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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to find out the truth

41 replies

Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 12:55

This is a bit more of a WWYD.

I’m scared of actually knowing the truth! DH last weekend went to a sporting event and said he was going with friend X who he does usually go with. I didn’t think anything of it.

He did keep talking about friend X going then when he came home said that friend X had said this and that so definitely made out they were together. The other thing now thinking back is that he bought a new t shirt to wear which he wouldn’t usually do!

On Tuesday i WhatsApped a pic from his phone to mine and saw a message to this friend X talking about the game. I looked at the message and it very clearly said that friend X was not there!

I have no idea who else could’ve been there and why he has lied. I’m questioning myself but I’ve seen the message and then bought up friend X again and he was so convincing that he was def there.

So WWYD? I’m just so scared to know the truth and think I would be so so shocked he’s just not the type to cheat but I can’t understand why you would lie it’s so bizarre

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 12/10/2019 12:57

Because he really really doesn’t want you to know who was there.... keep cool don’t let on and do some digging. Keep photos of messages.

litterbird · 12/10/2019 13:01

mmmmmmm......someone else was there......again, dont let on, keep an eye out and watch him to see what he does next.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/10/2019 13:06

Agree. Don't let on you've seen the message and watch and wait.

Original poster
Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 13:10

What should I be looking out for? I'm really struggling to act normal and just want to say something.

I took a pic of the message and it clearly says the friend wasn't there.

It's like he was guilty as I would never have known had he not gone on about this friend

OP posts:
litterbird · 12/10/2019 13:12

If you have been on MN for a while you will read up that if they are cheating they follow the same script. Just watch for any change in appearance (he already has done something out of character with the t-shirt), a change in how his attitude is with you, a mention of a name several times, guarding his phone, change of times he comes home....or any other slight or small change you see. Get on with your life as normal but just notice and observe from afar. It also could be something perfectly innocent!

VenusTiger · 12/10/2019 13:31

I understand why you want to have this out with him now OP as he has clearly lied with detail and you know fact that he is lying so it’s not an accusation.
I’d be tempted to calmly sit him down and ask him why he’s lied, as waiting and collecting more evidence can have an adverse effect on you. It’s up to you.

Original poster
Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 13:33

He was so convincing I'm seriously doubting myself!

I would never have expected anything like this from him but he was giving away too many details that just makes me think guilty.

I've been thinking so much for an innocent explanation but I just can't find one

OP posts:
ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 12/10/2019 13:48

Look out for things like:
working late,
phone out of signal/unavailable/switched off,
meeting his friend for a drink after work,
frequency of gym visits or sporting hobby,
things like nipping to the shop for a few items and returning hours later
...

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 12/10/2019 13:51

and blaming you for being secretive,
claiming he told you something when he hadn't,
having condoms if you and he don't use them,
taking more care over grooming,
credit card and phone statements...

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2019 14:00

You already know he is lying so just put him on the spot. 'So, I know that person wasn't with you at the game. Were YOU even at the game? I think you better start being honest with me, fast' And watch his face. Is he desperately thinking up another lie to tell you. What does he say? Does he try to reverse it round on you eg: 'you're crazy/youve misunderstood me' ect...

Feck tiptoing around. You don't need more evidence. He's lied to you consistently about this. There's pretty much only one reason why someone would do that. And even if there wasn't, he is untrustworthy and fake.

bottlenose301 · 12/10/2019 14:07

Have you had any suspicions at all before OP?

ConfCall · 12/10/2019 14:08

I’m not sure I’d bother doing the Miss Marple at this stage. You know without doubt that he’s lied, you’ve seen the message..The new t shirt and the over-mentioning of his absent friend would not have been enough evidence on their own, but combined with the message you have plenty. So, you’ve got enough to go on. Tell him you know that he lied, and that you’d like an explanation.

SusieOwl4 · 12/10/2019 14:31

do you think he actually even went to the event at all ?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/10/2019 14:44

Yes he may not even have been where he said he was.

Original poster
Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 14:50

I would never have thought he would do anything and I still can't believe he has.

If he hadn't mentioned this friend as much I wouldn't have thought anything.

How do I come out with it? 'Who were you with last week as it wasn't X?'

OP posts:
Original poster
Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 14:52

He def went as the messages were in depth talking about the game. Maybe it was meeting before the game?

OP posts:
beachandcocktails · 12/10/2019 14:53

I also think just bring it up now. Being sneaky and gathering more evidence is no good for your mental health. Ask him outright to his face and see if he has an explanation or not.

Sweetpeach3 · 12/10/2019 14:58

Have a looo at pictures from that weekend. Dig on his friends social media, have a snoop on other texts. It'll all come out in the end x

ISmellBabies · 12/10/2019 15:00

You'll get "the script". First he'll deny it completely and you're crazy, paranoid, controlling etc, then it'll be admitting to little bits but as little as he can possibly get away with - and it'll be your fault he lied because he knew you would overreact. Then he'll be rewriting history, it hasn't been a happy relationship for a while, you haven't given him enough attention /sex. Just remember through all the bullshit you're not crazy, you're not unreasonable and it's not your fault. Don't trust a word he says. Flowers

Septemberday · 12/10/2019 15:07

You have 2 ways to play this.

Plan 1: Ask him why he's lying. He will either reply with another load of bullshit (most likely). Or drip feed a vague version the truth... that he went with "Sara and few others' from work which eventually after a very long time and lots of pressing from you be the world's longest drip feed version of the truth. Leaving you anxious and onlynooen to know the version he wants to tell you ...and he will only tell a version of the truth when pushed hard. He is unlikely to say ...yep I was shagging Sara from work last weekend. We've been shagging every Tuesday afternoon and weekends when we can since xyz date.

Plan 2: Watch wait and keep your mouth shut for now. Painfully long and emotionally testing but could get you true answers to the situation.
Try searching his pockets, car, check his message and call logsmobile phone. Wgat is his mobile phone behaviour like? Once yoy actualkt watch him you might be surprised at what you see. Never showering without taking it to bathroom or sleeping without it, on silent, lots of empty/deleted call and message logs. How does he behave when he thinks you are in the bath or busily engaged in something else??...quietly stop and look to see what he is upto. Car mileage does it tally with his normal routine, cash withdrawals, if you have joint account is he taking out more cash or taking the same from different cashpoints, any transactions for places not part of his/Your usual routine.

0lga · 12/10/2019 15:10

I agree, don’t confront him now, you have no evidence .

He will just say

“ Oh when I said I went with John you thought I meant John Smith, my best friend of 20 years from school? Silly you, I meant John Brown , my new colleague at work that I must have forgotten to mention to you. Why are you getting so angry and over reacting ? “

Stay quiet for now and investigate more. Otherwise he will just hide things better.

In the event that he’s totally innocent , you will find no evidence and have avoided a row about nothing.

Mothership4two · 12/10/2019 15:20

How well do you know X? Could you chat to him and bring up game? Not homing in on him and dh going together but more general to see what he says.

There are ppl on this thread with more experience than me OP but if it was my dh I would have to have it out. The whole thing sounds very suss.

Boltyarocket · 12/10/2019 15:50

Don't think that he's not the type to cheat. Everyone thinks that, which is why the bastards get away with it for a period of time.

Watch and wait. Eyes open, mouth shut. In my experience, no one admits anything until they are caught bang to rights.

Usually they get sloppy, forget to delete things, switch up your routine a bit. If you are normally in bed at 9, stay up to 11, see if he gets jumpy with his phone.

Does he have his notifications off?

Is his phone on silent? Does he put his phone face down all the time?

There's practically a cheaters starter pack on reddit which gives great tips on how to avoid detection.

Original poster
Mimimouse4 · 12/10/2019 16:40

I suffer from terrible anxiety so this isn't doing me any good.

I just think he will kick off that I've looked at his phone! I could just say I know and not say that I looked

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 12/10/2019 16:44

You know he has lied to you. What possibly excuse or reason could be acceptable. You’re worth more- be done.

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