To be annoyed about a messages I’ve found on DH (to be) FB messenger

[WhatNext277]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. There is a bit of backstory so I’ll be as brief as I can.

Me and DP are getting married in a few months. We have 2 DC together.

3 years ago he did the whole script scenario to me. Said he didn’t love me anymore, was leaving the family home to go back to his mums and that there was no one else. So after a few months of turmoil I found out there was someone else from work and confronted him. He broke down explaining to me that he hadn’t slept with her (he had been sleeping with me saying he was confused and doesn’t know if he could come back - I stupidly went along with it, hoping he would change his mind), and told me he was in love with her, said he didn’t want to hurt me after 8 years of being together but he didn’t mean for it to happen like this. It was someone he worked with. He had a group of close male friends at this place and they would all go clubbing and meet up with the women from the work place. Few of them were already couples.

Anyhow he eventually asked to come home, saying he missed me and the children. I agreed only if he promised to not go out with the work group and look for another job. He had been at this company 8 years, was senior and handed in his notice and found a new job. When he did this, he asked the director to tell no one, only the people necessary as he wanted no fuss (more like because he wanted no one to take the p*ss out of him because they all knew the situation at home and with OW).

Fast forward 3 years later, he hasn’t seen 2 of the guys since he left (he may have met them once, I can’t even remember). He hasn’t had Facebook for 3 years. He occasionally logs into messenger but since he had a new phone he hasn’t even bothered to install FB messenger (he uses WhatsApp). So he hasn’t been on it for months.

Today, I had to update FB messenger on my phone and log back in. On an iPhone it remembers login details, and his details were there (I had them saved from years ago when it all kicked off).

Curiosity got the better of me and I logged in to be nosey. There was a group chat with the 2 guys he used to go out with. Last time he spoke in it was July 2018 to say congrats to his friend having a baby. That was the last conversation between them all.

However, back in August there was this conversation that DH hasn’t read. Lets call DH Billy:
Friend 1: Billy, you still alive ?
Friend 2: Internet ban ?
Friend 1: If this was Adam asking (another old work friend), Billy would have responded by now
Friend 2: yeah, or Laura

Laura was the name of the OW from 3 years ago, the reason he left that place. Obviously everyone knew. That was the end of the conversation. He hasn’t seen any of this because he doesn’t use messenger. Seeing this today has bought it all to the surface again for me, how I felt when it happened, how much of an idiot I look to his work friends (who he doesn’t see, to avoid arguments). He meets up with 2 other guys (Adam) who he used to work with who wasn’t part of that group of friends, but have an idea of what went on. Adam and his other friend are invited to our wedding. Obviously no one from the other group of friends is because he doesn’t see them because of everything that went on.

So, do I keep this to myself ? I just want to sit here and cry. Please tell me what to do. He keeps asking me what is wrong.

You either need to make peace with this, you decided to move on after what happened. The text messages aren't new news.

Or you need to accept you can't live with this any longer, leave and move on in a different direction.

I think you need to have more communication about this affair. Just talking about it in general. Any worries and concerns you have. You need to be reassured. Some people can just make a mistake and deeply regret it and never do anything like this again. But more work has to be put in from him. You are paying a high price for his mistake. The messages were sent ages ago and I can understand how you must feel but it's like torturing yourself again. I think once you discuss this and explain how this has made you feel you'll be able to push past this. It's not as if you've found anything new unless you are sending that he is doing something but is better able to cover his tracks.

I agree with a lot of what @AliciaWhiskers and other PPs have said. It sounds like he was genuinely remorseful and has done everything he should have done to make it right.

He's not done anything wrong here - it's clear he's not even seen these messages. I don't think these messages are the issue for you - but what they have done is drag up all the other stuff to the front of your mind again - combine that with the forthcoming wedding, and it's giving you cold feet and you're wondering if you're doing the right thing. And that's totally understandable.

He said he thought we had drawn a line under it

It's not that simple. Even if nothing physical happened with this woman, he still betrayed you - he still had thoughts in his mind of leaving you and your children for this OW. That's a LOT to get over and it no doubt left you feeling like absolute shit and wondering what was wrong with you (can you tell I've been in a similar situation?! Right down to being with him since our teens). It's utterly shit and I don't think you ever fully 100% get the trust back.

When are you meant to be getting married? You do need to be honest with him about how it's still bothering you. He needs to know that it's not as simple as just getting over it, and he will ALWAYS need to put that effort in now to prove you can trust him. If that's too much for him then it's best that you know now. Did you ever try counselling? If not then that could really help.