Narcissist...need strength!

[sallynoballs]

Ok so I posted on here about a week ago thinking maybe I was the toxic one!

But from what some ladies replied it's not me it's him as he's cheated many times and someone suggested I should look up narcissists, gaslighting and trauma bonding....and OMG I can relate to it all, it really describes my relationship down to a T.

So this morning I finally found the courage again to end things....this isn't the first time probably about the 13th this year.

So I really need help staying away and not giving into him. I need out so I can finally be happy again!

Please can you all share your stories on narcissists if any of you have any?

He's saying how can I say that I loved him when I'm doing this to him....he loves me and he could never end things with me because he loves me 🤦🏻‍♀️

Delete and block. He can’t “say” anything to you if you have no contact. He can’t get in your head if you have no contact. Don’t view his FB/Twitter/insta etc. He does not exist for now.
Then find some local support to help you look at your relationship boundaries and your general well-being mentally to see if you could perhaps benefit from talking to someone about accepting less than optimal treatment in relationships. Or get a self help book (I’m not being rude- genuine suggestion)
All the best to you- you deserve to be happy and respected and loved.

Yes I agree. There is no reasoning with narcs.

NC is the only way.

Enjoy your peace and freedom OP!

I have blocked him before and he just turns up and goes mad so I'm trying a different approach in hope he accepts my decision. Is that naive?

So far tho he has messaged me about it and said he isn't going to fight this time and I haven't heard from him for a while....so this is a good sign

What do you mean by ‘goes mad?’ If he’s being threatening then contact WA and the police. Do this preemptively so there’s a paper trail. It’s much quicker and easier to get things moving if you’re proactive.

His textbook response about how could you do this to him if you love him is typical narc talk. If he loved you then he wouldn’t treat you the way he does. It goes both ways.

Block him on all platforms and if he starts call the law. Expect the suicide talk any time soon as well. My narc ex did that, and he’s still very much alive despite me leaving him and not entertaining any of it.

The only way I could disengage from my narc ex was to keep all communication official and through my solicitor. We are still divorcing and I don’t respond to any direct communication.

Call WA, they can advise. Call the police and speak to them of your concerns, they will also advise, and if you’re at risk they’ll put a flag on your address. If the worst comes to the worst there is a charity called DV Assist. They can help you get emergency Non-Mol Orders. They’re very helpful and their service is free.

Good luck. Keep everything belt and braces and you’ll reduce the risk of being hoovered. Show him immediately that you won’t take any shit.

Oh, and do the Freedom Programme. It will help you unpick what’s happening. The online course £12, and they’ll run various classroom based courses in your area.

In my experience it’s essential to get one step ahead. If you block his avenues before he tries them then he might just get bored. If he doesn’t and continues to be a pain then the relevant agencies are already in place to deal with him.

Even if he’s being good atm, call WA and the police. If he’s got form then it’s not a realistic expectation that he’ll play nice this time. Even if you never need any practical help from them, better to have it in place and not need it than to find the earth tilting again and having to sort it all out then. These bastards are weapons grade head fucker uperers, and keeping you off balance is always their intention.

No he's not violent to me....it's to himself. I mean when he goes mad as in he sits outside my house, turns up at places he knows I'll be to be able to see me and talk.

Last time I blocked him he did this until he finally caught me on my way to work and managed to work his way round me again. I'm too weak that's the problem and I just feel calling the police on him is abit extreme and I don't want to waste there time.

I just need to be strong this time and not engage or give in

I have never broken up with anyone before really....

Is fighting for your relationship not normal?

Sitting outside people's homes, turning up at places they know they'll will be, being violent to oneself is not normal, sounds stalkerish and weird to me.

Fair enough if you've blocked him on all social media and he really wanted to discuss/talk, a letter through the door or a visit isn't too crazy. If it's a calm, rational exchange and they leave when you ask, that's fine.

Repeatedly doing it once you've told him you're not interested is not respecting your boundaries. It's like he won't take no for an answer or based on past behaviour, knows he can grind you down until you relent and take him back.

Do not engage with him whatsoever.

The whole "I'm not going to fight for you" is a classic narc tactic. A withdrawal of his contact, and because you are trauma bonded to him it often results in you craving their attention and reaching out to them because they aren't desperately chasing and harassing you. Don't fall for it or be tempted, just enjoy the peace of it while it lasts.

Have it impossible for him to contact you by phone or any form of social media, and make sure you have it so you can't look at anything of his so you aren't tempted to check up on him.

If he appears in person, Grey Rock, minimal reaction or verbal response, advise you will contact police if he continues to harass you, get away from him.

Block contact, report him for stalking if he keeps showing up.

My ex decided I "didn't really love him because I started seeing someone else" after we split up and the reasons I'd given for breaking up with him were "disagreements"

A month with no contact and I'm realising how bad he was throughout the relationship.

No, following people around, turning up unannounced and sitting outside their house is not normal, in fact it has a different name, its name is harassment. He is harassing you until you give in and not taking no for an answer. He is not allowing you to exit the relationship, which you presumably are leaving because of his behaviour towards you.

OP this is exactly what the police are there for. Harassment is a crime, and it’s a massive indicator of something much worse.

He’s not going to die without you. I’m guessing from your PP that he’s already done the self harm and suicide threats? It’s textbook, trust me, it’s like they all go to the same finishing school. He will not kill himself over you, he’s far to important for that, remember?

The bottom line is you want to exit the relationship. He might not like that but he doe not have the right to follow you around and harass you until he gets what he wants. He’s clearly done an excellent job of convincing you that his wants come before your needs, his want to have you there vs your need to be safe, secure and cared for, but this is not the case. Nobody is obliged to remain in a relationship they don’t want to be in, and nobody has the right to harass you into staying.

You already know how hard it is to get free of him, so this time do it by the book. Otherwise you’ll go round and round in circles always ending up back at him. Just because he thinks he is the centre of the universe, doesn’t make it so.

He's harassing you and stalking you

It's not acceptable or "normal" to behave the way he is.

Are you very young?

Thankyou guys!

I'm just still learning about narcissists and can't believe what they do. I just can't believe half of it. But it all fits which is so scary.

No I'm not that young...I'm 29. But broke up with my ex husband and even tho we were together a long time he didn't go to half the lengths this guy is so I guess that answers my question.
But to me I just thought it ment this guy loved me more than my ex husband....but I'm guessing I'm very wrong!

Yea I have had suicide threats but that was way back in February and I took him back Cos of it.

I think now he tries so hard as he knows I always give in.

Not this time!! I need out!

How soon shall I start the freedom project?

You need to deprogramme your thinking about how people behave when they respect you. Harassing you and stalking are not signs of love, they are warning signs of control and a lack of respect. He’s not fighting for the relationship, he’s getting high on his control over you. Ask yourself if love means controlling someone like they’re a robot that is only allowed to do what they’re told? No? Then keep telling yourself that until it sticks in your brain. Good luck, be strong

I was married to a narcissist for 18 years and he whittled me down to a person who has lost her identity. He used every abusive tactic on me, emotional, physical, financial and psychological abuse on me and the children.
Mine is a long complicated story, but suffice to say he was having affairs with other women throughout our marriage. He is with a woman now who is as big a narcissist as him. She has money, and status all of which he craved. They seem to be getting on great together, flash holidays that we never had, flash cars, clothes , houses etc, etc. They are great supply for eachother. He still tries to triangulate with me!
He treated me like shit, and because we had a seriously ill child, I ended up staying with him.
I went through Women's Aid last year and I realised just how much abuse myself and the children have been through.
Your brain literally becomes addicted to them like a drug and you literally have to detox from them.
They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in and then you become trauma bonded to them.
Definitely go NC, if you have children , it's grey rock.LC.
I no longer trust anybody and I could never see myself dating again.
I have chronic illnesses and auto immune diseases that i am sure have been brought on by the stress of being married to a narcissist.
The thing was, I married my father (not literally, Lol), he was the joker, the life and soul of the party infront of an audience, but on his own at home, he was angry, aggressive and abusive, just like my dad and thats why it was so familiar to me. And when he put me down and called me worthless, and that nobody would ever want me,that i was fat, lazy, ugly and stupid, i had heard it all before from my parents. It was all totally familiar.
I would rather be on my own than controlled by a narcissist.
Good luck!

If you have been researching narcissist then surely you know by now that no contact is the ONLY thing to do. If he does turn up at your house, give him one warning that you will ring the police if he doesn't stop it. Hopefully that will be enough to make him back off. Engaging with him in any way is not going to work out well for you. No contact whatsoever is the only way he will get sick and go away.

@lexiepuppy I'm glad you got out and your happier on your own.
I hope to be like that soon!

Yes I have read that no contact is the only way so that's what I'm doing.
Just so hard.
But so far it seems to be working....

Just still gutted that everything I was hoping for with him was all lies 🤦🏻‍♀️

My ex was a pathological liar and still is.
Stay strong, being in a relationship with a narcissist is not like a regular relationship, narcissists are not wired properly!
They malfunction.

Yes sometimes I think he believes his own lies!
I catch him out and he lies and lies some more 🤦🏻‍♀️

Okay. I'm struggling today 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why do I find it harder when he's not trying to get hold of me ☹️

It's all part of the trauma bond.
It literally gives you similar withdrawal symptoms to a drug addict going cold turkey. Your brain chemicals and how they react to the trauma have been changed. You have to fight through it to get to the other side.

He’s trained you to run after him, crave his attention. He withdraws it to punish you knowing full well that you’ll chase him. He won’t leave you alone for long.

Please do the things I suggested further up thread. Contact WA and the police. he’s letting you stew for now but if that doesn’t bring you back running he’ll try something else. Please seek support and don’t leave yourself open to it. These men are predictable, and in a week you’ll see exactly what we mean, in which time you’ll have lost your head space and be in danger of the whole vicious circle starting again.

Don’t let him get away with harassing you. Even if you can manage to escape his clutches he’ll be doing it to another woman again as soon as he can get his claws into one. Stalking and harassment are indicators of serious DV, and potential homicide. Men who behave like this need to be on the radar of police, because they’re likely to escalate their behaviour, if not towards you then towards another woman. It doesn’t benefit society for their behaviour to be kept a secret. Domestic violence and abuse thrives on secrecy.

Please read this article. You’re already definitely at number 6. You might not know about his relationship history and he probably hasn’t been truthful, but if he’s done this to you then it’s likely you’re not the first. Whether you think he’s capable of killing you is bye the by really, because you don’t want to find out.

www.bbc.com/news/uk-49481998

God this really sucks!

Everything reminds me of him 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have emailed that freedom project. I'll look into woman's aid.

Just hope things get better soon ☹️