Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does exH and his gf do this?

30 replies

JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:01

ExH and I have been divorced for some time and split up 6.5 years ago. He's been with his gf for 7 years. We have 2 dc together.

Gf is constantly criticising my choices such as where I shop, my skincare products, where we live, the school dds go to (ex does this too) and various other things. It really upsets the kids. FWIW the school is very good and it's non of her business if I shop at Sainsbury's instead of Lidl like she does.

ExH on the other hand along with joining in with the piss taking, tells the kids how pretty I am, that I've got gorgeous hair and most recently that marrying me was the best thing he ever did Hmm He is a violent abusive man and I wish I'd never met him (except for the kids of course) and he has continued to be abusive since he left me. I'd rather he didn't even think about me and these comments turn my stomach because of what he's done over the years.

Is this some good cop-bad cop tag team designed to keep the kids confused and to relay it all back to me to keep up the coercive control?

Kids are 12 and 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:02

I am NC with him and have never met the gf.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 14/10/2019 14:06

...how much does it bother you can you ignore it? Tell the kids to ignore it

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:08

It only bother me insofar as it upsets the kids.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 14/10/2019 14:09

It sounds like he is complementary about you to upset her, which is why she feels the need to gripe about you
Not a big mystery really, you said he was a shit!

Wetnappies · 14/10/2019 14:10

What SpinneyHill said.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 14/10/2019 14:12

So he's saying that you were the best thing that ever happened to him in a sarky way? To the kids you have together?
What a twat. It must be really difficult for you to have to clean up the mess he leaves in your kids' heads. Flowers

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:12

Good point but I don't think he does it in front of her. He denies that she criticised me as she does it when he's not around so it's her word against the kids'.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:13

KnickerBockerAndrew no, in a genuine way. I regret the marriage but he doesn't.

OP posts:
Windygate · 14/10/2019 14:17

How does the GF know what skincare you use? I'd be having a chat with the DC and making sure they know that they don't have to tell DF & SM what goes on in your house and vice versa.

SpinneyHill · 14/10/2019 14:18

You split 6.5 yrs ago but shes been with him 7? So she was the OW? Is it that he got caught cheating and is now stuck with her?

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:20

Yes, I will be speaking to dc but don't want to feel they can't just chat openly.
Yes, she was the ow but I didn't know about the affair until after he'd walked out and I'd issued divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 14/10/2019 14:23

Its midn games and hers to avoid when you have to interact because of the kids.
I know thisnisbeasier said than done , try not to take it personally. She is nothing to you and has lumbered herself with a questionable man no doubt. See it as her own insecurities projected on to you. These are her problems but with your name where hers should be
Tell the kids it's nothing you care about, it just she isnt a very happy person and we should all feel sorry for her really. Maybe one day shell be happier but it's no ones fault.

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 14:38

There is no interaction at all. Everything is via third party due to the DV. I don't even look at him if he's a school event and school warns me he's there or is going to turn up.
I'll speak to dc when I see them after school today.
It's very sad but a situation of his making.

OP posts:
thebogwitchisback · 14/10/2019 14:45

Mind games for sure. He's trying to play you both of on one another. There's a good chance he's telling her these things about you to make her feel shit about herself and that she's comparing herself to you.
I wouldn't take it personally from her side of things she doesn't know you so she's only going off what he's telling her.

The best thing you can do is try to filter it out as much as you can, make sure the kids know they don't need to tell you what their dad and his gf say about you.
He sounds like a horror I feel a bit sorry for the woman who's now stuck with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2019 15:01

She sounds like a bitch and intimidated by you. He sounds like he's still an arsehole.

Unfortunately, neither of them are taking into account that their behaviour is upsetting the DC; which is appalling from them both.

Agree the best thing you can do (well, the only thing really) is to talk to the kids and encourage them to either not pay any attention to it, or try and work out some tactics to help them let off some stress. Don't let them see that you're upset, you need to show them here that it's water off a duck's back and you don't care. Lead by example.

Perhaps they are upset because they are worried it is upsetting you?

Windygate · 14/10/2019 15:17

It's not about DC not being able to speak freely, for me it's more about being 'interrogated' by the GF. I remember it as a child only too well.

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 16:04

The dc knows I just roll my eyes and I tell them it doesn't bother me what they think, they are entitled to their opinion. I particularly love that his gf tells dc that if I didnt buy a particular item (costing £30 and bought three years ago) then I'd be able to afford to do more activities with them Hmm

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 14/10/2019 16:16

Do you feel it would be appropriate to tell 12yr old that they can say to her something along the lines of "if you haven't got anything nice to say about my mum don't comment at all" or just "don't talk about my mum".

She might enjoy bitching a little less if the DC make it clear they see the comments as petty nonsense from a petty woman

slipperywhensparticus · 14/10/2019 16:19

My sons remark when himself badmouths me.....really? Mkay.....and that's it

Drabarni · 14/10/2019 16:22

Do the kids want to go, if they are being upset?
They can refuse to go if they don't want to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2019 16:22

The dc knows I just roll my eyes and I tell them it doesn't bother me what they think

Good for you. She's just making herself look like a twat. Hope the DC are OK.

Foxzy · 14/10/2019 16:23

If you're NC how do you know all of this?

I wasn't the OW but have been with my husband for many years and his ex wife makes shit up like this to feel important and still wanted.

Original poster
JustWhyReasons · 14/10/2019 16:47

SpinneyHill 12 yo dc is getting pretty vocal with her dad but is scared of the gf so might not be brave enough to say anything but I have told her before to say she doesn't like her slagging next off.

They do want to go but sometimes don't. They have refused in the past and the court ordered them to go. They are fast approaching the age where they will have more choice and will be more vocal in their opinions.

I was slagged off for buying dc a sweatshirt that was a little too big yet there they are wearing things far too small, stained it with holes. Or all three. It's tiresome for me but upsetting for the kids who feel what they love is being got at too.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2019 16:51

Why is she scared of the gf?

MzHz · 14/10/2019 16:52

Kids are old enough for age appropriate truth about their dad, and a bit of insight into the gf and her issues.

Teach them that these awful people are irrelevant and harmful to normal people if allowed too much into your head.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread