To be annoyed about a messages I’ve found on DH (to be) FB messenger

[WhatNext277]

Looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. There is a bit of backstory so I’ll be as brief as I can.

Me and DP are getting married in a few months. We have 2 DC together.

3 years ago he did the whole script scenario to me. Said he didn’t love me anymore, was leaving the family home to go back to his mums and that there was no one else. So after a few months of turmoil I found out there was someone else from work and confronted him. He broke down explaining to me that he hadn’t slept with her (he had been sleeping with me saying he was confused and doesn’t know if he could come back - I stupidly went along with it, hoping he would change his mind), and told me he was in love with her, said he didn’t want to hurt me after 8 years of being together but he didn’t mean for it to happen like this. It was someone he worked with. He had a group of close male friends at this place and they would all go clubbing and meet up with the women from the work place. Few of them were already couples.

Anyhow he eventually asked to come home, saying he missed me and the children. I agreed only if he promised to not go out with the work group and look for another job. He had been at this company 8 years, was senior and handed in his notice and found a new job. When he did this, he asked the director to tell no one, only the people necessary as he wanted no fuss (more like because he wanted no one to take the p*ss out of him because they all knew the situation at home and with OW).

Fast forward 3 years later, he hasn’t seen 2 of the guys since he left (he may have met them once, I can’t even remember). He hasn’t had Facebook for 3 years. He occasionally logs into messenger but since he had a new phone he hasn’t even bothered to install FB messenger (he uses WhatsApp). So he hasn’t been on it for months.

Today, I had to update FB messenger on my phone and log back in. On an iPhone it remembers login details, and his details were there (I had them saved from years ago when it all kicked off).

Curiosity got the better of me and I logged in to be nosey. There was a group chat with the 2 guys he used to go out with. Last time he spoke in it was July 2018 to say congrats to his friend having a baby. That was the last conversation between them all.

However, back in August there was this conversation that DH hasn’t read. Lets call DH Billy:
Friend 1: Billy, you still alive ?
Friend 2: Internet ban ?
Friend 1: If this was Adam asking (another old work friend), Billy would have responded by now
Friend 2: yeah, or Laura

Laura was the name of the OW from 3 years ago, the reason he left that place. Obviously everyone knew. That was the end of the conversation. He hasn’t seen any of this because he doesn’t use messenger. Seeing this today has bought it all to the surface again for me, how I felt when it happened, how much of an idiot I look to his work friends (who he doesn’t see, to avoid arguments). He meets up with 2 other guys (Adam) who he used to work with who wasn’t part of that group of friends, but have an idea of what went on. Adam and his other friend are invited to our wedding. Obviously no one from the other group of friends is because he doesn’t see them because of everything that went on.

So, do I keep this to myself ? I just want to sit here and cry. Please tell me what to do. He keeps asking me what is wrong.

Zaphod has it right.

OP, you might be more prudent TO marry him.

Do you work?
Do you have your own separate assets?
Are there joint savings?
Do you have a pension? Does he?

If this guy fucks you over and leaves for one of these women, you may be better to be married - and pre marriage cohabitation comes in, so asset division would be on the basis of a long marriage with children.

Think very carefully.

Personally, I'd marry him, with the assumption that I'd need that marriage for a financially fair separation.

He fucked you over once. Put yourself in a strong position for the next one - and to fuck him over right back.

He hasn’t been in touch with OW since he came home and moved jobs (so 2 n half years).

I spoke to DP, told him what I saw. He said he hadn’t spoken to that group of people for years. He said he thought we had drawn a line under it yet I’m bringing it up beyond his control and doesn’t know what to do. “How many times can I try make this right - I thought we were getting married then you say this”.

I’m just so pissed off right now.

OP, I'm pretty hardcore LTB usually, but he has done all you have asked, and you are getting upset about a bunch of messages he hasn't even seen.

Be honest with yourself.

You can call off/postpone the wedding for any reason. Not trusting him is a reason. The messages you have seen are not, and I think you know that

I think you aren't being true to yourself.

I wouldn't cancel the wedding if you had truely moved past it. He did all the things required to show it was you he wanted and hopefully rebuilt your trust.

I'd have a conversation with him, and potentially some relationship counselling before the wedding.

He’s hurt that he’s done all you asked and thought you were back on track but now suddenly you are reminding him of the stupid things he did in the past, out if the blue, for some comments he knew nothing about. I can see his point.

You being so hurt still makes me wonder if you were still so hurt with what happened back then that you got to the stage that you buried the pain and tried to not deal with it because you were so devastated. That doesn’t work indefinitely. Perhaps counselling would help you get by this? What he did before was wrong. But to have a relationship with someone after such a thing you need to be able to forgive and I dont know if you have been able to do that? I’m not saying that’s right or wrong btw. Just saying I think that’s where you’re at. That’s why I’m thinking counselling could unravel what’s going on in your head and help you decide what to do?

He doesn’t get to decide how long it takes for you to get over his betrayal. You cannot just ‘draw a line under it,’ as it is a healing process.

Many relationship counselors estimate that it can take 2-5 years to regain trust after infidelity. An affair recovery requirement is that the cheater must take the injured partner’s questions, tears, and anger whenever she/he needs to vent.

Sometimes the devastation is too great and trust cannot be restored.

I also can't see what he's done wrong. You knew the circumstances and agreed to take him back under certain provisos that he stuck to. You do have to draw a line under it now and move on - or end it if you can't deal with his past.
Personally I'd just move on.

He didn't read those messages from 2018, right? Presumably because he was doing as you asked and avoiding those people from the past even when they tried to get hold of him. When Friend 2 mentioned "Laura" he was probably going off the last info he had... from 3 years ago.

I don't think your DP has done anything wrong (this time), but I think (like a lot of PPs have said) the trust is gone still. However, I don't think it necessarily has to be gone forever. I just think you need to work on learning to trust him again, or you need to decide to sack it off again and move on. It's your call because he's the one that broke things in the first place, not you.

FGS though, it sounds daft to marry someone just to leave them and I can't believe PPs have suggested this! Divorce is messy and expensive, and it takes years, and you might end up stuck with him forever if he won't sign the papers. You would have to leave him as soon as you know of the infidelity to use that as grounds for divorce, not years later. If the house is already in joint names, it's half yours anyway, and that's enforceable by a solicitor, as my unmarried friend found out last year.

So someone else mentioned Laura?

The messages themselves don't mean anything and your partner hasn't done anything else wrong (that we know of) but this is what happens when you try to forgive the unforgivable. The effects of what he did are very obviously still there for you and they always will be. The fact that you are so upset by this would absolutely make me cancel the wedding. I know you've been together forever but you have a lot of time in front of you too. Is this really how you want to live?

This is a difficult one. You can't blame him for messages he was sent, that is out of his control unless he permanently blocks his mates.
His mates sound like troublemakers who find the whole situation funny (they won't laugh as much when they are the ones caught out!)

But your reaction is worrying. It screams that you no longer trust him and that the previous scenario has had a long lasting and profound effect on your relationship. Not blaming you in the slightest, I would feel the same way. The question remains as to whether you can get past this and have a happy future or will you always be plagued by doubts and questions.

It seems that you have a good relationship aside from all this. Can you sit down and discuss with him and tell him what you found? It's a bit unfair to condemn him when he doesn't even know about the messages!

It's been 3 years.
He's moved jobs. Left his friends behind. Got off social media.

He hasn't actually done anything new. You've just seen SOMEONE Else mention OW name in a conversation your DH hasn't even seen

Look, you agreed to have him back with stipulations in place and he has stuck to them.
What more could he do?

I'm not condoning his behaviour but if it wasn't something you could get over you should have called it quits 3 years ago and moved on.

You decided to give him a 2nd chance and nothing I've read on this thread suggests he has done anything other than try his hardest to seperate himself from this event.

I wouldn’t have forgiven him for the first thing he did to be honest . But you did and he hasn’t done anything additionally wrong at all. He can’t control what his friends or ex friends say to him in messages he hasn’t even read or responded too. It’s how your feeling but you forgave him and you can either move past it or you can’t .

The messages reminded you of a traumatic time in your life, one that H to be was the centre of.

Yes he may have done all the ‘right’ things post discovery but that doesn’t mean it can be enough for you. Not being able to get past what he did is and has always been, an option but it can’t be combined with getting married.

Affairs are the gifts that just keep on giving and the person who has the affair, doesn’t get a say on when or whenever the cheated on gets past it.

Take some deep breaths and take this opportunity to speak to a professional. You reaction to being triggered is totally normal but it does mean that there’s work for you to do.

You forgave him when it all happened and nothing new has happened. The fact that he hasn’t checked those messages or logged into messenger is surely evidence that he understands that it would be wrong. Aside from the initial incident, he hasn’t done anything wrong.

I’m usually one of those people who thinks that cheating is unforgivable but from everything you’ve said he has totally changed his ways and sacrificed a lot to prove that he wants to be with you. He quit his job where he has worked for 8 years, he stopped seeing an entire friendship group and he stopped using social media.

Now the worry is that he finds out that you’ve snooped.

He's done everything you asked lost friends, changed jobs and came off social media. You chose to forgive him and as you said when you confronted him he thought you had drawn a line under it.

It's clear you've not forgiven him. He's hurt you more than you probably realised but it doesn't sound like you ever will. Do you want to marry him and have this hanging over the both of you? Do you want to feel this bad every time you hear her name?

If you still want to go through with it perhaps look into seeing someone. As I said at the start it sounds like he hurt you more than you realised.

OP, he's done everything possible to make amends. He left his well paid senior role job, he quit social media, he never to your knowledge contacted her again. It's not his fault these people messaged him - maybe the old him would've responded to ow, but those delightful men who knew about his cheating wouldn't;ve known how he had dedicated cutting all that off, so of course they would say something like that.

My then fiance had been cheating for two years. I always thought cheating was very black and white, but it turned out to be extremely many shades of grey in between. We stayed together, got married, had kids. I don;t regret staying. He changed the day I found out, and never went back to those ways. He may be cheating now - he may cheat in the future. I'm not naive enough to say it'll never happen again. But I don't regret staying together and working on things. Anyone may cheat, in whatever circmstances. But no one can ever say for sure if they will or won't. If he;s done everything in these interrim years to reassure you, what more can he do? You may always wonder in the back of your head if he'll do it again, and if you can live with that and work together to keep moving forward, especially since you've got children together, I wouldn't hold this over him, especially as he didn't actually do anything re the message.

I think he’s done everything he can to help regain your trust.

BUT he did a very shitty thing and it could take you many many years to get fully over it.

Only you can decide if you do want to marry him. Keep talking to him, tell him how you feel and tell him what you need/want from him. It may be you just want him to apologise again and acknowledge he was a total bastard, but he’s right that he can’t really do much else.

They don’t change love. My ex cheated, got caught promised never to do it again. Then cheated got caught, promised not to do it again. The third time it was over but 10 years of my life down the drain

You obviously haven’t forgiven him and the fact you’re snooping on his private messages shows the relationship has no trust. It would be madness to marry whilst that’s the case.

As someone’s who’s gone through their partner’s affair and even got to forget the OW’s name,(it is possible :) )I tell you this: there will be more moments like this in your life, how many, I cannot tell. When you think it’s all forgotten and forgiven, there will be something to make you feel like this. But it will go, trust me. He’s done a lot, changed jobs, given up Fb, as he decided what was more important in his life, you and the kids. You can tell him about the Fb messages, but you cannot punish him for something he did not know of. That’s just banter from his friends.
If you are not aware of it yet, this was devastating for your Dp as well. Yes, he did not ask for these things to happen, and he distanced himself from them. He HAS done something about it.
If it makes you feel any better, think that it can be worse, same thing could happen to you! I have been through the endless weeks of crying and devastation after finding out about my so’s affair and thought that I could never do this to someone. I wanted to meet someone to make me feel the same way, I wanted the pain to be gone at all costs. Guess what, Life gave me all that, just many, many years later. I got to see what it’s like at the giving and at the receiving end. It is horrible both ways, no doubt about it. Hope you feel better soon and enjoy your wedding.

I think it's just one of his mates being a dick and saying her name to try to be funny on the group chat. Of course it's going to bring all those memories rushing back, so no wonder you feel so bad.

But please don't think it means anything is happening with her now (or even last August). I don't think it means anything at all.

He said he thought we had drawn a line under it
Unfortunately, when you cheat it's just not that black and white.
It can take the slightest thing to throw you off again.
It's the price he pays for being a liar and a cheat.
This has had an impact on you.
Nothing wrong with that.
You feel how feel and no-one should minimise it.

But...... He hasn't actually done anything wrong now.
He hasn't even read the messages.

Really think about your future.
Do you want to spend it suspicious constantly?
Do you want to forgive him?
You won't ever forget - that's just not an option.
Do you think it would be better to end the relationship?
Only you know what to do with all of this.

Did you have counselling together once the affair was discovered?
Did you have counselling on your own to process your thoughts?
This is a long hard road to forgiveness. Always the harder one to take I think.
There will be bumps, but he needs to help you over those bumps as and when they happen and not judge you or think that what he did is just in the past and can be forgotten.
Did you read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass, together as well?
If not then do it. Read it together.
He may begin to understand how you are feeling.

You either need to make peace with this, you decided to move on after what happened. The text messages aren't new news.

Or you need to accept you can't live with this any longer, leave and move on in a different direction.

I think there are two sets of issues here. The first set are about the event of the affair itself: it's only been a couple of years, and this is a major, major betrayal. It's OK not to be over it yet. It's OK to need more time. Don't, for God's sake, marry him until you are sure though.

The second is deeper and more difficult, and is about character. I would say that your DH is showing symptoms of not having much in the way of a moral backbone. This isn't an affair that happened in really difficult circumstances, following lots of rows/adverse circumstances etc. It's an affair that was almost courted by someone who couldn't stop behaving like a teenager, and who surrounds himself with childish men and who can't resist temptation when it falls in his way (and it sounds like Laura was just the nearest and the easiest). I'd be worried on the grounds of his overall character, to be honest.