Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need help

40 replies

Desolate2nite · 11/10/2019 22:34

Finished with my partner tonight and feel rubbish. Had the do it to stop a drug habit escalating but struggling with the thought of not seeing him again

OP posts:
Original poster
Desolate2nite · 12/10/2019 01:30

Anyone?

OP posts:
DBML · 12/10/2019 01:33

You’ve made the right decision. You’ve done the hard part.

Feeling bad is temporary and you’ll get through it. Be proud of yourself for taking this step. There are so many people who wouldn’t have been as strong.

Wishing you all the best.

rvby · 12/10/2019 01:33

I'm around op

What's happened between you?

Nondescriptname · 12/10/2019 01:40

You've done the right thing to keep yourself safe. Well done.

It feels rubbish because the happy future you hoped to have isn't happening. But it could be so much worse if you stayed together.
Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 12/10/2019 02:15

It will get better but there is no future in the relationship so you have done the right thing. Keep yourself busy. Make lots of plans with friends.

Well done for recognising you deserve better. A relationship should enrich your life

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 12/10/2019 05:27

We originally got together in 1991, were together for 16 years, I ended it because I was dependent on drugs, he was a dealer. We got back together about 2 and a half years ago, first 2 years were great. Then the drugs crept back in, initially I refused then started taking cocaine. I care about him but have come to realise it's all about control isn't it? After the hell I went through stopping last time, I won't let myself get in that same again. Sadly the only way to do that if by staying away from him

OP posts:
Original poster
Desolate2nite · 12/10/2019 05:30

I did post earlier this year, under a different name, saying how awful he was when I was abroad with my mum

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 12/10/2019 05:43

You have moved on from addiction and recreational drugs and he hasn't. He is being disrespectful of your choice for happiness, to live free of recreational drugs and to heal what drove you down the path of addiction
Close the door on him and make it clear you are proud of your choices and he needs to respect them.

You can then open the door to other partners who love you for you and dont need to coerce you into living like them.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 12/10/2019 05:56

My dad passed away suddenly nearly 3 years ago, I got back with the ex not long after that. Drugs briefly killed the pain of loss. My dad would be so disappointed in me doing it again. He and my mum were amazing with me the first time

OP posts:
45andfine · 12/10/2019 06:47

Life is about having a vision of the person you want to be and then spending every minute being that person.
It sounds like you have made the decision not to be a drug addict.

Sometimes ( this may sound weird) creating a physical version of the way you want your life helps to stay focused and bring into being the life you want.

Create a mood board. Cut out pictures of the way you want to look, the job you want to do, the house you want to create etc etc stick them together and display it where you can inspire yourself every day to stay on track.

Involve your mum to give you strength thru the dark times, and be forgiving to yourself.

If you read, there are some brilliant motivational books about taking control and creating the life you want. The ones that changed my life are "The Power of Now" Ecthart Tolle and "Conversations with Good" by Neale Donald Walsch.

( Ignore the title, I'm not some mad Christian fanatic 😂)

But both books will pull you out of your conditioned way of thinking and give you a new fresh approach to life. Best couple of pounds I've ever spent on eBay. Good luck ❤️

45andfine · 12/10/2019 06:48

*God

Nondescriptname · 12/10/2019 09:26

Your Dad would be so proud of you for taking the step you have, OP.
Does your Mum know what's been happening?

lexiepuppy · 12/10/2019 15:08

Well done ,you are not repeating the patterns from your past, you are breaking away and staying healthy.

The Universe throws things at us , to see if we are evolving and you just made a good decision not to take a step backwards.
Flowers Be proud of yourself, I am sure your dad would have been. Flowers

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/10/2019 15:25

Agree that your dad would surely be immensely proud of this OP, you walking away to prioritise yourself. What more could a parent hope for. You've been through a lot and have overcome a lot and need to stick to your guns again to come out the other side of this.

It's normal to miss someone but I would focus on the fact that that person loves drugs more than you, is a criminal, and primarily- would not want you on drugs if they really loved you. You don't need what he is offering OP, it sounds like a one way ticket to misery with the only bonus being company. You can find better company. Distract yourself, see a counsellor, stick to your guns as a strong woman and claim your life back, find ways to stop him being a comfort blanket for you when that is an illusion. Feel grateful you have more about you than he does.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 12/10/2019 15:44

Yes I told my mum yesterday. Posted his keys through this letterbox this morning and changed my phone number

OP posts:
Nondescriptname · 12/10/2019 16:34

Well done, OP. Stay strong.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/10/2019 03:04

Day one gone well, unfriended his friends as I know my circle has to change. Feeling a great sense of relief. Onwards and upwards 😀 Thanks for the comments, all completely true

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 13/10/2019 07:07

Go girl!

MintyT · 13/10/2019 07:19

How are you today, sometimes I'm amazed at how strong women can be when they need to be you take care of you best wishes

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/10/2019 08:58

I'm good thanks. Just have a great feeling of relief at having got everything out in the open and making a positive decision 😀

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 13/10/2019 10:00

Well done! Be well xxx

lexiepuppy · 13/10/2019 10:08

That's a good move to delete him from social media and mutual friends. Get rid of any reminders of him, if you have anything of his at home either bag it up and give to someone to give it back or charity shop it.
Think of it as a detoxing process and you have to start getting him out of your system in various different ways.

Then focus on yourself and start healing.

See if there is a familiar pattern of being drawn to a certain type of man.

Were there addicts in your past?

Do you take on a rescuer role in relationships?

Start fixing your inner wounds and love yourself more! FlowersFlowersFlowers

Stay strong, and don't lose your sparkle!Grin

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/10/2019 10:45

No I've never been with another addict and o don't know why i went back to him. The girlfriend before me in 1991 committed suicide and it seems that most women he had a relationship with ended up with a drug habit. I shouldn't have been so weak and got back with him, but I won't make the same mistake again

OP posts:
Original poster
Desolate2nite · 14/10/2019 10:25

He has just been into my work, thrown my stuff into the place in a binbag and called me shitface. Could've been worse I suppose. A little bit tearful now 😢

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2019 10:33

He's a nasty piece of work.
Be glad you have your stuff back.
You will be teary for a while.
But you took charge!
You ended it.
Well done - that took strength.
Keep leaning on your mum for support.
You will get through it.