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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD!? Any help welcome! Changed ex.

35 replies

HakunaMatoota · 09/10/2019 17:18

First time poster here - please be kind.

So I have an 18month old DD with my ex. We were on and off for a while but have been off for more than a year now.
He was unkind, unfaithful, loved alcohol a bit too much and was a terrible dad.

One night he came home from the pub threatening to smash the house (my house) up, whilst our little baby slept. He was creating in the street and being all kinds of horrible.

I sent him back to his parents, because be wouldn't even sit quietly in the house. He was running around try to get aggressive.

Anyway the next day he said he was sorry etc. But I'd taken DD to my mum's cause I couldn't be dealing with him. Anyway, mum is lovely, but fairly controlling. She didn't like my ex anyway and basically used this as leverage to tell me to leave him.

I struggled to pay the bills without him. Mum kindly helped from time to time...I'm so so grateful, I'd have been repossessed without this help.

But now I feel under control of my mum.
Mum put pressure on me to stop access, to see a solicitor and try and stop my ex seeing DD.

Anyway, fast forward to now. My and my ex get on brilliantly. He's a brilliant father, he barely drinks, he's supportive and really seems to have changed....wants us to get back together and be a family. I honestly don't think he would have changed if we hadn't had the break.

Only problem is any mention of him to my mum and she starts muttering how he is scum. She says I'm doing better on my own. The thing is, I'm not, I'm miles happier as a family. I can't actually talk to her about him. If I do say anything she turns it to a negative.

It's at the point where I'm living a double life. Trying to keep mum happy. But trying to be my own family.

The situation is turning me short tempered, snappy and paranoid with my ex and my mum. I don't know how to proceed.

I really want to try with my ex. Because he really has changed, he's a lovely dad now. And I literally dream about us all being together.

But I feel like mum will never speak to me again. And I also feel like it's a slap in the face as she has helped me out.

I just wondered if anyone on the outside looking in could help!

I just want to be happy but this situation is making me feel round the twist.

Sorry it's long

OP posts:
peachgreen · 09/10/2019 17:20

He won't change OP. I'm sorry but a man who has been abusive always has the capacity to be abusive. And as hard as it is to face, your mum is right. You're better off without him. She's trying to protect you.

quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 17:22

Bollocks has he changed. Your mum is trying to protect you and your child from an abusive, violent man.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2019 17:23

let him be a good dad then to begin with without getting back together it is too soon I think for anything else

quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 17:25

Abusive men pretend to change all the fucking time to lure women back in. Play acting for a while is easy. People who think abuse is acceptable do not magically change like that.

You are living in a fantasy world.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2019 17:28

Your mother has the benefit of wisdom that sadly you have failed to achieve as of yet. You would be a fool to get back together with this man. He is merely pretending to have changed, and once he regains the control he lost, he will go back to his true self. If you can't make the right decision for yourself, do it for your child.

KermitTheFrogIsNotAVegan · 09/10/2019 17:28

He's being all nicey nicey now while he wants you back. Fast forward a couple of years and you're back with him , that mask will have slipped and he'll start dicking around on you again. It's not about being a couple at all, its about him being in control of you.

As for your mum... well if you do go back to him and your mum won't speak to you then he's got what he wanted. To separate you from people who love you and make you more dependent on him.

Don't go there OP. He may be all sweetness and light now, but once he gets his claws back into you then he'll show you who he really is - hell, he already has.

Is that what you want your daughter to see and think acceptable?

june2007 · 09/10/2019 17:34

I think your right your mum is being controlling and unreasonable. But nether would i go back to a potential violent man. You need to stand on your own two feet and say, I am going to be frends with my ex and I am going to be friends with mum. Don't let either bully you.

Original poster
HakunaMatoota · 09/10/2019 17:35

Thank you all so much for your replies. Probably going to get some stick for this, but I feel he has changed a fair bit.

I didn't want my daughter seeing it, or growing up thinking it was normal and that's what she should expect.

I think he's changed because he's gone from drinking most nights at the pub, to going about once every couple of weeks and drinking less. And he doesn't drink at home. He is interested in our daughter and plays and has time for her like good parents now. This has been going on for about 6 months...

Am I still being naïve?

I really do appreciate any comments ☺️

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 09/10/2019 17:40

Bollocks. Have you slept with him since he’s “changed”? ‘Cos that’s what he’s after...he doesn’t care two flying figs about you or his daughter! He just wants what he wants.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2019 17:48

yes you are because once you get back together the chances are it will go back

As I said let him see your daughter and be a good dad

SevenStones · 09/10/2019 17:53

That's great that he's been like this now for six months.

It's still way too short a time for you to be thinking about getting back together with him.

Let him be a great dad for another 12 months and if he's still the same as now then yes, give it another think and by then you'll have a much longer (and much more realistic) time span to talk to your mum about.

It's easy to pretend for 6 months. Less easy to do that for 18 months.

Clangus00 · 09/10/2019 17:54

How often does he have contact with his daughter? Where does that take place? Does he pay proper maintenance for her?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/10/2019 18:00

As others have said...

Where does he have contact with her?
Does he pay maintenance properly?
Have you resumed sex with him?
Does he stay a few nights a week?
Does he pay his way if he does?

If you said no more relationship with you and he had to arrange proper visitation outside your home what would he do?

championquartz · 09/10/2019 18:02

I agree with all the PPs. Like he’ll he has changed.

6 months is NOTHING. Let him be a good dad for at least another year and decide then. In a way I’m sorry for you OP, but he will revert to type, there is nothing surer. Your mum sounds like a good mum, she’s trying to protect you.

That old adage comes to mind -
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Sorry to sound harsh op.

championquartz · 09/10/2019 18:03

Like hell he has changed

KermitTheFrogIsNotAVegan · 09/10/2019 18:03

Yes, you're still being naive. He'll not change as long as there's a hole in his arse.

Original poster
HakunaMatoota · 09/10/2019 18:12

Don't worry about being harsh - I just needed to chat it over I think and see what it was like from the outside.
We meet him out on a weekend and he comes after work and helps with putting her to bed.
Has always paid regular maintenance.
We have had sex a couple of times, but couldn't call it regular.
He never stays because I always tell him to leave.
As for stopping all contact in the house, I did this a while ago, to see his reaction and to see if it would be better for us, he missed DD and would always message about her.

I know other people have bigger issues, I just wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 09/10/2019 18:16

Once he gets his feet back under the table he'll be the same prick he always was. He's behaving now to get back in. Your mum might be controlling, but she's not wrong!

championquartz · 09/10/2019 18:16

Take oodles of time your time op. There’s no rush. If he’s a good dad now, he’ll be a good dad in 2 years.

Heed the other posters. Don’t let him fool you.

SevenStones · 09/10/2019 18:19

I think you need to stop having sex with him, then see how he is for a decent period of time. It's all too mixed up at the moment.

Right now it looks as if you're sliding back into having a relationship. So, it's not really correct to say things have been different for six months. You've been letting him back in - for how long? You don't need to answer that question to us, but you need to be honest with yourself.

He's making an effort because he sees you're letting him back bit by bit - so there's an end point here that isn't too far in the future.

Yes, I think you're being naive. I think if you let him back you'll be in exactly the same place you were before because he knows he doesn't have to "change" for long to bring you back onside.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 09/10/2019 18:22

Of course you dream of having a happy family - that doesn't mean your ex is going to provide it.

Don't have sex with him. If you already are, then stop.

Tell your mum that you are in contact with him so he has a chance to be a good dad.
Ask your Mum to help you in giving your DD a relationship with her dad.

Your Mum has been a bit controlling but you know she has your best interests at heart.
You definitely don't know any such thing about your ex.

Clangus00 · 09/10/2019 18:25

He needs to stay out of your house. Where is he staying just now?

Livelovelearn1 · 09/10/2019 18:30

If you only see him for a bit in the weekend and a bit in the evenings... how do you really know he has actually changed? It would be pretty easy to keep a facade up for those times just to get what he wants. I agree with others, let him be a good dad . Dont consider getting back together for a very long while. If ypu get back together chances are everything will go back tp what it was. People dont just change...

Ginger1982 · 09/10/2019 19:12

Don't have sex with him for heaven's sake!

Robin2323 · 09/10/2019 19:15

I think carry on as you are fir now.

There isn't any rush.

People do change.
We all change.
We re suppose to.
I've changed.
People do grow up.

BUT 6 months is no time at all.

Sounds like you're changing and putting healthy boundaries in place with ex and dm.

Keep up the good work.
Your dd will love you for it.

You may get back together or you may end up best friends who co- parent.

You have a wonderful opportunity to find the real you.

You are a strong woman. Well done.