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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh’s emotional affair

38 replies

goingroundandroundincircles · 12/10/2019 17:43

Last November I found out that dh had been having an emotional affair with a work colleague (who had moved to another branch). I’m as sure as I can be that it never turned physical. We decided that we both wanted to fix our marriage and he agreed to not contact her any more. I thought I was healing, but I found out last month that he’d been in contact with her again since around March time. I felt devastated all over again and tbh I’m struggling to come to terms with it. All the lies and the deceit. He says he can see how bad it looks, but he initially made contact again earlier this year because he knew she’d had a big operation (had been planned for ages) and he knew she was really anxious about it and wanted to make sure she was ok. Obviously the lines of contact were then open again and they started chatting regularly 🙄 Apparently he’s stopped it all again now.
This whole drama has damaged me so much. I’m insecure, need lots of reassurance and affection and I’m so untrusting. Dh’s mental health has suffered hugely too and often says he can’t get over what he’s done to us. I’d like to go to therapy, which dh agrees to, but we can’t really afford it. Just don’t know where to turn or what to do 😔

OP posts:
Lovethetimeyouhave · 12/10/2019 17:44

I'm sorry, for me, the second time it would be over

Interestedwoman · 12/10/2019 17:48

Prioritize therapy (for yourself, not him! He doesn't deserve it from you, he can sort himself out.) I'm not earning, just get disability payments, but I pay for it. It's worth it.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 12/10/2019 17:49

My DH had an EA, if he had ever contacted her again it'd be over. The trust needs to be built back, and renewing contact AND keeping it going means it can't be. It also means he is not truly sorry or understanding of the devastation such a thing causes.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 12/10/2019 17:52

No, this is not how marriage works.

You have been too kind, there's been no sanction for the first time so he's off again.....kick him out, tell all the people, let him feel your wrath and the sideways looks of his family

Then you decide what you want, but seriously... the fact that he's at it again in such short order means he has no regard for you or your marriage.

Original poster
goingroundandroundincircles · 12/10/2019 17:55

I think he must be a bit thick, because although he has been (I believe) genuinely devastated when I’ve found out about all this, there is a part of him that still thinks it’s not that bad because they were just very good friends

OP posts:
CatToddlerUprising · 12/10/2019 17:58

Is he devastated that it happened or he was caught? To me it sounds like the latter if he’s doing it again- the lies, the emotional affair, continued contact etc

aweedropofsancerre · 12/10/2019 17:58

He is a liar who has restarted an EA without a care about how it would impact on your marriage. His response this time is some rubbish about an operation and oops I see how bad it looks now you have caught him again.- trust has gone I am afraid. Look after yourself now

SweetcornFritter · 12/10/2019 17:59

I had that. OH couldn’t see what he’d done wrong (spending all evening chatting to an ex-girlfriend online, bitching about his marriage while I sat beside him on the sofa oblivious) and claims I overreacted by insisting on a separation.

Windmillwhirl · 12/10/2019 18:02

He values her over you. I'm sure she had plenty of other people to care for her and text her. I'm so sorry, I'd be walking away.

Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2019 18:02

I agree I'm afraid OP, how can he say he 'can't get over what he's done to you' and then promptly go and do it again?!! Some things just do too much damage to ever be repaired and, for me at least, doing it a second time would be the final nail in the coffin.

I think this is the risk you take by 'forgiving' and trying again with a cheat (emotional or otherwise), you essentially give them a green light to do it again unless they've genuinely regretted the pain they've caused and done the work required to ensure they don't cause anymore. He patently hasn't done those things and therefore can never be trusted, he will hurt you over and over if you let him Flowers

Interestedwoman · 12/10/2019 18:03

He's not thick, it just doesn't feel that bad to him, because he can't/isn't bothering to truly empathise with how you feel. It's all about him and he's feelings.

Yes, he's devastated that you found out.

PositiveVibez · 12/10/2019 18:05

He has abused your trust. Twice.

It would be over for me.

AnyFucker · 12/10/2019 18:08

Fool me once, shame on you;fool metwice, shame onme.

Original poster
goingroundandroundincircles · 12/10/2019 18:14

I know, I know. What you’re all saying is true. It’s just so hard.

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 12/10/2019 18:20

If he's done this twice I would be very concerned about his willingness to lie and deceive me. Also how committed and in love is he with you if he's so easily led back into contacting her. He obviously has some residual feelings for her. I know this isn't nice to hear.

What makes you want to make it work?

Original poster
goingroundandroundincircles · 12/10/2019 18:30

Oh yes I agree about the residual feelings, he even admitted it himself. But as he’s said all along it’s just a very very deep friendship and ending it doesn’t just make those feelings go away. Which I kinda get, because if I had to never contact my closest friend ever again I’d feel really upset too and I’d still think about her too. And part of me feels that I made their friendship more secretive than it maybe would’ve been, because he used to talk to me about this woman and how she was going through a hard time (her marriage break up), he used to tell me lots of little things. I was wary and said be careful being ‘the shoulder to cry on’ because it could lead onto more, he said don’t be daft and we laughed it off.

I want to make it work because I love him. I really do. We have so many happy memories, two lovely kids. I am attracted to him, emotionally, sexually. I love his family. And he’s the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with .

OP posts:
elizalovelace · 12/10/2019 18:35

Its just a pity he doesn't feel the same way about you OP.

AnyFucker · 12/10/2019 18:41

He doesn't have "residual feelings" for you though, does he ?

He has prioritised another woman over you...not once, not twice but every time he knew he was hurting you and trashing his marriage but he did it anyway

Your blind love for him is clear. I expect you have begged and devalued yourself in his eyes so why would he not do it again ? If I had a crystal ball to see 2 years down the line, he will be with her and you will be wishing you hadn't compromised yourself so much for a man

annielouise · 12/10/2019 20:34

He's a weak man. That's his flaw/his failing. He'll do it again and justify it again - normalise it with reasonableness, so much so you'll doubt whether you're being reasonable. If you can live with that along with his good points then stay. If not then what's the answer? Have you got angry with him or has it all been sitting down being reasonable? Sometimes being reasonable doesn't work. He didn't get it the first time if he did it again it would be over. So he did it again. And he's realised (consciously or sub-consciously) you'll put up with it with giving him much flak if he appeals to your reasonable side.

ChristmasFluff · 12/10/2019 20:56

Well, you set your boundary - all that remains is to enforce it or not. Understand that - this is YOUR decision. Do you allow him to ride roughshod over you? Or not?

If you decide to allow him to ride roughshod over you, then remember that whether you love him or not, he has shown he is willing to prioritise her over saving your marriage.

You are the only one working at this marriage.

that means it will never work, whether with her or someone else, or just him zoning out - he does not value you above his own petty desires.

Or please, please, please enforce your boundary that he not contact her. End it. Dump him

NomDeQwerty · 12/10/2019 21:02

You don't love him though. You love the man you thought he was. The man you love doesn't actually exist. Get the Chumplady book and a divorce. I know how hard it is because I'm in the process of doing exactly that myself. In very very similar circumstances to yours OP.

Faith50 · 12/10/2019 21:03

I am sorry but It would be over for me op. Your dh must have seen the hurt and pain caused by his EA and yet he contacted the ow again. No contact means no contact whether in person, via phone, via social media. He has broken your trust and all you had rebuilt.

He has prioritised ow's feelings and well being over yours. The ow is very much in his present. Where can your marriage go from here?

Faith50 · 12/10/2019 21:05

I am so sorry you are going through this for the second time. You do not deserve to be second bestFlowers

ConfCall · 12/10/2019 21:05

If you let him get away with it again, he’s got the green light to behave as he pleases. Whether you can remain with him knowing that she will always be very important to him, to your detriment, is up to you. Sorry OP.

Handrag100 · 12/10/2019 21:09

Hope you are right about it not being physical. A guy at work has been in a similar situation where we all know its physical but the wife doesnt!