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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this be inappropriate?

40 replies

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 19:36

My boyfriend of eight months has recently behaved in a couple of ways that are ringing alarm bells for me. Otherwise it is very good. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and am not sure if I am being overly sensitive, and don’t want to end a relationship unnecessarily.

His last significant relationship ended 2-3 years ago. A friend suggested I contact her to ask if she had ever found him to be controlling and/or abusive. I’m not sure about this for a number of reasons (she might go straight to him for example, although unlikely as they no longer have contact) but from what he’s said she sounds like a nice person and may be able to help clarify things one way or another. I know they had a lot of rows, from what he has said.

Would a polite, straight to the point message be a bad idea, or reasonable? Thank you.

OP posts:

GeneHuntLover · 08/10/2019 19:43

Why do you need to ask her, has he been controlling and abusive with you?

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 19:45

Possibly. What he’s done is so bizarre I can’t post it here because it could be outing.

OP posts:

Fantababy · 08/10/2019 19:47

Is there's not a law (Clare's law?) where you can contact the police to find out if someone's had a previous domestic violence conviction? (Although, tbh, if you have to contact the police to find that out, there have probably been enough red flags that you should probably leave anyway.)

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 19:49

I’ve done Clare’s Law and there wasn’t anything. I would do Clare’s Law on pretty much any new partner because of my previous experience. But most controlling and abusive behaviour goes unreported so it’s not necessarily indicative of anything.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 08/10/2019 19:57

I was in your exact same position a few years back and wanted to contact my abusive partners ex and ask questions.

In hindsight I wish I'd just got the fuck out of there.

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2019 20:00

Do you mean a friend of his has given you the heads up that he has been abusive in the past, and that she can tell you all about it? Or that a friend of yours who doesn’t know her/ him is suggesting it ?

pallisers · 08/10/2019 20:00

Possibly. What he’s done is so bizarre I can’t post it here because it could be outing.

Look you are clearly upset at what he did, find it bizarre, and think it may be controlling and/or abusive. What more do you need? A strange woman isn't going to tell you anything. What if she says "no he was fine with me"? Will you still feel ok about what he did?

Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 20:01

I agree that Clare's law, although a step in the right direction, isn't always going to be helpful. Plenty of people are abusive without having a conviction against them.

I wouldn't advise contacting his ex.

Can you not name change and then come back and tell us about the bizarre behaviour? If you can't then just dump him if his behaviour is ringing alarm bells for you. Intuition is a form of self-protection which we should listen to. Don't stay with someone who is making you feel ill at ease.

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:01

I don’t know if it’s abusive or not though, that’s the problem. I’ve done the freedom programme and am pretty clued up on this stuff, but this has really thrown me. I’ve been trying to call women’s aid and my local DV centre on and off today but I can’t get through. I did leave WA a message though, so hopefully they’ll call back. I suppose I feel I might get more clarity from his ex partner but I don’t want to do anything inappropriate.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 08/10/2019 20:02

I think a lot of us would like to offer up some advice but a bit stuck without knowing the gist.

Either way, an alarm bell is ringing. Listen to your gut.

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:05

A friend of mine suggested it.

Can you not name change and then come back and tell us about the bizarre behaviour?

No, for complex reasons it could be outing (yes I know I’m being annoying). I will PM somebody if they are happy to offer me considered advice rather than necessarily just “LTB”. I’m really torn.

OP posts:

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 08/10/2019 20:05

It doesn't matter if it's technically abuse or not. It unsettled you, you didn't like it, that's enough.

You dont actually need a reason to end things.

Chloemol · 08/10/2019 20:06

Did he has done something you are not comfortable with then you need to decide if that’s a deal breaker, not go round asking old girlfriends. Does it matter what he has done in the past? It’s what he is doing now that matters, and whatever it is is ringing bells with you. So either talk to him and see if it’s a one off, or he realises what he has done and agrees it’s not right etc, or dump and move on.

I just don’t see what contacting an ex partner will achieve

picklemepopcorn · 08/10/2019 20:06

Could you repost saying 'this has happened to a friend, is it controlling?'

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:08

It doesn't matter if it's technically abuse or not. It unsettled you, you didn't like it, that's enough.

It’s certainly unsettled me but I obviously love him and in an ideal world don’t want to leave the relationship without thinking things through properly first.

OP posts:

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 20:09

Listen to your instincts. I think you already know.

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:13

Listen to your instincts. I think you already know.

I really thought this one was different. More fool me, I guess.

OP posts:

NChangeForNoReason · 08/10/2019 20:13

If u have to ask I think u know deep down it isn't right.

U may "love" him but u need to love urself more ... get out while u can.

Jayaywhynot · 08/10/2019 20:14

Get a friend to contact the ex and say shes concerned about you, then if the ex blabs it's not on you, personally if it's that bad that you need to check his past I'd be running for the hills

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 20:17

But leaving him can be carefully considered advice!

If you're so concerned you've tried CL, you've spoken to a friend, you're considering asking his ex, you've tried calling DV charities, AND you're posting here I think that you do know but just don't feel able to face it.

You need to make your own decision, not delegate to an ex who could easily have been abused but not had any support to process it and therefore might not be able to give you accurate information. Lots of people exit abusive relationships without understanding they were abused. Relying on that would be really unsafe.

Loving someone is not a reason to put up with any old crap and ignore serious concerns.

Nottheduchess · 08/10/2019 20:18

Is it a pattern of inappropriate behaviour or a one off?

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:19

I would say a one and a half off.

OP posts:

Original poster

CloudsCloudsClouds · 08/10/2019 20:21

98.5% of the time he is kind, caring, attentive, very reasonable. 1.5% of the time there has been some odd behaviour. He is sensitive and obviously has some insecurities and vulnerabilities, difficult upbringing etc. I’m not making excuses, just stating it as it is.

OP posts:

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 20:26

Op, you're not obliged to post details, but bear in mind giving out snippets means people will imagine all kinds of wildly varying things and then advise you based on that. Just be careful of how you decide what to place weight on (i.e. confirmation bias if some people start telling you what you want to hear when others imagining something different aren't ...)

Patterns of behaviour have to start somewhere. The first time a particular type of abusive behaviour emerges it will be the first time and technically a "one off"... So what was the intent? What did it achieve? If it became a recurring pattern would you have any hesitation?

A one off/first time snarking at you is less concerning. A one off/first time locking you out of the house at night is very concerning.

There is huge variation here in what you could mean and posters are going to reply on whatever they're imagining has happened once (and a half). It may not apply to what actually happened.

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 20:28

Abuse isn't about percentages. Any abuse is too much. He can be abusive without being a monster.

Would you drink something that was 98.5% orange juice and 1.5% cyanide?

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