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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did he take advantage

37 replies

Blessed23 · 10/10/2019 09:25

Hi
I've recently posted a few threads as I'm struggling in my relationship at the moment for various reasons, one of the main reasons is something that happened a few years ago.
I had been out drinking with my sister in law when 2 guys came over chatting to us, one convinced me to put my drink down while he showed me his Australian ID. After the point everything went black, my sister in law said I literally lost the ability to speak or walk so she obviously got me home. I'm convinced I was spiked.
Looking back I would have hoped that me partner would have had the decency to put me to bed. But instead he took the opportunity to do what he wanted with me. By this point we had been together around 7 years with 2 kids. I kind of remember being sick in the bath and then he was doing whatever he wanted to me on the bathroom floor. I can't help but feel like he had no level of respect for me and I can't get over it. I feel like he shouldn't have done that. I have addressed it with him but he brushes it off. Am I over reacting or was he wrong to do that
TIA

OP posts:

Ohnoherewego62 · 10/10/2019 09:29

Oh my goodness.

How terrible. I'm sorry you've went through this.

Would going to the police be an option for you? Has he got form for this type behaviour?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2019 09:38

That is horrendous OP.
No wonder you feel like you do.
He absolutely took advantage.
He basically raped you.
I have addressed it with him but he brushes it off
And this attitude makes it harder for you to understand.

Would you consider contacting Rape Crisis and getting some support to understand what happened?
As he was this vile in this situation I'm assuming he is abusive in other ways too?
If he is then also contact Womens Aid.
But I could not be near someone who took advantage and raped me when at my most vulnerable.
Get some support and then make some decisions.

I'm so sorry OP.
I honestly can't imagine what this is doing to you.
Reach out.

pooopypants · 10/10/2019 09:50

Sweetheart, he raped you, I'm so sorry

Can you confide in a close friend or relative? Would you consider going to the police?

Original poster

Blessed23 · 10/10/2019 10:21

Thanks everyone. I don't feel like he raped me. I do feel very angry and upset by it though, I know it wasn't right of him to do it. He is obsessed with sex, he sulks and guilt trips me if I turn him down so I just give in to save the hassle. He even demanded it whilst I was ill with a sickness bug. I just feel like his behaviour with sex isn't right. He even gets annoyed at me when my period comes

OP posts:

MrsMaiselsMuff · 10/10/2019 10:25

His behaviour is about as far from right as could be.

You need to end the relationship. Is there someone in real life that can support you with this? Will he leave your home if you ask him to?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/10/2019 10:27

This is wrong. Very very wrong. Your body is yours, not his. You are not a blow up doll or a walking hole to shove his dick in when HE feels like it. This is less about sex but more that he feels he owns your body. He doesn't.

And yes - he did rape you. You were in no state to give consent.

He's vile.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2019 11:05

He is obsessed with sex, he sulks and guilt trips me if I turn him down so I just give in to save the hassle
Fuckinghell OP - your update is even more horrendous.
Why are you living your life like this?
His sex toy.
[boak]
After that update, please contact Womens Aid.
None of this is right and none of this normal.
You do NOT have to put up with it.
You do not have to live this life!!!!!

MMadness · 10/10/2019 11:09

Dude. Tell him to Fuck. Along.

He raped you. You couldn't give consent.

He is a pig.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2019 11:11

God, to have been spiked by strangers and then raped by your own partner - that is terrible.

OP, you have to leave him. You can't live with someone like that.

SprinkleDash · 10/10/2019 11:22

@Blessed23 you were taken advantage of by someone who is meant to look after you and protect you! I’d end the relationship as soon as possible because of what happened but also because he quite clearly doesn’t respect you as is evident by the guilt tripping and sulking over sex!

Ounce · 10/10/2019 11:26

I don't feel like he raped me

Darling, rape is not defined by how you feel about it. You didn't (couldn't!) consent to sex, therefore he raped you. Wishing you strength to get away from him .

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 11:31

jesus, he knew you were drugged and he raped you? fuck, you get spiked by some pig when you're out, get taken home to safety but get assaulted by the person who is supposed to love you? that is horrific

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/10/2019 11:37

He raped you OP, I'm very sorry. You cannot consent when drugged or drunk and did not, nor did you want that to happen regardless. You're not his property to 'do what he wants with' because you are married or in a relationship and marital/domestic rape is no less of a crime. I am not surprised you are struggling with this OP; you live with someone you cannot trust not to sexually assault you at your most vulnerable. The fact you say he posters and bullies for sex merely proves who he is as a person and what he thinks of you/women.

I would report him frankly and get rid asap OP but please do go and see a counsellor to discuss this or your GP., contact womens aid- this is not normal, he is a criminal and an abuser- and that is true whether it 'feels' true or not. Emotions are complex things and they misfire often in trying to protect us from truths that are hard to digest.

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 11:38

That is simply dreadful, Blessed. I feel very upset for you.

Your partner DID rape you, make no mistake about that. It's hardly surprising that he tries to brush it off, he knows what he did.

From what else you say about his attitude to sex and sulking when he doesn't get it, he is certainly quite a bad man with little self control.

Like Ounce above, I too am wishing you strength to get away from him. You have children and sooner or later they are going to get the measure of the man if not all the details. You owe it to them to give them a wholesome home and family life which can be achieved without a partner.

I don't know what else to say except that I am so sorry. You'll receive plenty of support on here and I hope you have at least one good friend or family member who can prop you up in real life.

Haffiana · 10/10/2019 11:39

I don't feel like he raped me

He raped you. He is a rapist. He will do it again if he ever gets the chance.

Don't minimise this - he will do it again if he ever gets the chance.

Raisingwildanimals · 10/10/2019 11:41

That’s such an awful thing to happen and I’m so sorry you had to go through it OP. You say you don’t feel like it was rape but it was, you couldn’t consent and he should have been the person to keep you safe after having your drink spiked. This must be so difficult for you but try to think of this a different way, if it had happened to your friend or a family member then what would you tell them? How would you advise someone else who had been through that?

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/10/2019 11:47

I don't feel like he raped me

That's because he has conditioned you to accept that you are his to use as he sees fit. In the eyes of the law and any reasonable person though what he did was absolutely rape. Please seriously consider speaking to someone in real life. There are charities such as Rape Crisis who will help you and support you in clarifying your own thoughts. They won't force or pressure you to do anything or make any decisions that you are not comfortable with.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/10/2019 11:48

This is absolutely horrific. One of the most shocking things I’ve read on here.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. He absolutely did rape you, when you were at your very most vulnerable.

DriftingLeaves · 10/10/2019 11:49

You were raped. Leave this cunt.

LuluBellaBlue · 10/10/2019 11:53

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
When you were at your most vulnerable and needing to be taken care of - he should of been concerned about you choking on your sick / having a bad reaction to whatever you were spiked with - he instead chose to have sex with you when you were unable to either consent or stop him.
He may be your partner and father of your children but that’s still rape.
Sorry

Nicolastuffedone · 10/10/2019 11:53

You don’t think you were raped? Check what the police would call it.

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 11:53

I'm glad so many of us agree that leaving this apology for a man is the way forward.

It will need careful planning, make sure all your ducks are in a row and then leave or, better still, kick him out, Blessed. He is vile.

Haffiana · 10/10/2019 12:46

I have looked at a few other posts by you about the man you live with.

He is a rapist.
He treats you like a blow-up doll, gropes you sexually all the time and forces you to have sex with him quite apart from this.
You don't love him.
For some bizarre reason you think he loves you and that this should be a consideration when deciding to stay with him or not.
You keep emphasising that he has never hit you.

I wonder if it would help you to understand that no other normal woman would go near your partner no matter how much he said he 'loved' them. Like me, they would find him utterly vile and disgusting.

That no other woman would put 'he doesn't hit me' as a plus point. We wouldn't set the bar this low.

That he is sexually abusive.

That it doesn't matter if he insists his behaviour is normal if you don't agree that it is.

That you do not need his permission or agreement to leave, nor do you have to give him a reason that he accepts. You do not have to arrange it so that he is happy with your decision. His reaction is not your problem.

That he will never agree with you that you need to leave him, so don't worry about trying to make him see your point of view.

You can leave because the relationship is doing nothing for you.

You should never do counselling with an abuser.

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 10/10/2019 12:50

He is disgusting and I am so so sorry that happened to you OP.

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2019 12:51

He raped you
I'm sorry it happened too
Can you leave him? Could you call rape crisis or women's aid?

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