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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp being weird should I be concerned?

45 replies

Silentlysinking101 · 07/10/2019 22:55

Dp and I have been together about 10 months. All good no issues or so I thought ...

Except the last few weeks he has been really distant and withdrawn. Tonight he has waited til he thought I was asleep and has gone downstairs and is watching TV. I have asked what's wrong and he tells me nothing.

I suffer with anxiety so not sure if I am reading more into this, but it feels off.

Distant plus leaving bed to sit watching shit in Netflix suggests to me that things are fizzing out.. Am I paranoid or would it set alarm bells off for others?

OP posts:
Mermaidsinthesand · 08/10/2019 13:41

I am first girlfriend since his fiancée nad baby were killed about 15 years ago so I think part of it is that he just isn't used to being part of a team

He may be experiencing guilt? Perfectly natural too

Just because your ex husband did this doesn't mean to say he will.

Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 13:58

I don't follow football so that was lost sorry!

OP posts:
Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 14:00

Mermaids - I know, but I guess when you see tell tale signs and odd out of character behaviour its easy to jump to conclusions.

I am hoping we can talk this evening and get to the bottom of it all because I hate the anxious feeling and the worry.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2019 14:11

Is he a Spurs fan?
That made me LOL. Although their results are making me want to cry Grin

OP - you feel as if something is off.
So something probably is.
I would sit him down and tell him what you have told us.
You KNOW it's not right. No matter what he says to try to back-track, SOMETHING is off and you want an explanation or this is just over as you can't be doing with the headfuck any longer!

DelphicOracle · 08/10/2019 14:22

I wouldnt "sit him down and tell him he needs to talk to you at all". At the end of the day youve been with this man, not even a year.

You dont have children together, joint finances, mortgage, you dont even live together. He has every right to keep his worries / stress / guilt / insomnia - whatever to him self if he wants.

I would however say something like - " I feel like you are pulling away from me. I appreciate you might have something on your mind - and I am here to talk to you if you want. If you dont want to talk, thats also fine, but because of my last relationship , this wall of distance is triggering for me". And then I would explain I think taking the pressure off would be a good idea and maybe some space would be good.

Thats to say if he is very worried about work, or guilt over his partner and baby dying (which is horrific - poor man), the kindest thing to do is let him know its OK for him to pull back, in his own environment, and dont pressure him into feeling he has to deal with this ontop of everything else.

That isnt letting him get away with bad behaviour - its honouring that he is his own person who needs to choose to let you in.

pusspuss9 · 08/10/2019 14:34

well put Delphic Oracle.

NameChangeNugget · 08/10/2019 15:44

Honestly, the amateur diagnosis brigade are out in force. Bloody hell Confused

Ask him, I got up last night for an hour as I couldn’t sleep and watched Netflix.

I wasn’t watching porn, I’m not autistic or depressed either, for the love of God

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/10/2019 15:49

gets weird and almost defensive when I raise it and I end up feeling in the wrong....And defensive as in Denys it all, acts like I am nuts, that he has no idea what I am talking about. Then gets frustrated that i am. Questioning things........ I wouldn't go as far as to call it gaslighting yet

Actually, what he's doing IS a form of gaslighting - he's making you doubt yourself and telling you that the reality you are experiencing isn't real.

I think he's gone off you but doesn't want to end it just yet cos you provide free and convenient accommodation for him.
He's using you for his own ends.

Tell him her can no longer stay at yours overnight and needs to go home after work....then watch how quickly he ends things.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 08/10/2019 15:54

I think it's kind of nice he comes up to bed with you and then waits until he thinks you're asleep to go back to watching Netflix so you still get that nice going to bed together time.

However, it's your relationship and your gut feeling, and gut feelings are very rarely wrong! Hope everything works out okay

Sarahlou63 · 08/10/2019 16:03

This thread made me go in search of this...

Dp being weird should I be concerned?
DelphicOracle · 08/10/2019 16:12

Sarahlou63 Grin

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 08/10/2019 16:17

@Sarahlou63 😂😂

SnappedandFartedagain · 08/10/2019 16:21

Are you sure it's not just because you go to bed ridiculously early? In your OP by 22.55 he'd already waited for you to go to sleep and then gone downstairs - what time did you go to bed?! I couldn't sleep at that time. Maybe he goes to bed later when he's at home.

Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 17:03

He's usually in bed and asleep by about 830 (or so he says) at home and going to bed early is usually his prompt.

Part of me thinks I am just over thinking it and then I replay stuff and think actually it's maybe not just me over reacting.

I think He had the hump because he wanted to go out for dinner and I asked that we stayed in, I've not been well, am shattered all the time, and skint. He earns 3 times my salary and I hate that he always pays, although in fairness I always pay the food and alcohol at home so I guess it evens out. He sees it as treating me, but he doesn't have to worry about money. He lives very modestly as far as his house goes, car is company one, he has a very expensive motorbike but never uses it, has a small 2 bed house he bought when he was 20 so virtually mortgage free, no kids/family so no outgoings really. I earn 18k have a mortgage, a 6 year old. An ex who thankfully pays maintenance (when I chase him) and happily pays out half for dancing and school trips etc. But it is still very tight. I have only had the house 3 months and with Christmas coming up I am stressed to hell about how I am gonna afford it so I probably have done his head in a bit with it all.

Dd is being particularly challenging at the moment, she is on chemo for over a active immune system so I am always stressed about who she has been near, is she well etc. And lately she has been very upset for no reason she is saying. She told me the other day she feels like crying but she doesn't know why. It hit me harder than I thought and I was trying to explain that I feel like a shit mum because I hadn't noticed she was sad, because she plays me and her dad off against each other and he spends money on the latest big toy (lol this week) and I can't keep up. Dp has bought her the camper thing for Xmas from us both but refuses to take half from me which I know u should be grateful for but at the nome t it is just smacking of the disparity and making me feel like I am failing her. He thinks I am ridiculous and however I try and explain it I end up pissing him off.

He is annoyingly black and white about life and I know my need to have answers and things to be "equal" annoys the hell out of him.

His Dd died when she was 6 months old, and I make so many allowances for the fact he may feel awkward, upset, guilty that he is moving on etc. And I know he will never get over it, and I have never forced him tk talk to me. But I do think I deserve a explanation of his behaviour, even if it is he is having a shit time at work, feeling crap about his fiancee and baby etc. Hut doesn't want to discuss further. At least I would know.

It is just driving me demented stressing about all the possibilities. It is triggering my anxiety badly and he knows that but can't /won't see that his behaviour is thw reason.

I don't want to walk away but I am wondering if it is better all round.

I may suggest that maybe he needs some space to deal with whatever is going on and to ring me when he is feeling in a better place and we can see what happens. But I am more than a little terrified that he won't ring me ever again.

How did I get so fricking pathetic!!

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 08/10/2019 17:09

Based on your last update I'd be dumping him and focusing only on DD.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/10/2019 17:35

He's minimising and dismissing your feelings and boundaries. He is gaslighting you. Your dd needs your full attention, don't let this man take your attention away from her. Get rid. You and your dd don't need his negativity and angst inducing presence in your lives. You might find your dd improves without him around. Kids are very perceptive.

PillarOfSalt · 08/10/2019 19:54

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 20:15

Sorry, my house has no phone signal so went out to call him.

So I appreciate your comments re Dd and him gaslighting. I will keep an eye on it, but I genuinely don't think he is. He just has a very black and white view of life. The trauma he suffered means he has a live in the moment attitude, doesn't dwell. Things happen and you move on. It's not that he minimises it's just that he doesn't get how anxiety works. Actually he has been very good for me and very grounding.

We have spoken, he wasn't feeling well, had a bit of an upset tummy and is super stressed and pissed off with something at work. He was having wind issues and didn't want to wake me up or embarrass himself so came downstairs to be nearer the bathroom (victorian house).

He has taken on board what I have said about being distant and withdrawn and triggering my anxiety. He has apologised and admitted he was in a foul mood and was just grumpy last night. He agrees he should have just said something rather than act like a knob.

It has cleared the air, he never tried to minimise or dismiss me (huge improvement) and actually he was genuinely lovely.

I am glad I vented in here and not at him!

Thanks for everyone's input, I do appreciate it... Even if the spurs thing was lost on me 😂

OP posts:
PillarOfSalt · 08/10/2019 20:24

Well that all sounds pretty positive silently. I don’t think I’ve ever had a partner who would go out of the room to fart so consider yourself lucky.

Silentlysinking101 · 08/10/2019 20:48

Pillar me either! He's exceptionally proud and would never just let rip. He finds dd's humour over all hings fart related a bit odd.

I think I just let my head run away last night! He is a lovely guy, adores Dd etc. He just has literally had no one in his life for so long he hasn't adjusted to having someone who cares or needing to explain himself.

He's an only child, dad walked out when he was 5 and never seen again, mum diagnosed with cancer just before his Dd was born and once her and fiancee killed she just gave up. Stopped all treatment and died 18 months later. He unravelled completely. Lost friends and shut off from everyone. He got into a rut of he can't lose the people he loves if they aren't there to start with.

We met at work after Exdp and I had formally split. We had long since been over but in that we know we are over but still living in same house although not sharing a bed and hadn't for 2 years. I was in the verge of a breakdown and moved out leaving Dd with her dad til I got settled with somewhere to live (parents own a second home so was only a week while I set it up for her). About 3 months later new dp was helping with a project I was working on. I joked I owed him a drink, he called me on it. We went out with work people, hit it off and started chatting and then started dating in January. I am literally the first person he has dated since, so I think it is all new and scary for him. He is frightened of losing me and then shuts down rather than open up in case he scares me off. He hasn't quite figured out that by shutting down he triggers every one of my anxieties and fears and scares me off that way!

We are a work in progress!

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