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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I stay or do I go?

28 replies

Cantmoveonanymore · 13/10/2019 19:44

My husband had an affair which I found out about in January although it had ended sometime before. He has tried everything to make the relationship work however I just do not feel the same in my heart.
I dont know what to do anymore. On one hand he is helpful, kind and hardworking, a good dad to our children. He is generous with money, does all the housework etc. However on the other hand I know I am spending my life with someone who treated me so badly. We have been together a long time and I could never act towards him the way he did to me. But he seems genuinely very remorseful and has done a lot to show he is sorry.
If we split my kids lives will change drastically. We are not well off but can afford a holiday each year, activities and trips. If we split then running two households will mean only the basics are covered and that seems so unfair on the children.
I suppose what I’m asking is when did you know it was time to end it all? There are no arguments, or bad atmosphere, I feel like ending it would benefit only me.

OP posts:

Ohnoherewego62 · 13/10/2019 19:49

The fact you're on here asking says a lot.

How did you find out? Do you feel like you've lost his trust and feelings for him? How old are the children?

Be kind to yourself. If you aren't happy and feel a certain way, it can be impossible to get those feelings back. Life after infidelity wont be the same.

Primrosedot · 13/10/2019 20:43

I found out my DH cheated on me for 3 months in April. I decided to stay with him, and like your DH line is trying everything to make it work and make up for what he did. He is putting our relationship above everything, home more. Helping far more around the house, spending more time as a family but it’s like sometimes I feel it’s too late and I’m never going to get past what he did. I still can’t comprehend treating another human being that way. I almost feel like it’s bitter sweet if that’s the right phrase. He’s being the prefect husband now, but it’s tainted by a sadness over how bad he’s treated me. No advice but I feel exactly the same, in my heart I know I don’t feel the same anymore.

Glosstwit · 15/10/2019 08:43

You know what's more unfair on your kids? Unhappy parents. If you're asking this question you already know the answer

pennyhasdropped · 15/10/2019 08:58

Echo all the above, I'm plodding along in a marriage which to me is a complete sham. If I did split with H it would be tough going so I'm sitting it out until I'm fanatically more stable and the kids are older. I won't ever get past what he's done to me despite him being such a nice H now .. 🙄 too late and my day will come soon enough. I feel your pain, it's real sh*tty was to live and wouldn't wish it on anyone. x

ExcitedForFuture · 15/10/2019 09:47

Your happiness is important too. The kids will grow up and fly the nest. I wouldn't advise staying in a marriage you are unhappy in for their sake.

Glosstwit · 16/10/2019 16:22

@pennyhasdropped the worst thing you could do is wait till your kids are older. Just get your finances in order and go if your mind is made up.

beachandcocktails · 16/10/2019 16:31

It sounds like he's making a genuine effort, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything. I think generally, relationships after an affair are never the same as before - but some people do manage to find a new 'normal' and end up with a strong relationship again. Sadly that's not the case for everyone - for some, the hurt and betrayal is just too much and you just can't get past it. That may be the case for you, and you're certainly not a bad person for being this way. If anything, you deserve MASSIVE respect for trying to make it work. You do have to put yourself first though, staying just for the kids will never work and they won't thank you for it.

One thing I will say is could you try counselling as a last resort? It may help you find a way forward to get past the hurt and find a way of making it work. Failing that, it would help you find a way to separate as amicably as possible. I'm so sorry you're going through this x

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 16:37

Have you fully explored the underlying causes that triggered the affair ?

Have this triggers being tackled and new and changes implemented?

I've seen couple get through worse and come out stronger than ever.

But it takes time , work and forgiveness on both sides.

Stillfunny · 16/10/2019 16:44

Same here.Even the January part.
Been to counselling. And he is so remorseful and desperate for things to work out.
But like you , I just cant seem to get past the fact that he has done this to us. I don't think I will ever forgive him and certainly cant forget.
I cant see me ever changing on this .So again, like you, trying to get financially stable and then ask him to leave .
It is shit , isn't it ? What on earth did these guys THINK was going to happen when we found out?!

EKGEMS · 16/10/2019 17:42

"Have you addressed the triggers?" Wow.just.wow. You sure as hell better mean the affair was forced by the trigger of a gun than conducted freely and willingly Robin233 His triggers perhaps and not the partner who was cheated on

morrisseysquif · 16/10/2019 18:30

I'm in a similar position, no affair but taken for granted, live like mother and child (we have 2 DC) no sex for msny, many years and now he has admitted huge debts which are now attached to our mortgage. , I know I'm done with him but I don't know how we would afford to live separately as we live in London.

I do know I've got one life and this is no life. My heart sinks when I hear his key in the door.

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 18:34

@EKGEMS
I mean affairs first do not happen (usually ) out the blue.

It takes 2 to tango.

Unless he's a serial cheat and has had countless women.

Many men / women cheat for many reasons.

Unless you get ti the bottom
Of that history will repeat itself.

And no it's no the answer ti have an affair instead of working in the problem, but this is real life.

No one is perfect and life can be very hard.

Op can choose what she does but to get through it / stay / or leave most wife want to know why ........

EKGEMS · 16/10/2019 18:58

It sure reads like blaming the wife vs the husband owning up his cowardly way of treating his problems by cheating!

Lweji · 16/10/2019 19:01

How did you find out?
Did he tell you? If so, why?

Lweji · 16/10/2019 19:03

Finding out the triggers (his triggers) is not a bad thing, but more whether he can identify them and change his own patterns.

YouJustDoYou · 16/10/2019 19:34

I stayed. Over 10 years down the line now. 3 children now. Actually, quite a contented life, though it's been horrifically hard. Has literally taken a decade to get to this place of acceptance and gentle happiness. I am fully aware he may cheat again. He has proven he is a cheater. He has proven he is an accomplished liar. It's complicated. But he was genuine seeming in his actions and remorse. Ok- fine. I'll take it with a pinch of salt. But my situation is different in it I have savings and financial back up should we split - not every woman has this.

It can work. But this is dependant on so many variable factors.

Robin2323 · 16/10/2019 19:41

Exactly.
For whatever reason it happened these need to change.
If not the problems are just buried.

One lady was a work alcoholic , hadn't had sex with her dh for over 6 months when her dh had an online friendship with an ow she was blindsided.

Unless she was able to recognise her part in the break down on her marriage, she could divorce, marry someone else and in a few years time be in the same position.

It's not about blame it's about taking responsibility for yourself.
If not you never learn anything or solve any of life's challenges.

Lweji · 16/10/2019 21:31

One lady was a work alcoholic , hadn't had sex with her dh for over 6 months when her dh had an online friendship with an ow she was blindsided.

Unless she was able to recognise her part in the break down on her marriage, she could divorce, marry someone else and in a few years time be in the same position.

That IS blaming the wife for a spineless husband who couldn't talk with her about it or leave but chose to have an affair.
The problem to address and solve is why he chose to have the affair.

FuriousVexation · 16/10/2019 23:17

The problem is, you can talk about triggers and reasons and excuses all day, but they all boil down to one thing:
"I wanted to have sex with someone else."

Which in all honesty is a basic human instinct. Evolutionary impulse. Spread your seed/cast your net wide.

More important than addressing "triggers" to me, is "What actions are you going to take next time you identify that you're being tempted to step outside the marriage?"

This puts the responsibility back onto the partner who has broken the pact of monogamy, and doesn't allow them to weasel out of it with shit like "You don't pay me enough attention since the kids came along, booo hoooo" or "After we have sex you always get up and go to the toilet and it makes me feel rejected" (YES I'M SERIOUS NO I DIDN'T KILL HIM)

Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 01:07

There has been much research done on why people have affairs and it very rarely comes down to sex.

It is about , often just feeling needed and appreciate by the other person.
Maybe even just having a friend.

Yes sex may come in to it.
But is not the primary reason for straying.

It is never the answer but good people do cheat.

It's not about blame and it's about taking responsibility

Maybe not having sex for 6 months is not a good reason (of many ) but you only have to read on here about how many wives feel totally rejected if this happened.

How many people can say they don't take their spouse for granted or don't appreciate them for time ti time. Now what if that went on for a long times - months etc

Not an excurse but it happens.
Thrown in a bereavement or extra work stress.

To ignore these things is foolish.

How long does anyone go being ignored before they leave / become depressed / have an affair - pick another option.

Any way understanding is helping to decide weather to stay or separate.

Life is not always black or white.

Agreed it's shit but so are a lot of stuff life throws up.

Lweji · 17/10/2019 01:20

Maybe not having sex for 6 months is not a good reason (of many ) but you only have to read on here about how many wives feel totally rejected if this happened.

It tends to be 6 years, not months.
Anyway, people go through marital problems and only some cheat. So, the question still is what's in them that led them to cheat, not what the spouse has done.
It's definitely something for the cheater to fix.

Robin2323 · 17/10/2019 01:41

Affairs, weather physical or emotional are often a symptom of problem marriages.

When a marriage breaks down both people need to be on board with fixing it.

Some marriages aren't worth fixing but some are.

A couple need to figure out which one theirs is.

pennyhasdropped · 17/10/2019 07:06

@Glosstwit trust me I'm working very hard to clear debts and find extra work.. I know full well he'll pull the finances from me when I do tell him it's time to separate. Both kids have SEN and my time is focused on them so I'm self employed and work around their needs. It's definitely a tricky situation but I'm hell bent it won't be like this forever

Lweji · 17/10/2019 07:12

When a marriage breaks down both people need to be on board with fixing it.

I think it's clear that the cheater isn't, even if it's the case that the marriage is in trouble.
If it's an exit affair, then it's not fixable.
If the poor thing feels unloved, then cheating definitely will only make it worse and it's a sign the cheater is selfish rather than committed to the marriage.
I suspect it's the case that when they feel unloved they had already checked out of the marriage to look elsewhere or for other reasons. But don't notice their partner reacts by distancing themselves too.

HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2019 07:24

Robin, you’re me-railing the OP’s thread.

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