DH inappropriate close friendship, lack of intimacy and moving forward

[thegingerbreadlady]

Basically this is quite a common situation I think - we've been married 12 years and have 3 young children, both work full time, not have sex much.
DH has developed a close friendship with someone at work that I feel has become totally inappropriate while he maintains they "haven't crossed any red lines".

I realise that the friendship is a symptom rather than a cause of our problems though - ultimately DH wants intimacy with someone and I don't want it with him.

I do love him though - we have a lovely family life together, he's a great parent and partner and I don't think either of us want to lose that but he feels rejected and I'm a bit bored.

I'm not sure where we go on from here though? When we initially had a big confrontation about the friendship and our marriage I kind of resolved to try harder at the romantic/sexual side of things, date nights and more sex. But actually I don't really want that

Is it possible to maintain the partnership and parenting side of our relationship but separate from the romantic/sexual element? I'm not sure if it's open marriage I'm thinking of exactly but in lots of ways we are really good housemates who are raising happy children together so if he/we want to find intimacy somewhere else then could that work?

I'd particularly love to hear from anyone who has managed to separate from a romantic relationship but continue as a family?

Regardless, it doesn't sound like he wants that.

If my husband was suggesting a sexless marriage in favour of parenting I'd feel awfully rejected/unhappy/ unloved.

I understand you're busy with the little ones but most happy marriage have that closeness that only a man and woman can have.

Have you always felt like this ?
Even before the kids ?

That’s a low bar for a relationship and not a healthy environment for children.

If he falls in love with someone else he will leave. If you want to wait for that to happen then carry on as ye are. If you don’t then separate and co parent as friends.

I think you need to look at why you don't want to be intimate with him any longer. I suppose you used to enjoy sex with him? What changed?

I also think you deserve far more than a partnership where he's allowed to shag other people....just so you can continue to be married.

It's a very unhealthy set up...what you propose.

No - I think if you don't want to try to rekindle your marriage as a fully functional relationship (including sex and intimacy) and he does then you have a critical difference in opinion.

I think you should split up if you no longer want to be his romantic partner. However perhaps you should ask him if he'd want that...

What you are proposing wouldn’t work for many.

You and he need to be apart. You do not want to be intimate with him any longer and he is conducting an emotional affair in front of your very eyes. Two wrongs here do not make a right; it just makes two wrongs.

What you are proposing is not workable nor is it a good model of a relationship for your children to potentially emulate as adults. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. These children cannot and should not be used as glue here to bind you and he together; are you both merely together now because of them?. If so think again.

He may well be open to an open relationship if that’s what you are proposing.

I think a lot of affairs happen like this. Two people who eventually want fundamental things from each other but still wish to maintain their parenting/financial/home life. I know men who are having affairs who truly do love their wives but who seek sex and intimacy outside of their relationship as it is no longer an option at home.

When you say ‘not much sex’ do you mean you’ve gone from every day to once a week or every week to twice a year!? Also how often would you both want to?

I can’t see how him finding intimacy elsewhere could work, even with your go ahead - ultimately he’d be closer to another woman than you (literally), if they had fun, sex, got on well & had a laugh then why would he live with you not her & have that all the time? What would stop them falling in love?

If you get on well as friends & you co-parent well it sounds like a good basis for a healthy & amicable split where your kids get to grow up with two happy parents not a weird set up with Dad off shagging the OW (& what kind of woman would that be if she was happy with that set up!? Surely better if she were one with self respect in a normal, equal relationship with a future than someone willing to be his secret but on the side purely to satisfy his sexual needs whilst he plays platonic happy families at home!).

Ginger, give or take a few details I could have written your post. I had a long talk with my dp yesterday and we are talking about separating. I'm scared of losing my family, my home and of my future not being what I expected. I do love him and he loves me, but intimacy is a big part of a relationship and I really don't want that with him for some reason. I completely empathise with the idea of wanting a housemate/child raising situation, but I don't think it is healthy for the reasons others have said. Also I don't think your dh is likely to agree to it, but you'd need to speak to him about that.

My dp and I aren't rushing into a separation, partly due to health issues I have, but we also haven't ruled out the idea that we might make things work in the meantime (though I think that's unlikely for me), or that time living apart if it happens, might bring us back together (this one I don't know, maybe it could happen).

You don't want to be intimate with him and he clearly doesn't want a sexless relationship. Unless you can square that circle he'll either end up having a physical affair or you will. Either both really commit to saving your marriage or separate. It sounds like you aren't really interested in committing tbh.

ultimately DH wants intimacy with someone and I don't want it with him.... he feels rejected and I'm a bit bored.... I kind of resolved to try harder at the romantic/sexual side of things, date nights and more sex. But actually I don't really want that

You don't love him and you don't want him as a romantic partner.
Stop stringing him along.
You're better off divorcing and parenting amicably.

what kind of woman would that be if she was happy with that set up!? Surely better if she were one with self respect in a normal, equal relationship with a future than someone willing to be his secret but on the side purely to satisfy his sexual needs whilst he plays platonic happy families at home!)

Not that unusual and not necessarily a “kind of woman”. The fun, sex and intimacy but without all the downsides of a relationship. Maybe she isn’t bothered about him sharing his day to day life with another woman?

Well these are some puritanical and traditionalist opinions, aren't they! Just because something doesn't work for many doesn't mean it can't work for you. The key here is understanding if your husband would want this set-up: if you'd be down for an open marriage but he wants an exclusive relationship (either with you or someone else, but exclusive) then yes, you're in trouble. But if he's happy with this set up (as are you)- where exactly is the problem?

There is nothing inherently wrong or 'unhealthy' with what you're proposing. I hate situations when people have the nerve and openness to talk about these topics and an open marriage or ethical non-monogamy as a possible solution, and everyone jumps on them claiming how unnatural, unusual, blah blah blah other nonsense it is. As if this don't happen every day. News flash- people have sex with people other than their primary partner ALL THE TIME. Except they do it in secret and it's called cheating. Why can't we try to entertain and ponder the fact that sometimes our sexual feelings for our partners change but the other stuff (family and partnership) are worth holding on to? Why can't we allow people to separate these things in a way that works for them? This idea that romantic/sexual love HAS TO be a part of functioning families and no other set up is allowed to exist is why there are so many divorced/split/estranged couples. Why don't we actually see what's in front of our eyes which is that monogamy and sexual exclusivity doesn't actually seem to be working for a ton of people, and there's nothing wrong with trying to seek alternatives that work for you and your partner without imploding the rest of your life.

Good on you OP for daring to find avenues forward that work for you not the narrow-minded mob. Me and my spouse have been having similar conversations lately about opening up our relationship sexually in the near future and hey, I'm the most happily married person I know.

In my view open relationships and like need to come from a place of strength and trust in the primary relationship. Relationships in crisis are neither strong or endowed with great reserves of trust. I couldn't give a monkeys how people go about their sex lives as long as it is consensual, but the idea that an open relationship will help a struggling marriage is something I'm deeply sceptical about.

@Sionna47

I think the issue isnt that the OP wants an open relationship. In fact I dont think the OP wants that at all. I think she wants or DP not to want sex either.

Which is why it wont work.

If OP can genuinely be ok with him having sex elsewhere then that's a good starting point.

OP, I get the feeling that at the minute you are more ok with the thought of him having sex that wont lead anywhere, rather than persuing this woman at work, which has more chance of developing a relationship and him leaving you?

I don't want to split up, and I don't think he does either.

I do recognise there's a risk that one or both of us will meet someone else and want to move on with them, but I think we can tackle that when it happens rather than disrupt our dc now in case in happens later.

I was in an almost identical situation, down to him getting close to someone at work and me not wanting sex with him. I offered him the chance at an open marriage. He was not up for that and wanted to cling on to our bad marriage.

We split later that year. I couldn't keep going knowing I didn't love him or want him near me. I did have my head turned which was the turning point I needed to end it for good after lots of discussions where it was very clear where I was at.

Afterwards I found evidence that showed he wasn't quite as honest as he made out and I can't work out why he was so horrified at the idea of an open marriage when he clearly had something going on.

It won't work OP. Better to just end it tbh.

I've been there, in fact still am.

Realised after a conversation to try harder with our marriage and intimacy that I did want more sex, just not with him.

Its got to the point I don't sleep with him at all, but we have an good friendship and children and life.

But it's coming unstuck. I'm having an affair and all fhe intimacy and desire is in that relationship and rather than it just being a side order to go with the main course, I now want that as my main life.

I suspect you, as I have, will realise half of a life isn't enough.

@Sionna47, couldn’t agree more

Affairs are so very fairly as black and white as they are made out to be “cheating man/whore other woman”

How do you know about his friendship with his colleague? Has he been open or did you discover messages, tweets etc? If he’s been honest maybe it was his way of alerting you to your problems? I think you both need a good talk. I really hope you find a way to reconnect together. I would hate for you to just carry on without your issues resolved xxx

I couldn't not respond. I was trapped in a marriage with no intimacy for five years. Despite that we adored our mutual dc, rubbed along pretty nicely on the whole, and neither of us really wanted to change the situation. I posed this arrangement to my exh as a solution, but unfortunately he was horrified. He was a lot less open minded than you, and I guess depriving me of intimacy was a weapon for him. I actually applaud you on being so well rounded in your thinking. Forget all the reasons why this thought process started, but be truly truly honest with yourself about whether or not you could cope with the reality of the decision. Because you can't change your mind after the decision is made.

The fact people are responding so negatively is a reflection on them and their relationships, not you and what's important to you. I would have happily allowed it. But I was the deprived one

@Elmer83 I knew he was becoming very friendly with this woman and me and the kids teased him about his 'girlfriend' but I became more concerned and when I read their private messages to each other I realised how far from innocent/platonic it was (though DH promises nothing physical ever happened - she is also married).

Thanks for everyone's experiences. I do love him and of course love our children and life together but I also want excitement and desire and I don't think it's here anymore.

We haven't talked properly about it but my feeling is he would definitely be willing to give open relationship/non-monogamy a go.

The ideal thing would be for you to both attend counselling and see if you can find the spark again. Long marriages don't just happen...they need work on both sides.