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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be suspicous about these signs?

71 replies

Worriedsick11 · 13/10/2019 12:44

On the Friday, we were about to go out and noticed my dh was outside on the phone. I didn't think much of it because we were all in getting ready. Anyway, when I went out, (he was off the phone at this stage) seemed a but flustered? Then told me hed had a work phone call from a trainee/newbie. I asked who it was?
His response - I've told u about her before - Scottish woman with red hair

Ok I'm 99% he never has...he was caught sexting a female colleague at work a few years ago so I would pay attention to things like this

Anyway as the day went on, I purposely asked him about her, apparently hes helped her with a certain work task for a while. He says she seems very keen to do the job, the other day he had a England Hoody on and apparently she turned round to him and said "I dont like you anymore" jokingly because of the England top...

I do find that a bit odd. Am I just being paranoid? He said shes in her early 20s and he seemed to know a fair bit about her hobbies.

He had spent 10 minutes on the phone to her and I think hes planning to work on it tomorrow with her. I just feel rubbish:( he seems excited about going into work tomorrow and I'm so upset.
Example, hea shaved hair and beard. He usually does this to look "younger" as hes told me that before so this just screams out something to me? I have had a bad injury these past few months so I haven't really noticed anything as iv been trying to get better but now I think there could have been other things/details I've missed. I'm just so scared.

Please advise and what I should do next. I cant exactly stop something happening if it's going to happen :(

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 12:47

Oh bless you OP.
Once that trust is broken it is so so hard to get it back.
I think you need to put it to one side for now.
I don't think he's done anything.
Just keep an eye on it.
Let him know that it's making you feel really uneasy and he needs to back off from her.
Enjoy your holiday. Get fully recovered and then worry about other things.
Just work on getting YOU better.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 14:57

Thanks I have been trying since the phone call as I just take comfort in the fact that he was pulled into work and may now have a reputation
. He does love his job so if he has any sense hed stay clear '- things like sexual harassment come to mind

To answer pp's question if the sexting ever came to light at his work..the answers no. Apparently he said Susie never mentioned that. I said to him.if I was her I would have mentioned that to give him a bad reputation but she never did? Is that odd?

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 15/10/2019 17:09

"he seems excited about going into work " was my first red flag. He was strangely excited about a project and told me a lot about it.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 18:02

@ScreamingLadySutch

Yes that's how we was last time he was texting now at work. He isnt really talking more than usual about work but has mentioned what hes workingn on with this particular woman.

Also, seems very quiet now. Not talking as much. Is that a bad sign?

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 15/10/2019 18:14

Was he sexting with the previous woman when you were pregnant? I'm wondering if he has a pattern of looking for attention elsewhere when you are struggling (pregnancy/accident).
Sorry that you are in this situation. I almost think for your MH that you have to completely ignore it until you are well. You can't control him and this will bring you down.

Antibles · 15/10/2019 18:16

He fancies her. And your instincts have picked up on it. Doesn't mean he has or will take it further but, on the other hand, he's got form for sexting.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 18:17

@DianaT1969

No I was about one year post partum. But you're definitely right. It seems like a ego boost thing which he admitted at that time blaming it all on him enjoying attention of ow.
I'm not sure if it's that old chestnut again with this one. Yes it's so hard, I'm really struggling today

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 15/10/2019 20:32

MN is here for you. We've all been through challenging times and they do pass. Eventually this will work itself out, and you'll either go it alone sometime in the future, or come to an agreement with him that he drops the drama and attention seeking. Nothing you can do tonight OP, so pamper yourself, relax, put a favourite film on that cheers you up or gets you out of your head.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 21:30

@DianaT1969

Thanks Diana. Those words have really helped. He hasnt spoken to me all night, this is definitely out of character. Tbf, I haven't spoken to but I had hoped he had started a convo so we can just be normal. Just seems deep in thought. This csnt be good can it? We did have a bit of am argument in the car but then talked ok after it's just since were home he started playing a game on his phone and didn't talk to me at all

OP posts:

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 21:32

@Antibles

From his actions tonight, I wouldnt be surprised if hes already texting her or planning to take it further

OP posts:

GlitterSparkle85 · 15/10/2019 22:00

Ohhhh OP just caught up with this thread hun this isn't a good environment for either of you try to talk to each other-and just so he cant use it against you. Do something good for yourself tomorrow please

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 16/10/2019 12:24

@GlitterSparkle85

Thanks. Iv been a bit ill probably with the stress so just resting today. He mentioned it this morning about how I want talking to him! I said if you felt that, its because of the vibe I got from you. He seems to just talk about her like he knows her if that makes sense but then will say "no I dont like her" it's so unconvincing!

OP posts:

GlitterSparkle85 · 16/10/2019 13:28

Is that all he talks about?this girl?is he trying to make you feel jealous?if so that's not a healthy relationship the more you tell us the more of a bad picture we get of him.
What do you want from him?sorry to say people like that rarely change unless they get a good dose of karma or simply never change. Does he enjoy that you depend on him?
You need to ask yourself a few questions and go from their seek counselling done with the right person it works wonders for your self esteem.

Antibles · 16/10/2019 13:29

Ulitmately, worried, you said it yourself in your OP, you can't control what he decides to do. If you feel you need to police him for him to behave, the relationship is doomed anyway. I wouldn't keep talking about it with him based on this level of evidence as he'll only deny it and you'll get increasingly wound up. There's nothing like being gaslit for driving up the blood pressure. Just keep a sharp eye out, note down any further odd behaviour and keep trying to focus on yourself and getting well.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 16/10/2019 16:30

Ok know this may sound stupid. Since friday hes been sleeping alot. Like falling asleep on sofa. It's almost like it's on purpose to choose not to speak to me....I dunno if this can be a sign or not ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 16/10/2019 16:32

@GlitterSparkle85

Sorry have to state it's me asking questions about her. I know this may not be the best idea but this is what I did last time with ow
I ask him.certain questions on purpose as tnats how I caught him out last time, like hed slip on certain things. For example, he mentioned she had a "pear body shape" as a reason he didn't find her attractive I said well what's wrong with that? As a famous actress he likes also has this body shape. It just lil things like that, that's giving me more clues he likes her....
When he got angry he also said "I could get her number if I wanted to if I was single and she was" !!!

Could this show he already does have it?

OP posts:

beachandcocktails · 16/10/2019 16:37

I think you're overthinking it with all these questions in your head. I completely get it though, I've been in a similar situation myself so I do sympathise - but honestly, all that matters in the end is his actions. Even if he does fancy her (and we're all human, we do fancy other people when we're in a relarionship), the big thing here is whether he acts on it. Do you genuinely believe in your gut that he'd act on it? That's the question you have to ask yourself here.

Also the fact that he's done this before means he should be bending over backwards to show you that he can trust you. Instead, he's being distant with you and calling you paranoid. That's really not on. It doesnt matter how much he's cared for you after your accident, that doesnt give him a free pass to treat you like this.

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 16/10/2019 16:44

@beachandcocktails

Thank you for your reply. I definitely agree with you. My gut says if she showed she liked him hed give her his personal number at least...whether he would do anything physical is so hard to say. The reason I say that is because when he was sexting the ow, j had the advantage of reading the whole message thread right until the end and nothing physical ever happened between them although he asked her and hinted it etc. I'll never know why... maybe he just couldn't find a suitable moment

So yes I'm terribly afraid. Also, when he came out with "I could get her number if I wanted to and I was single and she was" I dunno how to take those words....this was in response to me saying bet you got her number like you did with Susie

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 16/10/2019 16:55

This sounds so stressful to live with. His constant negging of women's looks is horrendous. Is he so hot himself?

Original poster

Worriedsick11 · 16/10/2019 17:18

@MarianaMoatedGrange

I'd be happy to send a pic but afraid of outing. I was very attracted to him. He is 5'8, balding, broad big shoulders with a bit of a belly. I still think hes gorgeous and I suppose women might do as his personality is very charming.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 17/10/2019 08:16

"I could get her number if I wanted to and I was single and she was"

But why would he say that if he didn't fancy her? And how does he know whether she's single if they've only spoken 3 times?

Ultimately, you don't trust him. You'd like to think he wouldn't cheat again but we can't know for sure.
The questions won't help.
If you want to stay together, stop questioning him constantly. He'll slip up eventually if he's cheating, and if he's not, you'll just push him away.

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