WWYD!? Any help welcome! Changed ex.

[HakunaMatoota]

First time poster here - please be kind.

So I have an 18month old DD with my ex. We were on and off for a while but have been off for more than a year now.
He was unkind, unfaithful, loved alcohol a bit too much and was a terrible dad.

One night he came home from the pub threatening to smash the house (my house) up, whilst our little baby slept. He was creating in the street and being all kinds of horrible.

I sent him back to his parents, because be wouldn't even sit quietly in the house. He was running around try to get aggressive.

Anyway the next day he said he was sorry etc. But I'd taken DD to my mum's cause I couldn't be dealing with him. Anyway, mum is lovely, but fairly controlling. She didn't like my ex anyway and basically used this as leverage to tell me to leave him.

I struggled to pay the bills without him. Mum kindly helped from time to time...I'm so so grateful, I'd have been repossessed without this help.

But now I feel under control of my mum.
Mum put pressure on me to stop access, to see a solicitor and try and stop my ex seeing DD.

Anyway, fast forward to now. My and my ex get on brilliantly. He's a brilliant father, he barely drinks, he's supportive and really seems to have changed....wants us to get back together and be a family. I honestly don't think he would have changed if we hadn't had the break.

Only problem is any mention of him to my mum and she starts muttering how he is scum. She says I'm doing better on my own. The thing is, I'm not, I'm miles happier as a family. I can't actually talk to her about him. If I do say anything she turns it to a negative.

It's at the point where I'm living a double life. Trying to keep mum happy. But trying to be my own family.

The situation is turning me short tempered, snappy and paranoid with my ex and my mum. I don't know how to proceed.

I really want to try with my ex. Because he really has changed, he's a lovely dad now. And I literally dream about us all being together.

But I feel like mum will never speak to me again. And I also feel like it's a slap in the face as she has helped me out.

I just wondered if anyone on the outside looking in could help!

I just want to be happy but this situation is making me feel round the twist.

Sorry it's long

OH op that sounds pretty bad he can’t be bothered to do actual parenting just come to yours and he messages
He is still controlling you

Has he done any counselling or seen a professional for either his anger management or his drinking?
If not, then it is highly likely he'll go back to how he was before if you get back together.

I'd tell him 2 years - if you see no evidence of abuse or anger in 2 years, then you'll consider it. Don't sleep with him in the meantime, it confuses your emotions. 6-12 months of seeing you for only a fraction of each day is nothing. Anyone can pretend for that.

As for stopping all contact in the house, I did this a while ago, to see his reaction and to see if it would be better for us, he missed DD and would always message about her.

So he didn't do anything to change his situation.. he just waited for you to change your mind, which you did because he missed DD which you know because he messaged about her not to say that he had a better living arrangement and could see her properly, just poor little old him and how much he missed her!

Have another think. He is, at best, being totally pathetic and not making any effort to actually be an adult, let alone a parent. He is still making you dance to his tune!

I'm in your mother's position.
My DD went back to him with LO.
He hasn't hurt anyone yet, but they're now engages - and I know somethings going on because my DD keeps disappearing overnight to her friend's house. She doesn't know I know.
There are other warning signs, money issues which I can't work out as he's working. Odd periods of radio silence from my DD
I'm waiting for the other show to drop.
It's so stressful.
I have my GC as much as possible so I can keep an eye on him. Feel like crying as I think about it. But I know if I push my DD about it she'll clam up or get defensive.
Your mum is scared for you, I promise. She's not deliberately trying to control you. She wants to protect you.

He’s a scumbag and you’re an idiot if you fall for it. He’s been unfaithful already Ffs! Not a good dad.

She didn't like my ex anyway and basically used this as leverage to tell me to leave him.

Don't see it as 'leverage'.
See it as good advice coming from love and concern for you and your DD.
People on here would have given the same advice, if you'd posted at that time.

I know other people have bigger issues,

You're getting advice here from posters who want you to avoid becoming one of the people with bigger issues.
Please back off from doing exactly what your ex wants, especially sex, and see if he can be a good dad consistently.

Sounds like he comes to see you and not his daughter.

Does he ever have her overnight or on his own so you can have a rest or go and socialise with your friends? That's what good dad's do.

If you want to see the real him ask him to have his daughter so you can go on a date!!! Your mother is right about this man

Silly silly girl, your mum is trying to protect you and your dd, there are lots of women on here who have been through this, listen to them and stop looking like lifes a fairytale. Grow up!

You can never trust a man who said he has changed after such a short time even if you are witnessing what you think is changed behaviour. He has a lot to gain right now by acting like he's changing, it doesn't mean the core issues have been dealt with, even if he is behaving in the 'right' ways now.

What has he done to address the issues that caused him to act like that in the first place?

it sounds like he was a problem drinker, cutting down on going out or drinking doesn't actually fix that problem at all, it's AA that he would need for that, people with those kind of habits fall back into them so easily.

He was unkind? Why was he unkind? Does he know the reasons? Has he reflected on why he would think it's ok to treat someone like that using some form of therapy? If not then what is to stop it from happening again?

He was unfaithful? Does he know why? Would you trust him now?

He's a good dad now? well how can you be sure that that would continue if you put the final nail in the coffin for the relationship? There are a hell of a lot of posters on here (me included) who thought that the men they were with were good dads before they split up with them, guess what though, lots of us had no doubt in our mind that they'd continue to be great dads after the split, the reality for a lot of us was that we were wrong, they don't put the effort in, they don't want to financially contribute or else only want to contribute the bare minimum and they're selfish with their time.

Agree with PP's I'm afraid OP, nowhere near enough time has elapsed for you to know whether these are real, permanent changes or just him keeping up a front til his feet are back under your table. He needs to put way more work into earning both yours and your DM's trust before you even consider getting back with him, at least a couple of years of maintaining a better lifestyle and making serious effort and sacrifices for you and DC. If your DM had seen that degree of effort over that kind of timescale she would probably be a lot less worried and against the idea.

I think you need to know your own worth, if he really loves you and wants to make a go of your family he will be willing to do the groundwork. A couple of years building trust and proving he has changed isn't too much to ask after what he put you through is it?