Oh’s emotional affair

[goingroundandroundincircles]

Last November I found out that dh had been having an emotional affair with a work colleague (who had moved to another branch). I’m as sure as I can be that it never turned physical. We decided that we both wanted to fix our marriage and he agreed to not contact her any more. I thought I was healing, but I found out last month that he’d been in contact with her again since around March time. I felt devastated all over again and tbh I’m struggling to come to terms with it. All the lies and the deceit. He says he can see how bad it looks, but he initially made contact again earlier this year because he knew she’d had a big operation (had been planned for ages) and he knew she was really anxious about it and wanted to make sure she was ok. Obviously the lines of contact were then open again and they started chatting regularly 🙄 Apparently he’s stopped it all again now.
This whole drama has damaged me so much. I’m insecure, need lots of reassurance and affection and I’m so untrusting. Dh’s mental health has suffered hugely too and often says he can’t get over what he’s done to us. I’d like to go to therapy, which dh agrees to, but we can’t really afford it. Just don’t know where to turn or what to do 😔

'But as he’s said all along it’s just a very very deep friendship and ending it doesn’t just make those feelings go away. Which I kinda get, because if I had to never contact my closest friend ever again I’d feel really upset too and I’d still think about her too.'

No it's not just a 'very deep friendship' though, if it's an emotional affair.

And why on earth is he telling you he has 'feelings that won't go away?' How is that going to help you feel better? It's like he's emotionally incontinent and doesn't know what he should and shouldn't say to you to help the situation.

I don't think he has it in him to be a good partner, because he doesn't know what's ok to do, and what's ok to say.

And with that comment, it seems like he's so into her he can't stop going on about her in gushing terms.

He's found an excuse to open the lines up again. He misses her and is acting upon those feelings. Be wary. I would leave, he broke your trust, destroyed you and has still chosen to open contact with her over your feelings. Disgusting.

He is not thick. He is entitled and manipulative. He felt entitled to lie, deceive, and cheat on you twice, and he will do so again. He is confident that you will not impose any consequences as long as he acts devastated.

You minimize his affair as “just a very very deep friendship.” His feelings for OW were and continue to be romantic. They have romantic emotional intimacy. He is obsessed with her. They are not just close friends. He is saying that to manipulate you.

You are downplaying his responsibility by blaming his infidelity on your White Knight warning. No, OP. He chose to betray you (and the children) every step of the way. He chose to prioritize OW both times.

Are you really going to sentence yourself to a life full of anxiety and mistrust? You will become diminished beyond recognition, and your children will have a dysfunctional model for their future relationships.

I couldn't stand the thought that he was holding this significant date (the op) in the back of his head the whole time, just waiting to pounce on it as an excuse to message her again.

Nah.
Its over.
I'd divorce him.

You love him. You have great memories. You love his family. You also have every right to stay with him and seemingly accepting what he is doing. This will not stop. This behavior will worsen into a full blown affair of it isn’t already and you will be quietly approving of it. Many women live their whole lives like that. My mother did. You need to decide if you can accept what’s coming next.

So he was worried enough about her anxiety and surgery to break your trust a second time, but not at all worried over how his behaviour was going to upset you? As much as you want to make it work - while one person can break a relationship it takes both of you to make it work. And he clearly doesn’t want to in the way you do. I’m sorry.

Dh’s mental health has suffered hugely too and often says he can’t get over what he’s done to us

That's very manipulative OP. Clearly works though.
He got over it enough the first time to do it a second.

He is far from thick. He has you right where he wants you. Doubting yourself and playing down his affair, which you can never be sure was purely emotional - this is no way to live, OP

The reason for no contact is so you can all get over it and move on. He keeps feeding it. If he hasn't been unfaithful it doesn't matter if it's a drink or drug problem, friend, hobby, family member, job, whatever. He's neglecting his marriage. Counselling yes. No more warnings. Out on his ear, at least to think about it. Wanker.

Sorry OP. I understand how hard this is. I forgave and tried to get past the first affair. He then started another within a year. When I asked how this had happened he said, 'It happened the way it always does, she was just a friend.'

It wasn't until I heard the It happened the way it always does that I realised he would never stop.

I know it hurts so badly but as others have said, you are thinking of the man you want him to be. He is not that man now. You must now think about yourself. What do you want?

there is a part of him that still thinks it’s not that bad because they were just very good friends

Maybe sketch out a similar scenario with you and one of your handsomest male friends. Ask him how he feels about that?

. Dh’s mental health has suffered hugely too and often says he can’t get over what he’s done to us

Snort!!

Yep, as pp said, that is seriously manipulative. Genius really- he gets to do what he wants AND you are there rubbing his hand in sympathy.