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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be suspicous about these signs?

71 replies

Worriedsick11 · 13/10/2019 12:44

On the Friday, we were about to go out and noticed my dh was outside on the phone. I didn't think much of it because we were all in getting ready. Anyway, when I went out, (he was off the phone at this stage) seemed a but flustered? Then told me hed had a work phone call from a trainee/newbie. I asked who it was?
His response - I've told u about her before - Scottish woman with red hair

Ok I'm 99% he never has...he was caught sexting a female colleague at work a few years ago so I would pay attention to things like this

Anyway as the day went on, I purposely asked him about her, apparently hes helped her with a certain work task for a while. He says she seems very keen to do the job, the other day he had a England Hoody on and apparently she turned round to him and said "I dont like you anymore" jokingly because of the England top...

I do find that a bit odd. Am I just being paranoid? He said shes in her early 20s and he seemed to know a fair bit about her hobbies.

He had spent 10 minutes on the phone to her and I think hes planning to work on it tomorrow with her. I just feel rubbish:( he seems excited about going into work tomorrow and I'm so upset.
Example, hea shaved hair and beard. He usually does this to look "younger" as hes told me that before so this just screams out something to me? I have had a bad injury these past few months so I haven't really noticed anything as iv been trying to get better but now I think there could have been other things/details I've missed. I'm just so scared.

Please advise and what I should do next. I cant exactly stop something happening if it's going to happen :(

OP posts:
DBML · 13/10/2019 19:41

Yes op. These would be red flags for me. Your husband sounds as though he wants his cake and to eat it. He likes adoration of women and to be their knight in shining armour, helping them out in work.
I hope I’m wrong.

DBML · 13/10/2019 19:41

He’s says she’s unattractive to throw you off op. He doesn’t want you to know he’s attracted to her.

GlitterSparkle85 · 14/10/2019 13:31

How are you feeling today?has the situation got any better closer to resolution?x

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2019 13:38

He also did his classic thing that he always does and downgraded her...saying her hair was really scraggly n thin....

Oh he's absolutely lovely isn't he.

God OP fucking get rid. He's a slimeball.

thesuninsagittarius · 14/10/2019 14:35

Agree with @FizzyGreenWater. You'll never be able to trust him. Your moral compass is telling you this is wrong for a reason. Take care and prioritise yourself, he's not worth your time.

SleepWarrior · 14/10/2019 14:41

Personally my guess would be that he fancies her, hence the flustered thing. I doubt 3 weeks back at work is enough time to get an affair going, plus she probably isn't interested in him AND he's getting into other bother at work that would put her off him.

But your spidey senses are telling you something is going on so I wouldn't dismiss that - just it's possibly all coming from his side

He's going to behave however he's going to behave, be that faithfully or cheating. I would focus on getting better, not thinking about what he's up to, and make some kind of decision when you're better. If you feel that the trust is gone then you can walk away, or whatever else you might want to do. Flowers

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 14/10/2019 15:22

Tbh it sounds like he has ditched ‘Susan’ and is now sniffing around/ flirting with/ having an affair with the red head! Thus why Susan has angrily reported him for aggression- likely she realises she has been used and then dumped for the younger, prettier redhead! The redhead may not even be attracted to your dp, but likely will enjoy the attention of your dp dumping her older colleague in her favour! Perhaps it’s not what has happened, but it seems too much a coincidence that when this young and attractive red-head is the object of his ‘interest’, he is suddenly having run ins with the woman he was caught sexting!

Either way, he is not faithful and you deserve better! Especially when you feel vulnerable and have just been through major surgery! I would be asking him to move out and give you a chance to heal and recover!

HeavenlyEyes · 14/10/2019 15:33

so if she had thicker hair he would be chasing her for an affair?

Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 08:44

@GlitterSparkle85

Thanks for your message. He has been a bit distant tbh, he mentioned her yesterday saying she emailed him to rearrange, and it will be today. Hes not been showing much affection and seems very distant:(
I've just had to put it to one side atm as we have a holiday booked in the half term so trying to focus on that

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 08:53

I do agree with everyones comments here. I do think he fancies her too without sounding overly paranoid..his behaviour has shown it: he seems flustered when talking about her and keeps getting defensive saying it's my work. Then, in the next sentence will say something like we dont have to offer help to trainees..it just contradicts things hes obviously putting himself out there to help her because he fancies her! Am I being unreasonable thinking this?
I cant say if she fancies him or not as he hasnt really said anything that would indicate that, only the whole banter comment- when she said I dont like you anymore, with him wearing that England top??? I just dont think it's something I personally would say to a colleague unless I knew them really well?!

OP posts:
GlitterSparkle85 · 15/10/2019 08:55

Can you view the email?what's his role normally work related matters tend to be 2ppl for health and safety eg.him alongside another person?well that's good that you've got something at least to look forward to X

Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 08:58

@FizzyGreenWater

It is pathetic. He did the same with the ow he was sexting - called her every name under the sun to me - old, ugly, disabled (because she had disability probelma), skin was pitted and wrinkly.
I used to feel better, until someone from MN told me it was negging! I had no idea about negging and I'm so glad I found out. So now, when he says something derogatory about women be it on TVA or in person. I completely disregard it and just think how pathetic it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 09:02

@GlitterSparkle85

I was almost about to ask him to show me the email today! I think that the best idea and I will.be asking when hes home today. I'm trying not to be too accusatory as I know sometimes that can make things worse

Can I just ask you do you think she likes him? when she said I dont like you anymore, with him wearing that England top??? I just dont think it's something I personally would say to a colleague unless I knew them really well?!

OP posts:
GlitterSparkle85 · 15/10/2019 09:05

Omg that's disgusting. Make a list of all his good points and his bad-which out weigh the good?is it a no brainer?someone once told me if you wouldn't be happy for your daughter to date someone like this then why would you?do what is best for you and your mental health. Your not obligated to stay with someone because they "care for you" and things like that should be unconditional not based on conditions. Put yourself first be selfish it's ok to do that!!!!

ExcitedForFuture · 15/10/2019 09:44

Yeah he likes her OP. He's not even hiding it well.

Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 09:46

@GlitterSparkle85

Hes not s good egg. I've known for a while just haven't had the strengh to leave him :( then mu accident happened which has been very hard. I thought it might test us as a couple but I have to say he was there for me completely, as in with me at the hospital (even when I told him he didn't have to come), driving me around, being caring and attentive which is why it upsets me if hes now flooding around after someone at work as it's only been 2 months since the accident.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 09:48

@ExcitedForFuture

Oh no I know, I'm not denying that. I'm asking if people think she likes him.based on that comment. The reason I ask, is I dont think I personally would make a comment like that unless I felt quite close to that certain colleague. But it might just be me

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 09:54

Sorry loads of typos in my post, texting whilst on the tram isnt a good idea!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 15/10/2019 10:03

I don't think the comment on his top is that unusual really.

If is behaviour is making you paranoid, though, you need to have a talk with him.
It's his past behaviour that's made you feel this way so he needs to prove to you there's nothing there.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2019 10:14

He called me paranoid THIS is the biggest red flag.
He should be reassuring you not calling you paranoid.
All cheaters do this though so it's a huge red flag for me.
I'm not sure anything has happened but it looks like HE wants something to happen.
Can you go on the holiday without him?
Do you still need him to help with your recovery?
I'm assuming you have DC?
How old are they?

Interestedwoman · 15/10/2019 10:20

If I were new to a workplace I might make comments like that, just as jokes to be friendly, or out of nerves. I don't think it can tell you whether she fancies him or not.

He sounds a twat, though. xx

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 15/10/2019 10:31

The banter itself isn't a huge red flag as lots of colleagues in offices engage in harmless banter. I do it myself, but I don't fancy the other person. I don't think the comment about the hoodie is anything to get worked up about either. I do wonder though why the Scottish woman found it necessary to call him about work on what I assume was a day off for your DH on the Friday? Usually you'd only contact a colleague on their time off if it was a real emergency. If she's a trainee/newbie, I doubt she's being given critical work to do just yet.

With regard to Susie and the run in, you said she seemed to relish the attention. If he stopped sexting her, and she's cottoned on to the banter he's building up with the trainee, then I do wonder if she's jealous and out to cause a bit of trouble.

If your DH is worried about his job then it would be worth pointing out that with the previous sexting episode and the run in with 'Susie' he needs to be on his best behaviour at work from now on. Did his employer find out about the sexting, or did you find out and stop it without it being reported? Don't allow him to make you feel bad about questioning him. Remind him that it's his past behaviour that has given you these insecurities.

GlitterSparkle85 · 15/10/2019 11:08

Hun I dont think that comment enough about his shirt if enough to warrant her liking him but I dont know him I dont know her and what relationship you both have other than what you've told us here but you are important and you matter put yourself first for a change!

Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 12:10

Thanks everyone for your comments. As usual, I get more solid advice from MN then I do in real life sadly.
It is hard to know, the only reason I ask is because I remmeber doing the exact same thing a year and a half ago when he started talking about Susie they had lots of banter and Susie would make jokes with him etc, give him gifts for christmas which at the time I just wasnt sure if that was appropriate or not. So now, I feel like I'm always on the look out for certain things, weirdly with susie nothing happened I'm not sure if that was from her end. He never worked late or anything like that so it's just hard to say.
Because I found out he text her saying exactly that and then apparently she never talked to him because i knew. Not sure if this was because all the novelty had faded out but then a year n a half later that run in happened....
Yes we have two DC, one very young (under 2) the other is just 11 .

I'm still having physio for my injuries and cant drive yet. I'm far off recovery according to consultant so I rely on him for driving me here n there. Hes also kindly taken a day off work every week for my appointments. That's the sad part I'm all this, he has been model husband since the accident apart from this I have no reason to suspect etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedsick11 · 15/10/2019 12:39

Forgot to mention he used the fact she rang him on a Friday as an excuse saying "doesnt that show you I hardly talk to her because she doesnt even know I'm off on fridays!"
Apparently, she had rang him that time to ask him if he could come up to help her and her told her he wasnt in the office on fridays. She had asked why and hed said "because I take my missus to physio on fridays:

Again, dont know how true that is because I unfortunately didn't hear the phone convo

OP posts:
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