Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband & baby

27 replies

Jess131994 · 14/10/2019 12:31

Hello everyone. I am just looking for advice / opinions. Myself and husband are both 25. We have 2 young children already. We have just moved into a house that is big enough for kids to have their own rooms and enough to accommodate their things and have just gone back to work.
I really want another baby (came from a big family) but my husband is happy with what we have already (not that I am not, I just loved everything about having my 2 LO's). To start with it was a bit of a joke but now we really do disagree, I want to start trying now but he doesn't at all.
I know the general opinion will be give it a couple of years and see how we both feel but I really want my children to all grow up together and the age gap won't allow it.
Has anyone been in this situation with their OH and how did you handle it? The one thing I have always been sure about is having a big family and starting to resent my husband for not wanting to which is awful as he is a good husband and Dad :(

OP posts:

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 12:37

What do both of you work as? What's your life like?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2019 12:39

What are his reasons for not wanting any more kids?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 13:18

How old are the kids?

If you've just gone back to work how will the cost of another baby, you coming back out of work and potentially 3 lots of child care impact you?

Original poster

Jess131994 · 14/10/2019 13:52

Thanks for replies! I work in a school as he is an accountant. Kids are 4 (girl) and 3 (boy). We are generally very happy - this is the only thing driving a wedge in our relationship.
He just doesn't - he grew up with very little money so says he really wants to focus on giving our current 2 children everything we can which I fully understand but that doesn't mean I stop wanting another :( we are good parents and I think we could manage well with another despite some compromises. We can afford for me not to work as he earns well. It would be no 'big' holidays etc but I am happy to make that sacrifice as we enjoy each other as a family wherever we go but he doesn't want it. Writing it down makes me sound awful but I just can't get over the desire for another child :(

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 13:54

You’re going to have to get over it, or break up your family to find someone who wants another.

Counselling can help. The best thing for it is time.

nomoreclue · 14/10/2019 14:03

I disagree with the above poster. You’ve been absolutely clear on what you want from when you got together I assume? He knows you’ve always wanted lots of kids. It is who you are. It’s not a whim. You are young, have two already and could easily have another couple of kids before you get to your 30s. You get to say what you want. He’s the problem isn’t he. He’s changed his mind and now saying no. I’m guessing (correct me if I’m wrong) that if when you first met he’d said I never want a big family, you would have never dated him? Why should you have to give up your life’s dream because he’s changed his tune? If this was a whim or something you’d never said you wanted then I’d be giving different advice. However, you are crystal clear and have been forever about what you want. He should not have married you if he couldn’t fulfil your need. In your situation and at your age, I’d be looking to move on and find somebody who could fulfil that need or look at ways of having kids on my own. This is the modern world not the 1950’s. You don’t have to be stuck with a life that you don’t want just because a bloke says so.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2019 14:05

Your husband doesn't want another, and you need to respect that. Would you really break-up your family just because you don't have a third child? Be grateful for what you have and enjoy your family.

18995168a · 14/10/2019 14:05

Thing is, when you’ve had a third what if you’re desperately craving a fourth? Where does it end?

Is your house rented or owned? Is there a fourth empty bedroom for a new baby to have their own room?

Ultimately, having a child (whether first or tenth) has to be a ‘two yeses’ decision, the person who doesn’t consent to another child always has to take presedence as the alternative is bringing a child into the world one parent didn’t want. Which is an awful thing to knowingly choose.

I think most people would be with your DH in thinking two is plenty, count your blessings etc. but what matters is how the two of you feel. Put bluntly you have choices here:

Accept you’re sticking with two and work, really genuinely in good faith work, to come to terms with and accept that

Decide you can handle waiting a few years and revisiting the decision, with the knowledge that his answer may still be the same

End the marriage so you can pursue having more kids with someone else or alone

Those are your options. Note none of them are ‘cajole or try convince DH into a third/have an ‘accidental pregnancy’, hold it over him and damage your marriage in the process.

What do you plan to do?

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 14:05

nomoreclue I think you missed the bit of my post where I said the op could leave if she wanted more children. It’s not fair to pressurise someone who doesn’t want more to give in. She needs to decide what’s more important to her. Another child or staying together.

Fookadook · 14/10/2019 14:06

Thing is, he’s as entitled to not want another baby as you are in having one. You can’t make him change his mind or force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.

Why don’t you speak practically about how you see it working financially. Maybe he doesn’t want to be the only one providing financially in the household? Maybe he feels pressured to provide for a third and you potentially giving up work and he doesn’t want that? Not being able to comfortably afford it is a big reason not to have another.

Fookadook · 14/10/2019 14:09

He knows you’ve always wanted lots of kids. It is who you are. It’s not a whim.

Thinking you want lots of kids and then actually having them are two different things. Lots of people think they want 6, then have 2 and stick with that. Happens all the time, it’s not unreasonable for people to change their mind.

Quartz2208 · 14/10/2019 14:19

I realised that I was expecting the other 3 members of my family to make compromises for something that I wanted and that a 3rd would change the dynamic

KUGA · 14/10/2019 14:22

There are people out there who would give everthing to be in your situation, who sadly cant have children. I would realise how lucky you are and stick with the two dcs you have and respect your DH `s wishes.

Original poster

Jess131994 · 14/10/2019 14:25

Thanks for the replies everyone, really good to get opinions. It's so tough, we are a great family and have a lot to look forward to, I just don't think I could break up our family and negatively impact our current two because of what I want, no matter how much I want it. He has always known I want a big family like my own but I can also see his point of view as I have always known he wants to give everything we can to our kids and can see he why he thinks this would be a stretch.
I think my only option here is sit it out and hope in a couple of years after ours have grown up a little he wants to do it again knowing full well that might now happen :( counseling is an interesting option and not one I had considered before.
We don't have a spare bedroom, we have a 3 bed house (quite spacious, could potentially split one room) and this is what he says, he doesn't want kids growing up sharing or cramped, he wants to be able to give them all we can because he missed out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jess131994 · 14/10/2019 14:27

Thats another thing, I am fully aware of how lucky we are and completely understand that there are people that can't have kids at all which is why I feel even more awful about this. It is just how I feel and I really can't help it :(

OP posts:

Josette77 · 14/10/2019 14:37

You can't help how you feel but you can work through it and focus on other things. I don't mean that in a trite way. I am infertile. It has been hard at times especially in my 20's when diagnosed. But I chose to focus on other things. Gratitude for what I have, and an acceptance that not everything I want I get, helped me move through it. I lost a miracle baby a few years ago. It was very painful, but I have a child through adoption so it helped to remember I have the most amazing child already, and again not everything I want I"m going to get. It was hard, but humbling in a good way I suppose. I wanted a huge family when younger, life gave me something different and I never forget how lucky I am.

MerryDeath · 14/10/2019 14:38

I'm with your husband on this one. i'd rather be able to give my kids plenty of quality time (as well as other finite resources that shouldn't matter but do like money!) han spread myself thinly like my parents did (I'm in the middle of 4 and always craved my parents attention 1:1). but biology is a powerful! but id focus on counting my blessings, and getting my independence back!

quincejamplease · 14/10/2019 14:38

You want him to take on all the pressure of being the sole earner so you can give up your job and stay home.

In addition you want him to give up holidays and other things so you can stay home and afford another child.

You don't mind giving those things up because in exchange you get to quit your job and spend all your time with the children, whereas he gets what? Additional pressure and no choice but to keep working full time. What if he wants to change his working balance? What if the holidays are the thing that make his job manageable for him?

He wants to focus on giving your existing children the best chances he can. You seem to want to recreate your own childhood.

You are pressuring him to do something he had been clear he does not want.

And you resent him?

How would you feel if it was the other way around and he was being resentful of you for not going through a pregnancy you didn't want?

You're being incredibly unfair. Would you consider counselling or therapy for yourself so you can learn to live in the present and take joy from the wonderful life you have rather than fixating on and becoming resentful over a fantasy you can't have?

quincejamplease · 14/10/2019 14:45

Please try to stop moping over your fantasy and missing out on the amazing reality you do actually have.

Your feelings are your feelings but you can and should change how you respond to them.

It would be terrible if you spent the next few years moping about not getting another baby instead of being present with your existing family. What a waste.

Original poster

Jess131994 · 14/10/2019 14:47

Josette so sorry to hear that and so pleased things worked out well for your in the end!
MerryDeath & QuinceJamPlease - Although it isn't what I want to hear, I think you're right and I just need to hear and accept it. I just want to create a busy, loving big family but I think I have to see what we already have is amazing and look at things like that. It is a lot of pressure to put on him and understandably so, he doesn't want it all on him as he has done for the past 3/4 years. I guess because I have always felt like this and known what I want, it is a lot to accept that it isn't going to happen if I don't make a drastic change.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 14/10/2019 14:49

You need to accept his change of heart or there will be no family. Yes, you could leave and have a baby with someone else, but to do that sensibly you'd still have the age gap that you don't want and then your existing kids would also be leaving that family to see their dad anyway. You'd be splitting the family purely because he won't give you what you want, but you still wouldn't get it any other way. Makes no sense.

BlueMoon1103 · 14/10/2019 15:17

I agree with everything @18995168a has said except
Ultimately, having a child (whether first or tenth) has to be a ‘two yeses’ decision, the person who doesn’t consent to another child always has to take presedence as the alternative is bringing a child into the world one parent didn’t want. Which is an awful thing to knowingly choose.

My DS was not a ‘two yeses’ baby and my pregnancy was a happy surprise - for me. My now exDP didn’t want him but I continued with the pregnancy anyway even though I knew that.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 15:54

I think you need to give it a few years, get both kids in full time free school, your career back on track and then revisit.
Yes you can "afford" to not work but only as long as he does. That's only fair so long as its what you both want, it's a bug burden to impose esp as he wants to provide the kdis with a certain "quality" of life.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 15:58

I agree with everything @18995168a has said except "Ultimately, having a child (whether first or tenth) has to be a ‘two yeses’ decision"
I think there's a difference between keeping a pregnancy when one disagrees (woman wins that vote) and choosing to get pregnant tho. Surely the ideal was that your child two parents both loved him

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 16:03

I think there's a difference between keeping a pregnancy when one disagrees (woman wins that vote) and choosing to get pregnant tho.

Totally agree with this. As soon as the woman is pregnant, it’s her decision alone.

Flip

1 2