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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp being weird should I be concerned?

45 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 22:55

Dp and I have been together about 10 months. All good no issues or so I thought ...

Except the last few weeks he has been really distant and withdrawn. Tonight he has waited til he thought I was asleep and has gone downstairs and is watching TV. I have asked what's wrong and he tells me nothing.

I suffer with anxiety so not sure if I am reading more into this, but it feels off.

Distant plus leaving bed to sit watching shit in Netflix suggests to me that things are fizzing out.. Am I paranoid or would it set alarm bells off for others?

OP posts:
Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 22:56

To clarify we don't live together. He is working locally so staying over as easier than going home to drive back tomorrow

OP posts:
OrangeSwoosh · 07/10/2019 22:57

Maybe he just can't sleep?

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 23:01

Possibly, but it has been every time he has stayed for the past few weeks.

Together with him being distant just seems like there is more to it

OP posts:
luckygreeneyes · 07/10/2019 23:05

This happened to me once, he was texting someone else. What’s your gut feel?

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 23:11

Lucky - honestly I don't know. Something has changed but I don't know what, he isnt the same with me as he once was but gets weird and almost defensive when I raise it and I end up feeling in the wrong. I wouldn't go as far as to call it gaslighting yet.

I just fear he has changed his mind but hasn't had the balls to say anything. I would be devestated. I adore him but I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is more to his behavior of late and not in a good way.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2019 23:14

I do that sometimes when I can't sleep. Go downstairs, make a cuppa tea and watch TV for a while. No question of leaving dp though.

MiniPrawn · 07/10/2019 23:16

As much as you adore him, that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach is much worse than finding out the truth (whatever that may be) or even splitting up

This behaviour isn’t okay even in a 10 year marriage. At 10 months it should still be fresh. He should be wanting to spend as much time with you as possible not leaving your bed to watch Netflix

You need to tell him that you know somethings up and as much as you want to be together you’re not prepared to live on edge ridden with anxiety. So he either tells you what’s bothering him or he leaves

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 23:25

I've tried mini but he shrugs it off and just says he can't sleep. Except he is asleep on the sofa it just seems to be he can't sleep with me.

He's definitely not texting someone else, his phone is on the bedside table.

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Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 23:26

Trust your instincts because something is off. Just 10 months in, I wouldn't waste time on this bullshit.

T1gerEye · 07/10/2019 23:32

How is him being distant manifesting itself?

I think I'd sit down with him and insist he was straight with me and not take me for a fool. Clearly you've picked up on his change of behaviour so if he's not forthcoming I'd suggest he stay at his own place from tomorrow. Better than you all upset with him in your living room

You don't need this aggro

PillarOfSalt · 07/10/2019 23:34

Do you snore? Dh and I had a similar thing after about a year I got fed up of pretending to sleep next to him as I was bloody exhausted the whole time. He thought I was off messaging other people but I just slept on the sofa so I wasn’t kept up all night listening to him oinking.

Tbh it would set off alarm bells for me if he wouldn’t discuss it. I’ve been in relationships before with a man who refused to discuss things he didn’t want to and sulked if I confronted him. I ended up tip toeing around him to avoid his moods or saying the wrong thing. It’s no way to live, always doubting yourself and wondering what you’ve done wrong. I think you need a proper sit down and ask for an explanation. If he insists it’s nothing then ask him why his behaviour has changed and let him know that it’s not something that you’ll put up with. It’s so easy to sleep walk into gaslighting relationships.

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 23:37

I don't usually snore but have had a cold so it could be but why not discuss it?

And defensive as in Denys it all, acts like I am nuts, that he has no idea what I am talking about. Then gets frustrated that i am. Questioning things.

It doesnt paint a great picture when I write it down to be honest.

I think I need to do as suggested and have it out with him once and for all... I am not sure I am going to like the end result however.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 07/10/2019 23:43

“Trust your instincts because something is off. Just 10 months in, I wouldn't waste time on this bullshit.“

Hmm

Could he be depressed?

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 23:56

Overnight - it's possible. He has been stressed with work lately. He is a senior manager where he works, reports to a director, very important role etc. He isn't tge sort to acknowledge it though.

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overnightangel · 08/10/2019 00:13

Depression was my original thought. That was me when I was off work with it, sleep in the day and couldn’t sleep at night up all night watching tv as I couldn’t relax my
Kind enough to get to sleep on a night. Lying in bed when you can’t sleep is the worst thing for insomnia. If he’s not the sort to want to talk about it or admit to it and has work stresses, then it seems to point to that

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 08/10/2019 00:27

Is he a Spurs fan?

TheStoic · 08/10/2019 09:20

Do you have sex first, before he goes downstairs? Or is that off the cards too?

T1gerEye · 08/10/2019 11:28

Christ - PLEASE don't trot out the old depression card. Next it'll be the ' is he autistic?' brigade

Depression or no depression, stop letting him treat you like an idiot in your own home. Moving around like a surly 15 year old. Being distant. Sitting up late watching Netflix or whatever (and you know what, that's FINE with an explanation but coupled with him being all moody with you it isn't)

I wouldn't ' have it out' with him. Just be factual and form and for god sake, tell him to GO HOME and be distant on his own

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 12:41

Have told him we need a conversation.

I am sure I am just overthinking it all.

What's a spurs fan got to do with it?

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 08/10/2019 12:46

I think it was a jokey comment - Most spurs fans will be feeling depressed at the moment - they've not been doing well of late Grin

Mermaidsinthesand · 08/10/2019 12:54

Going to watch porn?

Mintjulia · 08/10/2019 13:06

If he isn’t on his phone, that sounds like stress/ depression/ can’t sleep and doesn’t want to keep you awake.

It there something specific going on at his work? Redundancies? End of year coming up and way off target?

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 13:08

I think I need to do as suggested and have it out with him once and for all... I am not sure I am going to like the end result however.

Yes, you must get to the bottom of it.

He could well be anxious about something, maybe at work, so don't think the worst. However if he is going off the idea of being your boyfriend, better you find out now than later.

You could suggest he doesn't stay the night, just see him in the evening. You're not obligated to have him stay all the time.

NChangeForNoReason · 08/10/2019 13:25

To clarify we don't live together. He is working locally so staying over as easier than going home to drive back tomorrow

Perhaps it's fizzing out but he likes the free accommodation as it's easier for him. Perhaps suggest ur busy so he can't stop over a few times and see what the reaction is Hmm

Original poster
Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 13:34

Rachel I do think it's work, he's very senior at work and has had a particularly rough few weeks. I just wish he would say something rather than pulling away.

I am first girlfriend since his fiancée nad baby were killed about 15 years ago so I think part of it is that he just isn't used to being part of a team. But my ex husband went like this before we split and I am still certain he was cheating. I know dp would never cheat but I am worried there is more to his behaviour

OP posts: