DPs fear of commitment to ANYTHING is going to be the end of us.

[Elsiemonroe]

We talked about marriage, then accidentally fell pregnant 6 years ago. We talked about marriage during the pregnancy and he said we would get married when he was 2.

We are still not married. I think DP is too self-conscious to do it, ashamed of his weight but mostly, he doesn't like to commit himself to anything. He won't even entertain a private ceremony. All this would be ok if we hadn't discussed marriage in the beginning as if it was going to happen and DC would never had been given his surname.

This fear is manifesting itself in many ways- finances. He can not face the reality of budgeting and can't commit himself to paying things iff in advance, he won't book holidays in advance and leaves it to the last minute (which is fine sometimes but sometimes we do need to book/plan in advance).
During our house renovations, after taking out 30,000 of our mortgage pot, he refused to budget or even spend the money, saying we shouldn't spend so much, it was too much to spend. And yet the renovations needed doing. He wouldn't let me book in workmen or pay for anything. The renovations have taken 4 years in total as he could only deal with spending the money bit by bit. This has made budgeting extremely difficult and we've actually spent more than we would have had we have budgeted with conviction from the start as its been frittered away.

He can't commit his time at the weekends, I'll ask if he wants to di x, y or z on the Friday and he will tell me we will see in the morning. But friends are asking us (me) for responses on what's happening and I can't respond because DP is shrugging and saying he doesn't know.

I can't live like this anymore. I need some conviction, some clarity and I believe that all of this boils down to his huge fear of commitment in all elements of life. If he's pushed into a decision, he will reveal his temper, which is unattractive to witness.

He probably needs therapy but would never go. Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I feel as though life is now passing us by and there are so many opportunities out there for us to embrace, passionate love, travel, career prospects and yet, we seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut for the sake of DP.

When you say 'temper', how does this manifest itself? Shouting? Sulking? Pushing? Worse?

Shouting, sulking, door slamming mainly. The silent treatment too which can go on for days...
If I continue making decisions without him, which I've tried several times in the past, he becomes a miserable, snappy black cloud for days on end. He doesn't communicate openly and directly either so the passive aggressive responses are his way of communicating his upset. Sometimes, he just loses his temper. I have a temper myself so hardly one to talk, but I'm losing it in complete frustration because I feel so stuck.

He is controlling you as pp have said. The temper tantrums are abusive, nothing less.

What's stopping you leaving this man? Please, please don't say he is a great partner otherwise, and a great dad. He's neither of these things. He's a controlling, sulking, angry, miserable man. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? What are your dc learning about relationships from you both?

Ah, I take it back what I said about being with someone just like this. My ex would never sulk, shout, throw tantrums. He was a good guy at the bottom of it all. Your guy, on the other had, sounds really unpleasant. None of those responses are in any way acceptable behaviour.

OP, you're in an abusive relationship. All that you describe in your most recent post is emotional abuse.

Wow this sounds really exhausting! He's stopping you planning your life and is acting. Like a teenager. Does he realise how serious this is for yoou?

Dont think so @buildbuildings I'm also wondering if I quite realise how serious this is for me.

The refusal to make decisions and the extremely manipulative temper tantrums would be a dealbreaker for me.

Honestly even just one of those would be awful enough.

DH can be like this it and part of it seems to come from genuinely not knowing or connecting with what he wants and the other from control. I found lundy bancroft"s book (why does he do that) really helpful for understanding that DH is doing this quite consciously because it gives him 'special privileges' in the relationship. I also started doing things without him and not covering for him or his reaction. I took DD to a bday party today and he didnt want to go so made a big show of being ill. My and my friends had a bit of a laugh about it TBH. If he's pissy I dont really care anymore but then I have emotional numbness following a traumatic birth so that might help!

To be honest, it’s the last bit about being totally unwilling to try therapy that clinched it for me. Why would anyone — of any description — be with someone so blind to their own faults and unwilling to better themselves? What a drag of a life that would be.

My STBXH was like this and I felt desperate in the end as I felt I had no control over my life and could not look forward to anything as nothing could be arranged ahead of time. I was married with two small children and one with SEN but I but asked him to leave eventually after a terrible row and I’m sad but I don’t regret it. I used to literally physically ache because I felt so restricted by this sort of behaviour. Don’t marry him OP.

Welldone for getting out @wacawaca19.
How strange. I physically ache too. Have done on and off for around 4 years. GP can not find a cause.

Elsiemonroe I think it might be excess cortisol from stress. I
Just used to feel weighed down by him. He also used to let me subsidise much of our life together although he was a fairly high earner. I organised and paid for all repairs etc myself, He always refused to be pressed on holiday plans and did not seem to understand that the later we left it the less choice we’d have and the more expensive it would be. Try taking some magnesium for now to help with stress and sleep and aches. Don’t marry him. Just think it through carefully and try to start doing what you want and need to do when you want and need to do it.

I had some sympathy for him until you mentioned the temper. Which frankly just sounds like manufactured rage designed to make you submit to him. (I assume he manages not to behave like that anywhere else?)

Have you heard of coercive control? Because reading your updates it's sounding like that. Here, weigh it up yourself: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It would be hard to put up with this, but the fact he's in a temper when confronted about it would frighten me. I wouldn't live with someone who frightened me.

I couldn't live like this. Plus you have a child who shouldn't have to either. There is no way on this earth they won't pick up on it and be affected.

I think it might be excess cortisol from stress.

Probably. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score?

Sounds awful but also like it could be anxiety? I have similar problems booking holidays - last holiday I booked the accommodation the morning we left!

Sounds awful but also like it could be anxiety? I have similar problems booking holidays - last holiday I booked the accommodation the morning we left!

Why he does it only matters if hes trying to change. Hes not, he goes so far as to throw temper tantrums if challenged or if op makes a decision he refuses to make.

The fact he acts like a cunt because hes anxious is neither here nor there. Hes decided this is an ok way to treat his own wife who hes meant to love. How fucking dare he impose his mh / arsehole personality on his wife and expect her to cope with it.

I hate hearing women excuse men by saying "oh but maybe hes anxious" I mean... who the fuck cares why he acts like this. The point is, he acts like this and doesn't give a fuck how it affects other people.

Well presumably she does want to know why he's like that or she wouldn't have posted!

I worry that you have got used to this, OP - the controlling decision-delaying and the controlling sulks and rages - and have started to think it's almost normal. It's really, really not normal AT ALL.

I think you may be the frog who is being slowly boiled.

My dp is a bit like this. Minus the temper fortunately as that would be a deal breaker for me.
He can't/won't plan anything at all-and he doesn't seem to have much by way of a long term life plan.
We also have a house to renovate and he absolutely hates talking about it.
Even more annoying is that his work involves long term planning so it's not lack of ability to be able to do it in this case.

I've dealt with it in two ways: one and most importantly I've told him it makes me unhappy and also worried for him and that he needs some help with it-he's agreed and is going to counselling. With him it's a lot about lacking in confidence that any plans he makes will be successful-he'd Rather not Commit to anything than commit to something and have it go wrong sort of deal. He was also bullied as a child and his parents have low expectations about life that they seem to have passed on to him. I think those things are the root cause of it.

And two-I make my own plans and carry them out. I plan my own weekend stuff for example and say he can come or not-up to him. And I make sure I don't mind either way.
I crack on with the house by giving him two options to choose from but never a third option of not doing or choosing any thing at all. So wood or stone kitchen worktop? (But we are having a new worktop either way kind of thing and if he doesn't express a preference I pick what I like best).

It can be frustrating and I feel sad that effectively it's always me driving our lives. And if he doesn't improve at all then it might prove to be too much for me. I'm giving it a Chance because he has said he wants to change too.

I think you need a serious chat with your one OP. Does he realise that this is making you as unhappy as you are?

Would this be a dealbreaker for you?
Yep - 100%
The more you write the worse it gets.
He is aggressive, verbally abusive, PA, he stonewalls, a fun-sucker, HE IS ABUSIVE!!!
The sooner you realise this the sooner you can get the fuck away from him.
He sounds awful.
Be thankful you aren't married.
Get your exit plan in place.
This is a horrible example of a relationship to be setting for your DC!
You must be able to see that?