DPs fear of commitment to ANYTHING is going to be the end of us.

[Elsiemonroe]

We talked about marriage, then accidentally fell pregnant 6 years ago. We talked about marriage during the pregnancy and he said we would get married when he was 2.

We are still not married. I think DP is too self-conscious to do it, ashamed of his weight but mostly, he doesn't like to commit himself to anything. He won't even entertain a private ceremony. All this would be ok if we hadn't discussed marriage in the beginning as if it was going to happen and DC would never had been given his surname.

This fear is manifesting itself in many ways- finances. He can not face the reality of budgeting and can't commit himself to paying things iff in advance, he won't book holidays in advance and leaves it to the last minute (which is fine sometimes but sometimes we do need to book/plan in advance).
During our house renovations, after taking out 30,000 of our mortgage pot, he refused to budget or even spend the money, saying we shouldn't spend so much, it was too much to spend. And yet the renovations needed doing. He wouldn't let me book in workmen or pay for anything. The renovations have taken 4 years in total as he could only deal with spending the money bit by bit. This has made budgeting extremely difficult and we've actually spent more than we would have had we have budgeted with conviction from the start as its been frittered away.

He can't commit his time at the weekends, I'll ask if he wants to di x, y or z on the Friday and he will tell me we will see in the morning. But friends are asking us (me) for responses on what's happening and I can't respond because DP is shrugging and saying he doesn't know.

I can't live like this anymore. I need some conviction, some clarity and I believe that all of this boils down to his huge fear of commitment in all elements of life. If he's pushed into a decision, he will reveal his temper, which is unattractive to witness.

He probably needs therapy but would never go. Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I feel as though life is now passing us by and there are so many opportunities out there for us to embrace, passionate love, travel, career prospects and yet, we seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut for the sake of DP.

I've been out with your dp. Exhausting. He wont change OP. Unless he's 14. Which may make sense....

Why do you wait? Why not say yes to your friends, and he comes/doesn't come.

Oh, hang on, temper..

Leave him. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Yeah I'd be out of there. I can't deal with that kind of dithering behaviour and inability to make decisions.
I'm a planner so someone like that is the worst for me!

Oh my God no. Deal breaker, yes definitely.

He sounds reluctant about the whole situation.

The temper aspect is what tips this over into untenable. It turns it from what could be simply an unfortunate personality trait, into something controlling - you have to wait on his dithering, otherwise he'll react with anger. Nope.

Absolute dealbreaker. Incredibly unattractive and not the traits you want in a partner. I hope by now you’ve given up on even wanting to marry him!

You both sound incompatible. He is incapable of making decisions by the sounds of it and you seem to be relying on him to make them all. What happens if you just arrange something yourself? I couldn't live like this, but then I am very much someone who would just crack on with making my own plans instead of dealing with someone else's dithering.

I agree with the other pp - it must be exhausting for you.

A question - what would happen if you just made some decisions on your own? If you made plans with friends for the weekend and did them, with or without your DP? Would he just go along with the plans or would he dislike not having his say?

My other question is - the dynamic between you sounds like it is heavily weighted to him being the decision maker while you facilitate. Is that because you feel that he needs to say yes for things to happen? I have found in the past that I've subconsciously taken a more submissive role in big decisions. However, once dc1 arrived and I couldn't wait for DH to go through the long process of denial, resistance and prevarication, I made firm choices without him. The shift in dynamic was interesting - he realised that if he wanted an opinion (which he did) he had to assert it alot sooner and had to face up to the reality of our life instead of hiding.

I say all this because your DH needs to make some changes but may not do that until you take practical action (I'm not saying this is ok, but is often the reality when someone is entrenched in bad life habits)

Start making your own choices about the small to medium stuff - (I appreciate that isn't as easy with big money decisions so start on day to day/month to month stuff). Assert your weekend event preferences, holiday options etc and let him work out how he fits in all of this. You may well find you enjoy being the master of your own destiny and it will then be easier to be assertive with your DP about what needs to change.

If he won't change - ask yourself whether you want to look back at your life in 20 years time and realise you haven't moved more than an inch because your DP is scared of making decisions.

I'm a bit like this in some ways and I recognise it as an unattractive quality. I think it stems from heavy bullying in childhood I learnt to hide my true wants for fear they would be used against me, I now don't know what I want myself half the time!
I recognised this and just made a choice to say yes to things and even to say no but to say it definitively not oh maybe with no intention of showing up.
I am saying change is possible but you have to want it, you have to see the harm dithering does to your relationships. I don't think your dp cares enough to try.

It would be hard to put up with this, but the fact he's in a temper when confronted about it would frighten me. I wouldn't live with someone who frightened me.

This. Is. Control.

He is controlling your life with his ‘indecision’. No-one deserves to live like this. This is not a loving, equal partnership. You are dominated by his whims and neuroses. Nothing in your OP shows that you are allowed to contribute to joint decisions. He delays, obfuscates, shuts you up, refuses and obstructs all your reasonable suggestions and desires. This is not normal. It is abusive. You are curtailed and limited by him and this is how he likes it.

Your 6 year old will receive the message that this is what relationships are like. Don’t let that carry on as they will get a totally warped and damaging idea of what should be a normal, happy home life.

Don’t try and marry him. Instead, work out how to leave him. Your DP May have many deep-seated problems, but it is not your job to solve them. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to change. Find a different future for you and your child.

Total dealbreaker for me. How utterly exhausting. I just couldn't live like this at all.

I used to be with someone just like this. It is probably what ended the relationship. The dithering and never making decision wore me out in the end. I ended up either not doing things because he just would not make up his mind, or doing things on my own and being sad that he wasn't there. It was absolutely about him controlling our relationship.

He took £30k out of your mortgage money but didn't use it to get on with the renovations? Where did he put it, in his coat pocket?
I don't see fear of commitment here, just a selfish man making sure he gets his own way on everything & anything & with a nasty temper enforcing it. You're better off ending this & getting on with a better, fear-free life for you & your DC.

This sounds bloody awful. I couldn't live like this. Some things need to be planned and organised in advance.

It sounds very controlling.

Deal breaker for me too. I'm an organiser and a planner...I could live with this.

*couldnt!

Yeah, work FT if you don’t already, and plan to leave.

God we all need to feel in charge of our destinies. This would be a deal breaker for me. Long long ago.

You can’t get much more committed than having a kid together, I bet that stung when he found out being a commitment phobe and all!

@Madamswearsalot speaks a lot of sense

OP. Sadly, He doesn't want to be with you and anything concrete just embeds him further in a situation he wants to escape from.

I would have left him years ago.

Total dealbreaker. He is very controlling. Won't let you make any decisions and throws a tantrum if you try.

I wouldn't have been able to stick it out with him for that long, personally. This is no way to live your life. Get out while you still have a chance to show your DC that this is not how adult humans behave.

If he was just indecisive and crap, meh, it's annoying but livable.

But ugly temper if asked for commitment? That's a hard no.