Can you forgive a cheat?

[Bluebird99]

Following on from my previous thread and the guy I was seeing going back to his cheating ex...

Do you think you can ever really forgive and forget?

No, simple as that. It will always play, like a fuddke out of tune, at the back you once head, no amount of dedication or love can fix someone who thinks that they are entitled to that little bit extra, remorse and all, if forgiven it will be a long hard road ahead with lots of difficult emotions and chapters.

Fiddle 😒

No, I don’t think it’s possible to really forgive a cheat. I think some people come to terms with it for the sake of something else that’s more important to them (children/religion/security/friendship/status/love to name a few off the top of my head), but it’s just a trade-off, leaves the relationship brittle or someone broken.

I’ve seen people suppress a lot of anger in an attempt to “move forward together” and it often affects their health in some way, from compulsive eating/drinking, depression or nervous breakdown.

I think there are some people who genuinely don’t mind/aren’t hurt by it, often they cheat themselves too. But that’s not forgiveness. And even then, the relationship eventually hollows out somewhat.

I think it depends on the circumstances. My DH had an EA then left me to start a relationship with her. However, I was drinking heavily and abusive and he was desperately unhappy. He’d tried for years to support me and help me (I had a lot of ishoos) but it just got worse. I’ve now had counselling, stopped self medicating with alcohol and gone NC with my abusive relative. I’m in a much better place and we are trying again. Ok so he shouldn’t have gone outside the marriage but he tried fir around 3 years before getting to that point. I also think that I in a way went outside the marriage by risky drinking rather than leaning on him. So I gave forgiven him and I hope he has forgiven me.

That said - if we had been happy as in no major problems, then I don’t think I could forgive.

I agree it’s different for every couple and every situation, but as a rule I agree. How can you ever really trust completely again? I know I couldn’t, I’d be torturing myself and questioning everything

I think lots of people forgive, not too sure about them forgetting.
By forgiving I mean appear to forgive in that they do not end the relationship.
I do agree about it being a trade off for lots of people though. They tolerate it/forgive/ move on etc because the benefits of staying together outweigh the consequences of splitting up.
I also think it depends on how wealthy the cheated on partner is. Harder to split if you are not earning a good income yourself. Also easier to split if you are not dependant on the cheated for childcare.

no - not ever

Far play to my DD. Her BF of 3 yeras kissed someone else, she found out and ended it there and then, He initially lied and then admitted it.
2 years on they seem to be good friends and much to his sorrow she will not give theri relationship another try.
Her moto is if he can do it once and lie-- he is able to do it again.

I’m the kind of person that never trusts anyone 100% so maybe that helps. I think everyone has it in them to be deceitful, lie, steal and/or cheat under the “right” circumstances. So many people post on here saying their partner was seen by everyone as the least likely to cheat - but they did. You can never really know what’s inside another person’s head so you can never really know them. Everyone can say they trust their partner .... until something shit happens and they don’t!

Btw I am not speaking from experience.
I would not/did not forgive and forget.
For me I would never be able to trust that person again so there would be no point in continuing.
I would rather be single than have a half hearted relationship.

nope, not at all. When the trust is gone it's gone unfortunately

Half hearted marriage here and it's never gone away. One day I hope to find the courage to walk away. The man I married is gone, he's forever hopeful we can move on I'm broken.

Not sure if you saw my other thread but it’s my fwb going back to his cheating wife. I’ve tried to explain he will never be able to trust again but it just made him back away from me more

strangely my DH is leaving me because he discovered I owned a vibrator & he's decided that means i'm cheating. I'm not & never had, it's just utterly utterly fucked up

What? That’s insane! Are you ok?!

I think that it would be extremely hard to trust someone again. Fully at least.

I’ve seen people who regained some trust over a very long (over 10 years) period of time, but that doubt would always be there.

I’m hoping he realises this before it’s too late, wether it means I get him or not, I hate the thought of him being hurt again

@FluffyCatPaw

Either your husband is using it as an excuse and leaving for a different reason...or he’s a complete weirdo.
I’m not sure he’ll find many women who don’t own one?!

@Bluebird99

The same stands for you...would you ever trust him again?

I ended a long term relationship with a cheating ex in the past, I know I 100% wouldn’t go back because I just wouldn’t be able to trust.

If you’re meaning this current guy who is going back to his ex... yes I would trust him if he came back to me because he’s never lied and always been honest with me

@Bluebird99 - thanks, no i'm not really

@DBML - this is exactly what I thought, he's gone completely nuts & stayed in a hotel last night :-(

My dh kissed a colleague. It completely broke me when he confessed. I was suicidal for the first month after discovery. I lost 2 stone in weight. I questioned my looks, my value and how he perceived me. The anger and emotions that came out of me were unreal. I was physically violent a number of times. I swore and said the nastiest things to dh, I drank a lot of alcohol. Somehow I managed to go to work daily and function. Looking back I do not know how.

Over a year later, I can go a day without thinking about it. It is not a thought when I wake and go to sleep. I am confident in my appearance. I know this was not because I am/was not enough. It was dh's failing. Took me a while to accept this and when I did it gave me a sense of freedom.

I do not think I have forgiven dh completely. There are times I wonder if I would leave if I was financially stable I.e. had money in the bank, a house somewhere. As it stands we own a tiny home which would leave us in a shit position if we were to sell and split the equity. None of us can afford to move out, pay rent elsewhere and still continue to service the home.

I do not have the pleasure of knowing I could walk away anytime. My circumstances do not allow it. I have no savings.

Dh and I laugh, hold hands, sleep together. Our relationship will never be the same. I will never look at him in the same way. This breaks him but is something he has to live with.

@Bluebird99 I'd steer clear if he backed off and went back to her.. his head must be all over the place!

Yeah he admitted his heads really messed up, I think time will be a healer for me. The longer I go without him the easier it will get I assume. I just miss him so much already

It isn’t something I would forgive, my ex had a six month affair and his behaviour didn’t change at all in that time.

The odd snog, dirty dance etc doesn’t bother me.

I will never look at him in the same way. This breaks him but is something he has to live with.

This is really sad, that someone would have to live with this level of guilt and resentment. Surely if you decide to stick together then forgiving and getting back to a place where one person doesn't feel broken should be the goal...

I appreciate he was in the wrong but... goodness.