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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you forgive a cheat?

44 replies

Bluebird99 · 08/10/2019 16:12

Following on from my previous thread and the guy I was seeing going back to his cheating ex...

Do you think you can ever really forgive and forget?

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 18:05

@FluffyCatPaw OMG what an oppressive cunt. You're allowed your own sexuality and no normal person would think having a vibrator makes you a cheat. Were there other issues?

@Bluebird99

'If you’re meaning this current guy who is going back to his ex... yes I would trust him if he came back to me because he’s never lied and always been honest with me'

Yes but he has betrayed you now, he was dishonest in his claims that his ex was in the past, and his oh-so-friendly behaviour was not the truth if he's so easily blocked you. If you took him back, you would never know if he was going to ditch you again at any moment and even block you. Someone who blocks is not a reliable friend.

I suppose you could decide to give him another go if he came back, but you would have to bear the risk of him leaving again in mind.

LFLM1 · 08/10/2019 18:13

I often wonder this but I also wonder can you ever trust another human being 100% anyway? Is it even wise to trust someone 100%?

LFLM1 · 08/10/2019 18:16

@FluffyCatPaw that's awful. He's actually very manipulative. You've done nothing wrong.

WinterRose92 · 08/10/2019 18:27

No. The trust would be gone and the thought of him with another woman is something I would never be able to get out of my head or get past.

Original poster

Bluebird99 · 08/10/2019 18:29

My thoughts exactly!! It would be in my mind all the time

OP posts:

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 08/10/2019 19:16

In some circumstances it is possible to forgive.
I don't think it's possible to forget though.

It's a bit like if you break a cup and glue it back together. If you glue it right it will hold water again and do what it did before but it is never the same thing as it was before it was broken.

Blueoasis · 08/10/2019 19:52

Even if he decides he doesn't forgive her and wants you back, don't let him. He isnt worth it.

dazzlinghaze · 08/10/2019 21:14

My ex cheated and I have now forgiven him and don't hold any feelings of resentment about it but I wasn't able to stay with him. I forgive him for what he did and don't wish him any harm but I would never trust him as a partner again.

Robin2323 · 08/10/2019 21:16

If you love someone Yes you can.

He's tried for 2 years ti forget her. It hasn't worked.

Some people should be together , others not so much.

I loved my ex for over 9 years after we split- and would have forgiven him anything (we'll not murder) if I could have got him back (luckily he didn't come back and I met dh).

So just chalk it down to experience and let him go.

The best is yet to come for you.

doesjonsnowneedadirewolf · 08/10/2019 21:49

You may forgive but forgetting is a different story.
I left my ex for cheating. He begged me to reconsider. I held firm as knew I would become a jealous suspicious miserable partner. It is my line in the sand .
A little tale. My dear neighbour and good friend forgave her husband an affair @ 5 years ago. He left her fur the other women and crawled back when it went tits up. Blamed it on his alcoholism and family issues messing him up ..
She forgave and had him back with stringent conditions and to the works they appeared ok . He did stop drinking. A few years on and they appear to be the same as before.
yet after their summer holiday she returned from holiday and has kicked him out and will file for divorce. She said to me at the weekend their relationship has been brittle and fake ever since. Part of her never went back. Chimes with many of the posters here. Good luck op

Original poster

Bluebird99 · 08/10/2019 22:21

This is what I’m trying to tell myself. I don’t want to be second choice

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 09/10/2019 02:41

Bluebird, stop feeling sorry for him.
There was clearly an overlap and he didn't care about using you.
If he gets hurt again then that's his problem.

Original poster

Bluebird99 · 09/10/2019 08:17

That’s true, and I kind of hope it doesn’t work out. I just wanted him to want me

OP posts:

BumWad · 09/10/2019 09:43

Forgive yes

Forget never

user1479305498 · 09/10/2019 10:21

I empathise with the poster who mentioned about a relationship becoming ‘brittle’ . I am sure their are odd relationships that fully recover but in my experience for the vast majority of people who do stay an element of ‘wariness/brittleness’ is present, partly to protect yourself

FluffyCatPaw · 09/10/2019 10:47

thank you all

@Interestedwoman - not really any other issues, but of a dry spell in the bedroom but we've been together a long time so normal I guess

Bluebird - I hope you are doing ok, I understand about you not wanting it to work out - I wouldn't trust him or take him back but it would be nice to be the one saying no.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 10:54

NOPE - not me anyway.
Some people can forgive though.
Some people do come through the other side.
But.... you will never fully trust that person ever again.
You will never fully 'forget'
It's impossible to do.

Original poster

Bluebird99 · 09/10/2019 11:23

Thanks so much for asking... I’m still really sad and missing him like crazy. It’s going to take some getting used to

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 09/10/2019 14:03

Bluebird, I very much doubt that it will work out. The thing is that men who are users like that will come back happily thinking they can use you again. That's why it's so important to block.

I understand your feelings, and the empathy you have for him, but I can promise you right now that that empathy you have for him will cause you a lot of trouble in the future if you don't decide now what your boundaries are and what you deserve and decide to stick to it.

You should be feeling angry at him for the overlap and stringing you along, not hoping he doesn't get hurt. Your strongest feelings here need to be about protecting yourself, because we know that he doesn't care if he hurts you or not.

Trust me, you are not the first in this position and you won't be the last, empathy has got many a woman in trouble, prolonged a lot of agony for them and allowed them to get sucked back into a mans drama!! Your situation or bond with this man isn't unique, no matter what you may feel about it or how hard that is to hear.

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