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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else think its too much hassle?

83 replies

Gretais · 14/10/2019 10:22

Relationships!!!!
Never had a happy one!
I did some online dating omg what a load of oddbods. I really couldn't be bothered replying to the dumb messages.
I dont want all the hassle that comes with a relationship

OP posts:
jupiteroo · 18/10/2019 23:30

Gretais me too! I’m crap at compromising.

userxx · 18/10/2019 23:51

How have you never had a happy relationship?

Original poster
Gretais · 19/10/2019 08:45

user i always fall into the same trap of being the giver and people dont seem to complain!

OP posts:
PrettyPretty · 19/10/2019 10:20

I’ve been on my own for two years now, I’m aiming for what my mum had, someone who lives locally who I can go to the cinema with, the odd weekend away etc. I would never live with anyone again apart from my cat

userxx · 19/10/2019 10:30

So you've never had a balanced equal relationship then, I can understand why you can't be arsed! I was single for the best part of 10 years, had dalliances but not one of them was a keeper.

Met my current boyfriend, made sure he had his shit together, could run his own house, wash clean, Iron, food shopping
,gardening you get my drift only then did I get involved. This one is a keeper.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 19/10/2019 10:32

I've reached this point, too. I've had enough crap from OLD. The lies, the love bombing, the narcissists... Had enough.

I've made a few friends along the way whom I could call upon should the need arise, but as for sharing my life, fuck that for a laugh! 😁

Crusytoenail · 19/10/2019 10:48

Spent about 8 years desperate not to be single, massive and usually inappropriate crushes, few flings that never lived up to expectations. Limerance, daydreams.
Then I had what ended up as a disaster, probably because I was like I described above. Must have thought all his Christmases came at once when he met me! He could obviously smell the desperation despite me thinking I never showed it. I got out and then into a fwb with someone who turned into a knob pretty fast. That was the one that changed me because I was just 'No, thanks' walked away without a back glance.
I just don't feel like that anymore. I used to always fancy someone, but I honestly haven't for over a 2 years. I can see men are attractive but nothing stirring. Apart from that I couldn't be arsed with having to change things in my life to accommodate someone else. Things like watching TV in my pyjamas changing to going out for a drink or to the cinema. Nah thanks.

giantwatermelon · 19/10/2019 11:17

In the same boat! Absolutely adore not cooking, cleaning and generally being a doormat for a partner. Single 2 years and I couldn't be happier. It's so nice to wake up and feel good about yourself and do things that make you happy.

My life is so much fuller now that it ever was and I'm not giving that up for no man:

userxx · 19/10/2019 12:11

@giantwatermelon But why would you become a doormat? To be honest a lot of these posts are telling me it's more about the women then the men, you choose what you tolerate, you chose a decent partner who puts in 50%.

MangoSalsa · 19/10/2019 12:12

I’m coming round to this way of thinking.

Original poster
Gretais · 19/10/2019 12:15

its not about being a doormat sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where all of a sudden you realise you're facilitating someone elses life completely

OP posts:
Gretafamily · 19/10/2019 12:20

@userxx yes completely agree...my life is so much easier because me and DH share chores and bills

userxx · 19/10/2019 12:21

Because you are choosing the wrong men, you said yourself you're the giver and they are clearly taking without putting anything back in. Setting the standard from day one will weed the shit out. You need to raise the bar.

Original poster
Gretais · 19/10/2019 12:30

i dont have the energy user lol

OP posts:
userxx · 19/10/2019 12:37

Fair enough, it can make you feel jaded. There's nothing wrong with being single through choice, I had amazing times, tons of holidays out all the time having fun with mates, bloody brilliant.

giantwatermelon · 19/10/2019 13:57

@userxx we don't all choose to become DV victims

RueCambon · 19/10/2019 13:59

Yes. Supposed to be going out later with a man im dating and tbh i want to end it because it is raining. I dont want to go out in the rain. It seemed fun in the summer.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/10/2019 14:26

RueCambon I can't be arsed in late Autumn/Winter. I prefer to hibernate alone with a blanket on the sofa come the dark evenings and damp, cold, soggy weather.

Also gives me a break from constantly shaving my legs Wink

Doyoumind · 19/10/2019 14:29

I've had good and bad relationships but after an abusive one I am more than happy to be on my own. Perhaps one day I'll have someone I date but no way would I live with them.

Original poster
Gretais · 19/10/2019 15:06

My ex said he was working today. ive lost driven past his house and his car was outside. This is the shit i now put up with Hmm

OP posts:
Mollyalone · 19/10/2019 15:27

I love this thread it really highlights the comfort and peace of living alone.
I’ve had an 18 year marriage end suddenly and I was devastated it took a good 2 years to be able to put my toe back in the pond again. By that time I was very content and happy in my single life.
I then met someone on tinder who wanted to be by my side 24/7 it was really suffocating and he was a terrible groper too. I ended that relationship after 18 months as he wanted a full on husband/wife relationship and I just couldn’t cope with it.

I’ve been single for about 8 weeks now and I’m loving my time alone, just me ds (18) and my dog n cat . That’s enough for me I’m content again I really don’t think I will ever bother with a relationship again now.
I’m 53 and life’s good 😊

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/10/2019 16:04

Comfort and peace is right Mollyalone!

You had a groper? Ugh. You'd think he'd know better at his age (assuming you weren't dating a teen!)

userxx · 19/10/2019 16:15

@giantwatermelon I'm not talking about DV I'm talking about sub standard relationships with useless men. Don't ever be a doormat for anyone.

giantwatermelon · 19/10/2019 16:35

@userxx well that's what I was particularly referring too as I was relating my own experience and no I never set out to be a doormat due to DV, I did become a doormat.

Stop victim blaming.

Crusytoenail · 19/10/2019 18:32

@Userxx

I'm interested in your theory about 'raising the bar' as lonely as I was and as much as I longed for someone in my life, I did still have standards. My ex got to know me first (later found out he's a many irons in the fire kinda guy and then he'd either be forced to choose one by being found out or choose the best punt - that's what I was) so he learned what I would/wouldn't accept. For instance he actually had 5 children, 3 of which he never bothered with, but having got to know me, he omitted that information, I actually only found out about one child after we split up. He'd worked out that I'd drop him like a hot brick in those early stages if I'd known, so he made sure he didn't. I helped him write a CV for a new job, and he lied through his teeth about that too. Was clever enough to not make it so perfect it was unbelievable, but with small gaps 'between jobs' and outright lies. It made him look like he'd pretty much always been employed and in semi skilled jobs for more than nmw (same as me) when it was all bollocks. He used it to apply for jobs too. Had anything he actually was been evident then I wouldn't have entertained him from the start. When it came out we'd moved in together and were becoming financially entwined - took a bit to get out of that once everything started to unravel. Looking back there were red flags, the ones I acted on to get information on him to find out the truth, but unlike in MN where it seems to take about 15 minutes from the first red flag to the end of the relationship, this took a few months, to as is said here 'get my ducks in a row' and get out.
I was deceived, and taken in and manipulated into the position he wanted me in. I had a good job, nice home - he wanted the benefits of that so he latched onto me. He worked out and then made himself into a person he knew I'd find attractive, I had a high bar, he used lies and deceit to reach it. I have zero interest in trying to second guess someone now who may or may not be doing the same, it's not been a conscious decision, it's just not there any more, the want to be with another person like that.