt, but still somehow feel entitled. He feels hard done by and that I was the one who chose a divorce which he didn’t want the financial ramifications of.

So my question is, at what point can I say that this arrangement has to stop? And I have the feeling that even if he finishes his house, he will still come to mine as the dc won’t budge.

Or am I being unreasonable?

(I am also getting a new kitchen put in and part of me doesn’t want him creating the mess he creates in it!)

It’s something about the person who holds you in contempt being in your space every day and I have kind of had enough now.

On the plus side he sees the dc a lot more than he would and vice versa, and he makes nice food for them.

It sounds to me like he's still emotionally abusing you. Tell the children it will be stopping, then tell him and then change the locks.

It's interesting, the possibility of him telling the DC you're being unreasonable, because there are two messages they can receive: what he actually says, and the fact that he badmouths you.

They may not see things clearly to begin with, they may side with him, but if you never badmouth him yourself, don't burden them with details they don't need to hear, but answer questions as honestly as you can when they ask, they will see the difference between you and him and they will come to their own conclusions. My 16yo thought Daddy could do no wrong two years ago. She does a lot of eye rolling these days!

Is he still on the mortgage/deeds?

No he isn’t. But I did initially set this arrangement up with him. It’s knowing how to put an end to it. The perverse thing is that I get home quite late from work and am sometimes quite grateful for the food he has cooked.

What do you think that this is telling your DC about relationships/boundaries?

He ignores you, yet comes to YOUR home because he can’t be arsed to sort out contact.

He has NO rights to your home, regardless that it was the family home before.

Tell your DC that as they are old enough (and one being an adult) they should organise to see dad between them. Tell them that he is not to visit them in the house, as you are trying to establish boundaries. Maybe suggest that when his place has finished being built, then it would be completely inappropriate for you you to enter HIS home and treat like your own.

Yes, there may be some kick back from DC/the ex. However, your feelings etc are justified and you’ll need to keep repeating the above to them.

Oh wow. This is a mad set-up. So firstly, you’re grateful for the food he cooks...get a slow cooker! That’s that problem solved! You’re worried about the kids reaction. Talk to them first! Sit them down and say simply that because you and dad aren’t living together anymore that from now on he can’t come into the house as it’s now important that this is dad free space. Lay it on the line! Get in first and explain that you have to have the house to yourselves as it’s not owned by him anymore. You’ve been way too facilitating and I’m guessing this has been part of the problem for many years. Hence the silent treatments. Who cares what he thinks! Silly man. You’re divorced. What he thinks or says is not your concern. The fact he won’t respond to communication about the kids shows you exactly what kind of character he is. Take a day off work. Be there in the house when he turns up. Hand out “key please” then “the kitchen is being done so we won’t have cooking facilities for several weeks. You are welcome to take the children out for dinner. Let me know the arrangement but from now on you can’t come into my house. The front door is also being replaced with new locks so you won’t be able to enter the house. This is my property. If you want to see the children you need to organise access and see them elsewhere”
Time to stand up for yourself. This man is absolutely taking the piss. If he won’t stop then go see a solicitor about how to make him stop.

I work as a mediator and people often suggest "coming to the house" arrangements when trying to sort out access to the kids. I always tell people that it might be ok to start with, but there will come a time (probably sooner than you think) when you just don't want your ex in your space. It is always more difficult when men still view the house as "the family home" and there is often an element of control too, being able to nose around,seeing what has been bought/moved.

18 months is more than reasonable. Explain to the kids that dad needs to have them round his place (what better motivation could there possibly be to finish your home.......) as he doesn't live with you any more. Tell your ex the same and stick to it. If he starts trying to guilt you by saying he can't see the kids point out that it is his choice to delay sorting out something, not your problem. Good luck.

The lesson your boys are learning here is that a woman will ALWAYS do the shit work, provide the home and the resources, and the man never has to take responsibility himself. Do them a favour (and the world) and teach them a better lesson.

I had to live with my exh for 4 months before I moved out and that was fucked up enough with no kids involved.Hes taking advantage of you big time.

Yes I have got my email ready telling ex that the arrangement needs to stop. There’s a natural break coming up now as I will be at home for a few days and then there will be no kitchen for a while.

I have no doubt that ex will at first do what he wants, but I will then have to press the point again, and use a solicitor if necessary.

By the same token, there has been a long battle of wills over the stuff he has left in the house, with my sending many ignored messages and “deadlines”. I have managed to whittle it down but there are now two items of furniture and lots of bags and a couple of boxes left.

At the end of September I sent an email saying what’s left has to be gone by this Friday. On Monday I sent another message and moved the bulk of it near the door.

So far it looks like he is just going to leave it, even though I know there are things he wants. I have said that if it is not picked up I will get rid of it after this Friday - is this okay?

This whole thing makes me be a person I don’t want to be. I don’t want to get rid of his stuff but enough is enough?

Good for you about the email! What do you mean by 'will do what he wants'? Change the locks and forbid him from coming into your home. You don't need to engage with him about it or explain. Is there someone who can support you in doing this?

Yes it's ok to get rid of his stuff. I think it would show you're serious. He obviously doesn't believe you'll follow through, hence ignoring you before. Take it to the charity shop! Again he's has loads of warnings and has ignored you. Feel your anger and use it to power you through.

If he won't pick his stuff up then take it to the dump.

I changed the locks this summer, but the kids let him in. Which has been ok, but I am also going to tell them that this current arrangement has to stop.

I would never tell them not to let him in, and it is okay if it because he is picking them up (if I am at home he waits in the car outside), but if I find out he has been doing more than that, I will have to send more emails / a solicitor’s letter.

Which is all horrible isn’t it and how did it come to this, but on the other hand he does treat me with contempt, so it’s mainly about achieving some peace of mind for me.

Like I said, he is a dog marking his territory. He's playing games with you, seeing how far he can push you. You set deadlines, he ignores them. He is still in control.

Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme? It might help shift your mindset.

You cannot change his behaviour but you can change the way you respond to if.

These knots you're tying yourself in and the guilt you keep feeling are all things you'd expect in someone still being actively abused. Which frankly you seem to be.

Abuse is about power and control, which is what you're describing.

Have you done the Freedom Programme at any point? If not, you may find it helpful. Could make it easier for you to trust your own judgement and see things rationally rather in the twisted way he tries to paint them in order to control you (e.g. All the bullshit about you depriving him of his home - he abused you, that was his choice, and the consequence is that the relationship was ended and he no longer lives there).

Also, stop using his twisted language. Reframe things correctly and then only speak and think about it that way. It will help stop you from falling down his rabbit holes. Don't let him get inside your head anymore!

WWw.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Agree with PP, you need to reset your thinking - it sounds like your mindset is like you're still married to him and under his control.

Why can't you tell the children not to let him in? One is nearly an adult, you can explain why you need to set boundaries. They are not tiny children, it's not going to traumatise them. Watching their mum being walked all over and being unhappy will.

See, if your ex was normal he wouldn't be insisting on coming in. He would wait politely on the doorstep or in the hall like any other visitor to your home. But as he is using this in a way that makes you uncomfortable and overstepping what is polite, so you need to stop him. Can you say "I am no longer comfortable with you coming in when you collect the kids. It is making it hard for both of us to maintain boundaries. Please wait outside and I'll tell the kids you'll be doing this from now onwards." If this won't work, I think you need to change access so that it doesn't involve him being there while you are out. Is that possible? Kids are old enough to be home alone so perhaps that is simpler and avoids the confrontation that you have difficulty with. They're also old enough to cook. Good practise for when the 17 year old goes to uni? Wouldn't they enjoy making dinner for mum when she comes home from work?

If the fact it was his home/ the family home is making it hard for you, can you move? If you had moved, would you still be comfortable letting him in to do this? If you can't move, perhaps reframing the home will help you. Completely redecorate, make it your space.

This whole thing makes me be a person I don’t want to be.

I disagree. His inaction about his stuff, which has no right still being in your house, is putting you in an awkward position, which you'd rather not be in. Reframing the thought like that removes the guilt, as other pps have said.

Is moving an option? Hard to take over someone's home when you've never lived there.

No moving is not an option at the moment, but I agree that it would be great. When I have been away away in the past year I have felt so much better. Like a normal and peaceful person, almost.

Ex is telling ds he can’t move the stuff 🙄. Just manipulative really. I have messaged him to take the stuff he can sort through. Let’s see if he does. So many messages of mine were ignored - it’s a game.

Good, you recognise he is playing a game. So play back. If he isn’t answering texts use it to go or advantage “your items will be placed in boxes on porch @ X time. The locks have been changed.” Let him have a strop. You can’t control him or what he will say to the children. You can only control your emotional reactions & responses to it. It sounds like you are caught up in being “nice” when what you want is to be “happy”.