confused, annoyed (and hungry)

[illbethereforyou1]

Hi, I'm hoping people out there could shed some light on this issue albeit it might be minor and I'm probably being a bit daft it's starting to get to me.
Living with my OH for 2 years now & the agreement was that I'm the cleaner he's the cook. I clean our flat spotless twice a week, he probably cooks once a week so the rest of the week it's a bit all over the place like he'll grab a wrap from the shop & I'll put something in the oven. The last few months when he gets home from work he'll sit down we'll catch up & then he or I will ask what each other fancies for dinner, decision gets made then when he doesn't move I assume he's tired so of course I offer to cook but get told 'no, I'm doing it, just let me finish watching this' then this goes on for a couple of hours by which point I go in the kitchen to start & he'll say go sit down I'll do it but he doesn't! I have digestive problems (IBS) & don't want to eat late at night so by the time he eventually goes to cook I say no thanks & go to bed. It's not just with cooking though, for instance : bin night.. we'll have 2 or 3 bags to take out the front & around 8/9pm I'll remind him, I get the usual 'I'll do it later' to which I say ' I'll do it now in case you forget' but no... he insists on doing it so I leave him to it. Wake up the next day bin men have been & ours are still in our bin! This is happening a lot & my mom said I should just DO it all & not listen to him but that seems a bit unfair considering I will then be cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing & taking out the bins. Any idea's what I should do? Thanks for reading.

He's being a lazy and inconsiderate so and so - I'd stop being nice about it and tell him straight - even the way you've written it down here is clear as day and he shouldn't be able to argue any different.

Don't do what your mum suggests - you are not his parent, and not his maid.

He has no intention of lifting a finger and has zero respect for you. Is that really how you want to live?

He is very lazy and inconsiderate. You should have a conversation where you make it absolutely plain that you will not be doing everything. If that changes nothing then just cook and leave the rest. If that doesn’t work leave him, he’s not worth the hassle

What a lazy git.

Well, he’s got you well trained into the wife work, hasn’t he? And you’re nit doing a thing about it. I dare say you’re also the one to remember to buy his mum’s birthday too? I really hope you’re nit planning to have children with him, because then you’ll have to care for two kids, the one you give birth to and the one you’re living with.

You need to sort this out with him OP, or this will just get worse as the relationship goes on. You’re going to bed without food, because he’s too selfish and lazy to cook, ffs!

What did he say about the bins, the next day? I dare say it was a sulky, whinging “I forgot, stop going on!”

He's a pisstaker. This stuff kills relationships, imagine him in 5 more years, when you could have a baby keeping you up all night and a toddler who needs to eat about 25 times a day, and you're on no sleep doing everything 24/7 while His Highness sits on his last fucking arse watching you run yourself into the ground (and.probably bitches because you're not as up for sex as you used to be). Tell him to step up or fuck off.

I think you need to nip this in the bud before it just becomes way of life. In our house I do most of the cooking and the shopping and take care of the bills, dh does bins and most of the washing and the vacuuming. We have a system that works for us. You need to be clear

Ask him again what he want his "jobs" to be. Would he like to swap with you? I bet he wouldn't!

Tell him your health suffers if you eat too late and that by "cooking" you expect him to actually do something! It doesn't have to be masterchef but a hot meal would be nice. He just sounds lazy and like a bit of an arse!

If you end up doing it all yourself, make sure you put him out with the rubbish too.

Basically, him cooking isn't working, so you need to have a conversation about it. Point out that in the past two weeks, he's cooked x amount of times and you've gone to bed hungry or done it yourself how ever many times. And that you want and need to eat earlier, so doing it to his timetable doesn't work for you. And so he'll need to do a different chore. Also, make him feel the consequences of missing chores. He fails to put the bins out, he has to take it to the dump. He fails to cook, you go ahead and eat yourself but don't do him anything.

But honestly, he's basically a lazy person who is creating the narrative you're the nagging wife. Do you want that role?

Don't get pregnant, fgs. So. Much. Worse. When you have dc.

I’d sit down again and talk to him about all this; explain that you don’t want to eat after a certain time and if he doesn’t want to do all the cooking then that’s fine but he needs to take on a different job so that it is more equal.

I half suspect that at this point he knows that if he doesn’t do it then you will do just doesn’t bother.

Stop being a martyr, he is making a fool out of you. Imagine what life with him will be like if you have kids. Get very serious with him now, he will pull his wait or you will dump him. Your mother is not helping with that kind of backwards advice. Sort him now and for god sakes dont just do it for him, if he can get up and function normally then he can do his chores.

Tell him you share from now on and feed you in a way your body needs or you go your separate ways. Mean it. This will show you how committed he actually is.

Your mums advice is interesting and possibly shows the sort of person you are too. You probably showed these traits early in the relationship, which is part of what will have attracted him to you in the first place. He May lose interest if he has to pull his weight. But if he doesn’t, find someone, who values you.

Jesus, OP. He’s training you. And it’s working, because you genuinely appear to think it might be a ‘minor issue’ and you’re being ‘daft’.

You are just his house keeper. He doesn't need to do anything as you will do it.

Tell him to go back to his mum if he wants to be an inconsiderate child.

You need a man who treats you as an equal or not at all.
Do not put up with this you deserve better.

Also, do have a think about cooking vs cleaning as a "fair" division.
Consider this:

• cooking is one of the few household chores that is praised regularly, "ooh, ahh, thanks, looks lovely" (rare for cleaning to be praised or even acknowledged - does he thank you?)
• it's higher status and seen as a skill
• does he clean up afterwards?
• does he meal plan and shop for it?
• there are shortcuts with cooking, whereas with cleaning, if you don't scrub the bog..

Unless you actively hate cooking, it's really not fair division of labour.

My XH did this. 'I'll wash up,' he'd say. 'Just leave it.' So that three days later, when we'd run out of plates and I was forced to wash up, he could indignantly say 'I SAID I was going to do it! So it's your fault if you end up doing it instead!'. And he did this about EVERYTHING. If I didn't want to live in a slum, I had to do it all.

How is your DP when people come round, OP? Does he do stuff when other people can see?

I'd suggest another conversation, he may genuinely just not be that interested in food and think that everyone is the same. Or change the jobs, you cook and he can do other stuff that won't affect your insides!

But I actually think he's a lazy sod who is just trying to get out of doing anything because he knows you will take over. But a conversation to point this out should be the first step. Then you go nuclear...

It looks like passive aggressive behaviour to me. Agreeing to do things and then not getting round to it which actually equates to 'how dare you ask me, I'm not going to do it'. Do you call him out on it when he 'forgets' or just let it go for an easy life? If you aren't able to resolve this by open, honest conversation it won't get any better I'm afraid.

my mom said I should just DO it all & not listen to him
THAT is your mums solution!?
Wow - no wonder you are so passive in all of this.
It's not working.
He is NOT pulling his weight.
He is a lazy arse-wipe.
It really is that simple.
Why are you putting up with this?
Why is your bar so low?
You can do better.
You'd be far better off just looking after yourself.
Dump and run OP.
THIS will NOT improve - EVER!!!!!
If you really must stay then stop cleaning.
Stop doing his washing.
He's not holding up his side of the bargain so neither do you.
Do your own washing, cooking and cleaning.
Cook for yourself and leave him to his own devices.
But honestly - Just tell him to fuck off!

I'd just start doing things for myself.

My own ironing, cleaning and washing my own laundry, my own cooking etc. Tell him your arrangement clearly isn't working since he doesn't pull his weight enough and isn't considerate.

Or better yet send the man child back to his parents.

You keeping the house clean vs him cooking one meal a week clearly isn't the actual agreement is it.

This either needs to be fixed, or you should leave him because it will only get worse and the next thing you know, you'll have DC and he'l be leaving everything to you.

The cooking thing, for example, I can see his response, "I said I would do it. why does it all have to be done to YOUR time line?" This is the classic.

And I think the answer is that if he's going to cook, at least SOME of the time, it has to be at a time that is convenient to you as well.

And if he says that he LIKEs eating late, then you will have to start cooking for YOURSELF early and leaving him to it and see if he starts to see your point.

But I'm not optimistic to be honest.

Thank you for replying. Really good to hear your advice. @MrGsFancyNewVagina yes that's exactly what he says 'don't go on about it, so I forgot get over it' 😡

DEFINTELY do not want children with this man child. Like PP said I'll end up cleaning after 2 children!
@category12 no he doesn't do a meal plan & rarely goes to the shops. That's a really good point about fair division : if I didn't clean as much as he doesn't cook we'd live in a pig sty.

@Zaphodsotherhead - this has happened plenty of times where he says he'll do it then doesn't so I get a bit indignant & refuse but then days will go by so I just think fuck it I'll do it. When we have people over he will clean & keep things tidy - obviously putting on a show for guests.

When we have people over he will clean & keep things tidy - obviously putting on a show for guests.

That says it all. Guests are important enough for him to step up and be an adult for - but you aren't. The person he's actually living with isn't important enough for him to shop and cook for. So you go to bed hungry or do it all yourself.

Something to think about.

I think you're right @Dacquoise he is passive aggressive and I also think it might be a way to control me maybe? I don't know. @BlingLoving if I complain or as he calls it 'nag' he says why do things need to be done now, and he'll do it in his own time, but that doesn't work for me because his time is 11pm or something.