Would this be inappropriate?

[CloudsCloudsClouds]

My boyfriend of eight months has recently behaved in a couple of ways that are ringing alarm bells for me. Otherwise it is very good. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and am not sure if I am being overly sensitive, and don’t want to end a relationship unnecessarily.

His last significant relationship ended 2-3 years ago. A friend suggested I contact her to ask if she had ever found him to be controlling and/or abusive. I’m not sure about this for a number of reasons (she might go straight to him for example, although unlikely as they no longer have contact) but from what he’s said she sounds like a nice person and may be able to help clarify things one way or another. I know they had a lot of rows, from what he has said.

Would a polite, straight to the point message be a bad idea, or reasonable? Thank you.

@quincejamplease

Yes I agree, and I think your posts make a lot of sense. Would you be happy for me to PM you the details? It’s fine if not, I don’t expect mumsnet to offer me personal therapists!

@CloudsCloudsClouds I could have posted your exact messages a few years ago.

He was vulnerable, his dad left, he never trusted anyone blah blah. I wanted to look after him and be the one to "fix" him. The abuse slowly crept in, mental for a long time then slowly turning physical, all the whole blaming how messed up his upbringing had made him.

I was so infatuated with him I ignored the red flags and I spent almost 4 years as his mental and physical punchbag.

Please follow your instincts, no matter how hard it may be. You're only 8 months in, don't let it get any deeper.

I'm happy to be PM'd if you like. I've had some experience of a horrible abusive relationship and a good one and am happy to listen x

I have a thread going about ignoring the first time he described an ex as a psycho.
Now I am the ex who is a psycho.
I think he is seeing someone else with several similarities. If I contacted her, I doubt that she would listen, but if she contacted me, I would tell her what he did.

You are 8 months in. However much it hurts, get out now. I ignored the red flags and years later am only still here because he had a no shoes on indoors policy.

Do you know any of his family? To talk to?

At 8 months anyone should be behaving 100% acceptably. This is the easy honeymoon period where you show each other your best side. If he's already letting the mask slip don't let yourself get sucked in any further.

This stood out to me
He is sensitive and obviously has some insecurities and vulnerabilities, difficult upbringing etc
This may sound like a generalisation but many men that describe themselves or are described in this may can be quite manipulative.
Whatever his behaviour was you've obviously been scared/disturbed enough to contact DV support groups. If his behaviour was too bizarre to post on an anonymous forum then I think you have your answer.
I'd listen to your instincts. You don't need anybody's permission to leave.

This may sound like a generalisation but many men that describe themselves or are described in this may can be quite manipulative.

Just to clarify: he has never described himself in this way or used this as an excuse for anything, this is simply my take on things.

Ok, that's fair comment but whatever has happened has caused you to be worried and confused. As a pp said at 8 months you should still be in the honeymoon period.
To answer your original question I don't think you'd be unreasonable to contact his ex and ask a straightforward question.
You appear to be concerned that she'll go straight back to him and that would worry you. That's another layer of worry, this is looking too much like hard work for a new relationship so perhaps it's time to walk away now

Eight months is about the time masks start slipping off, I would go now if the percentages have started creeping up

I would be delighted if a new partner of my ex contacted me (directly or through a third party) to ask what he was like, if I recognise behaviour they're experiencing etc. I'd be happy to help them and stop them from being emotionally beat up, gas-lit, stressed etc for months or years.

I don't know his ex however; is there anything in particular that makes you think she'll tell him?
As another poster has mentioned, maybe a third party would be more casual and practical than writing to her for eg.

In saying that, I agree with pp who've said that if you need to ask, you really already know. Noone should be taking their past out on someone else; get counselling if you're in that position, don't take it out on your partner. Often it's just an excuse. My severely abusive ex bil had a sob story background as well.

Apologies OP, but can you please explain what Clare’s law is?

Go with your gut. It's only going to get worse as time goes by and the novelty wears off.

@Cherrypicker01, Google it.

@CloudsCloudsClouds, Did you get in touch with her?

Just a reminder that Clare's Law will not show up certain things. It won't guarantee that he is not an abuser.