O.K is anyone else staying together just for the kids

[emptyinside]

Lowdown:-

Have been married 6 years and have three kids. I am married to a good man, but I know he is not the right one for me. We work well as a family unit, but my relationship with him is like we just house-share. We have no intimate relationship and have not been close physically at all for over a year. I don't think we really have a lot in common apart from having three kids. Its just the little things, but its things that matter. We don't really have a rocky relationship, just a distant one. I can tell he loves me and must be going absolutely spare inside when I constantly reject his advances. I don't dislike him at all though. I used to make excuses not to have sex about having young kids and all the hormonal changes that come with it, but I just shrug him away now. i suppose really I havn't fancied him for ages now. We sleep together but there is no interraction. I just don't fancy him at all and am not about the just have sex because I am his wife. All this sounds really miserable for him, but I can say he is generally very happy and we tick over with family life o.k.

I will stay with him though because I don't want to be the one the split up the family. To our kids we are loving mummy and daddy. I know I could do a lot worse than him but I just hope I can go on living with him feeling so distant.

Is there anyone else living together just for the sake of the family.

Have to go now for teatime etc. will be back later.

This was me a year ago and I knew that at some point in the near future I would have to make a decision, I tried everything, nearly moved to Australia, relate, counselling and in the end could not lie to myself or ex any longer so back in February I ended it. You sound just like me, the situation is very similar .

I would say you really need to talk to your dh, and try and work things out before deciding what to do, if he is as caring etc as you say then you may be able to work through it.

I am sorry I am not being very constructive I can only tell you that your not the only one to feel this way.

In the end it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but I am happy now if that helps. It has not been nearly as bad as I thought it would be because we have worked very hard to keep things amicable. Talk to him honestly.

I really feel for you.

Thanks for the reply Girly.
I admire your courage to make the life-changing decision. I just do not have this courage and so will carry on with life. I just am not prepared to upset my kids in any way. They are young and although I know it is important for them to have happy parents, I am prepared to play this 'role' for their sakes. I do not have the courage to talk to him honestly. It would kill him and I can't do this.

Pretty gutless huh?

If it's any consolation, there was a time I felt just like you. For me, it did eventually pass, so I know it can. Sending good thoughts your way, whatever happens.

FWIW I have stayed with my dh for the sake of our children, and I think we will be okay. My parents stayed together for my sake and they are celebrating 42 yrs this month.

Like you we have three young dcs, although we have been together a long time. Our relationship has come last palce fo rme and dh has resented that, we've grown further apart - it sucks. But I think for everyone's sake I am better off here than leaving.

My reasons for staying are twofold. Firstly, dh and his brothers are still badly damaged by their parents' divorce. I met dh when we were in our teens and I've spent twenty years' watching them deal with the fallout. Yes, divorce can be much better but you are kidding yourself if you believe your kids will not be upset by it (and I am not getting at you, Girly, you did what you had to do.) My dcs adore their father and I can't take away their dad from their day-to-day living.

My second reason is purely selfish. Would I really and truly be happier? I can't know that for certain. But I do know it would tear me in two to have to hand my dcs over at access visits, Christmas, holidays and birthdays.

I really don't feel the need for anyone in my life (except maybe dh) but you say your dh isn't the one for you, impling you think there is someone out there who is. Can you know that? Can you really know that if you met 'Mr Right' a couple of years of sock-washing and farting in bed and you wouldn't feel about him as you do for your dh?

Good men are hard to find. There must have been something about him in th efirst place that you liked. Concentrate on that, try to see it in him still.

Good luck!

Thanks guys for your messages and thoughts. I am a big believer that the grass is not always greener and don't know if I can be bothered to try and find out. It just feels rather empty without physical closeness. It has been so long now, ive forgotten what it feels like. Of course the problem is with me and not him, he is always cracking jokes about it and feeling my arse etc., I just can't recipricate. I am not exactly bursting with sex drive and could quite happily go without, its just I feel pressure just because we are married to do it and therefore because i'm not 'doing it', am being a pretty crap wife. Still as long as I am being a bloody good mum, I am doing something right.

Thanks again

Hi empty, my and dp are the same. We've been together for 10 odd years ( very odd ). I want to leave ,he knows it, he wants me to go ,but we're hanging on in here for the sake of the kids ( 6 of them).
We have times when we get on ok and I know he is my friend and supporter, but we fight horribly and make each other very unhappy.
I can only hope that in the due course of time, when the kiddies aren't so little, stressful and time consuming, that our relationship will recover enough to make it bareable.

empty, I am sure you are a good mum . So am I, in some ways. But what do you do that is for you? Do you and dh go out together? Me and my dh live paralell lives. Our last night out together was in 2003. We have no relationship that exists separate of the dcs.

We probably go out twice, three times a year. When we do I long for it to feel like it did when it was just us, but it is far from it. We have a laugh and get pissed together but there feels something lacking for me. I don't think I ever REALLY fancied the pants off him even before we got married. I just saw him as a great man and really great father material which he is. I think there lies the problem, before you marry, make sure you fancy!

Thanks again for sharing thoughts and experiences, its comforting to know your not alone.

it may be too late for this kind of thing, but can you reignite the spark at all? i think going to the gym/ losing weight/ getting a good haircut/ not wearing shit clothes around the house (these things apply to both of you)// going out to a bar and getting tipsy with each other / making the effort to ask about each other's day /watch a dvd together/ arranging treats for each other - all of this can lead to fancying each other because i think a lot of it's about getting out of a rut - it's a lot easier to fancy a stranger in the street sometimes than the person you share the mundane stuff with. sorry if this is off the mark and hope you feel happier soon

Empty, you can laugh with your dh? Lucky you.

Of course it won't be the same as it was pre-dcs. I am certainly not the same person and neither is dh. You go through soooo much.

Fancying the pants off someone doesn't make for a good marriage. It helps, but there has to be more. It sounds like you have so much going for you.

Happy mum = happy kids, my parents stayed together until i was 7 "for the sake of their children" I hated it, hated to see my mum cry and my dad ignore her.

Much better now they are both happy.

Oh and dont forget your children learn to have relationships from the way your relationship is, would you like your children to have the relationship you have got, are you being a good role model?

I think its very important for children to see a loving relationship.

Lovemygirls, I agree with you if a relationship is involving rows and crying. This doesn't sound like that.

empty - sooo relating to what you mean about not fancying dh. I didn't either. I made a conscious decision to marry him because he was a good man.

I really reccommend counselling as well by the way. We went and it sorted out our issues and made us argue (when we occasionally argue) in a constructive way.

Haven't read the whole thread but I could have written the OP! You can have a fairly good life with someone you quite like.

We don't have rows and there i no crying. We do bicker and snap but then doesn't everyone. I am really worried that we are not good role models for our kids though but I constantly am aware of little ears around all the time and try to make sure any atmosphere is not surrounding my kids. One of our kids is disabled and we as parents have really gone through difficult times as anyone with a disabled child will know. For this reason I do feel close to him, but only in a 'one of the parents' way. I feel a lot of pressure to stay a complete unit for the sake of the children. Our child is going to have it tough without his parents splitting up. I suppose I have just 'worried my self away' from my dh and grow ever more distant physically. But if you asked me whether I could see us together in our retirement then I would say yes for the companionship but no for the true love.

I try and comfort myself with the thought that relationships change. They can be bad for a few years and then change again.

emptyinside, I think you have hit the nail on th ehead - yo uhave worried yourself away from dh. It must be very stressful for you both.

Being madly in love and retired - that is for the minority. For most people it's companionship, shared experiences and respect that matter.

In 20 yrs of being with dh I have grown away from him and then fell madly in love with him again. It's harder with kids in tow, that's all.

yes for the companionship but no for the true love.

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Would it surprise you to know that I know a lot of people who wouldn't see a difference between those things?
I've never been explosions and passion with Dh - there were times when I felt absolutely nothing for him at all.

But companionship is a lot - more than some people have who do have the explosive passion. In fact, I've personally had the whizz-bang stuff with someone else and it wasn't what it was cracked up be.

It really sounds like you need to focus on yourselves as a couple. I know the strain that focusing on disabilities can cause, and the loss of identity as a couple. I second the recommendation on counselling.

It doesn't have to be a grin-and-bear-it thing. Feelings always change anyway, but there are things you can do to help them along.

I'm going offline now, but really, don't think the worst. It can be better.

COuple-love is one of the most over-rated things in the world. COmpanionship, shared parenting and mutual respect count fo a lot when you have DCs together. Here are two questions which might help you clarify what you are thinking ( and there is of course no need to actually answer them on MN if you don't want to)

Do you want another lover (whether or not you have anyone specific in mind)

If you are not really bothered about sex, how would you feel about your DP seeking sex with someone else (not leaving you for someone else, but having sex, either as a paid transaction or a series of one-night-stands)?

o.k. I have decided I am going to be more positive about things for the sake of this marriage. I am very greatful for my dh in all his kindness and I will endeavour to jump on him again at some point (before we reach retirement!). I am going to get some regular exercise (again, am a bit of a yo-yo exerciser and dieter!) and feel good about myself once again. I think you go through a period of mourning for the girl you once were in your 20's, figure 'n' all before you became a mum and before you resembled a naked ape from the jungle with your saggy tits dragging on the floor!. This stage of my life is fantastic and it is what I was born to do, but isn't it hard to stop being a mum at night and be a partner if you see what I mean. Perhaps I am just overwhelmed with having three young kids. I hope so.

popped back on quickly - good for you! I have four 6 and under - it can consume you. I've just started being a bit more serious about taking care of myself again. It can make all the difference. I certainly have to turn off 'mum' in the evening and spend time being 'Sue'.

Will be thinking of you - don't be emptyinside anymore

Just wanted to say a huge thanks for all your advice and experience. I have read every word, will remember it and have taken it in.

madamez I don't really want another lover as I do not crave sex. Maybe I am just following the mith that there is a right person for everyone out there. Thought about your question on my dh having-it-off with someone else and immediately felt a bit strange. I have realised how much respect if have for my 'marriage' and feel quite protective over it. I would quite like to keep it intact. I know one thing though, I don't want to be a single parent and spend lonely nights in with no conversation.

Oh god, anyone know of any special pills to make your sex drive merraculisly (sp?) return.