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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clingy mum

41 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 09:38

Have posted about my mum before - dad died 5 years ago and since then she's made no real effort to build a social life for herself and relies on myself and my brother to 'entertain' her on a weekend. She lives about a 20 minute drive away from me. In the early days when she was on her own I used to have her come over for dinner on a weekend sometimes and stay in our spare room so that she could have a couple of glasses of wine. Thought it was a nice thing to do. Then my other half and his kids moved in and we no longer had a spare room so it was a good excuse to stop doing it (still have her over for meals, she just doesn't stay).

Now eldest stepson has gone to Uni and we have moved youngest into his room, we have a spare room again. Was talking about getting a new bed for it and having it as a proper spare room again (of course, stepson will sleep in there if he visits from Uni). But my mum has started referring to it as 'her room' and I feel like there's an expectation there for us to go back to her coming to stay at weekends which I don't really want. How do I tell her this in a nice way? Feel like I can't invite her over for a meal any more without her expecting to be a full weekend guest.

OP posts:

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 09:47

Is it really so bad having your mum there?
It's only one night a week

I think u can make plenty excuses for her not to stay and maybe just limit it to once a month or something if u want to

U could also go to hers and have a meal there then come home at the end

Or get her out doing something she's interested in and go with her see if u can help her get a social life back

Footle · 07/10/2019 09:53

Good grief, how is it the daughter's responsibility to provide her mother with a social life?

Babdoc · 07/10/2019 09:56

What was her social life like before she was widowed? Why not encourage her to go out with her previous friends or pick up her old hobbies and interests again?
Get her a prospectus for U3A or any local night classes, suggest she joins a walking or book group, accompany her to a service at her local church, anything to get her involved in life again where she can build contacts outside of her immediate family. Once she has a full and interesting life, she won’t be so dependent on you for company and entertainment.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 09:59

Her social life revolved around my dad really, and now she does stuff in the week with her sisters-in-law but they still have their husbands and are doing family stuff on a weekend. She deliberately leaves her weekends free and there's just this pressure to do something all the time. Of course I want to see my mum but I work full time in a very busy job and sometimes I just want a weekend to myself with no expectation.

We have tried to encourage her to do other stuff but it doesn't work. She also expects to come on holiday with us although we have said that next year will be the last time as our kids are growing up and won't be coming with us for much longer so it will just be my & my other half for holidays and it has to stop somewhere.

OP posts:

KellyHall · 07/10/2019 10:00

Why don't you invite her less frequently and have her stay over? Or take a meal to her house so you can leave a reasonable amount of time after eating?

If you have a good relationship with your mum, I do hope you can meet in the middle somehow.

When you were growing up and struggling with friends, was your mum there for you? Older people suffer terribly with loneliness, maybe she'd genuinely rather spend time with you than anyone else. Isn't that part of being a family?

SunshineAngel · 07/10/2019 10:06

I know how this feels, though not entirely the same situation because my parents split rather than one of them dying. But even so, it's left BOTH of them with very little to do at weekends, and they both try to lean on my brother and I for plans.

They want to meet up and do things all the time, if my mum gets a day off in the week she's texting asking me to come for lunch (I WFH but I'm busy during normal working hours so cannot drop everything, as much as she might think it's not a real job), sulking when I can't, and then at the weekends one or both of them is suggesting doing x, y or z, sulking when I choose one over the other, and calling me selfish when I pick neither.

Some weekends I just want to spend with my partner! Is that honestly so bad?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 10:13

I hear you @sunshineangel. And I do have weekends where I say I won't get a chance to see her as we're busy but then I get a guilt trip. I love her and I wouldn't be without her but she can be bloody hard work sometimes. Conversations are very one-sided as she doesn't listen to anything anyone else has to say!

OP posts:

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 10:24

@footle

No one said it was but her mum obviously likes this arrangement and she's trying to be nice and not just say we don't want u here

Why do people get on their high horse on Mumsnet all the time instead of giving aconstructive advice?

Back to the OP

U could just tell her u would like some time to yourself
Tell her the spare room is being decorated
It won't be a spare room it's going to be an office?/playroom /cinema room /for growing grass etc
Get her a dog so she can't stay out overnight
I get the holidays totally but we always try to have a large family holiday once a year just a long weekend or something maybe u could do that ? But we do live far away so don't have the hassle of weekly visits

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 10:43

Get her a dog so she can't stay out overnight

You DO NOT get another person a dog merely to keep the person a prisoner in their own home.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 10:46

Funnily enough I have suggested to her in the past that she might like to get a dog for some company - she's not keen, and of course I'd never get her one against her will!

OP posts:

JasonPollack · 07/10/2019 10:49

You just have to learn to ignore the guilt trip. You're doing the right things but then you're letting her manipulate you after. Once you have set your boundary "we are busy this weekend"/"You can come for dinner but you can't stay over" then you need to stop arguing with her about it. Change the subject, hang up the phone, don't text back etc.

fancytiles · 07/10/2019 10:53

How about a cat or another pet? My elderly grandparents got a lot out of caring for their cat in their later years :)

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 10:57

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I thought you would have suggested a pet of some sort! of course that must be her decision - a pp said get her a dog as a done deal - batshit!

I suggest you cut down the stayovers to once a month. You are entitled to have your weekends free to do as you please. You must have a frank discussion about her being totally reliant on you for entertainment at weekends, and how it impacts your ability to be spontaneous in your leisure time.

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 11:05

Lol it was a suggestion I didn't mean just get her a dog
I only suggested it because my mum has a dog so never stays lol
Lighten up people
Ur all fucking crazy

Jog22 · 07/10/2019 11:13

Jesse70
Your comment about growing grass in the spare room is slipping away due to the outrage over the getting of a dog so I felt I had to bring it up.

Growing grass in the spare room! - how can you suggest this? This is illegal don't you know? Or do you just mean like grass grass, like a goat could eat? Just keep a goat in there anyway. Mother won't want to share with a goat.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:14

Yes we're all fucking crazy here Jesse, Apart from you, of course

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:15

I'd love a pygmy goat or two!

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 11:21

@Jog22

Of course I meant a goat

@marianamoatedgrange

I never said I wasn't crazy think everyone has a little bit crazy in them don't u?
I mean I even put grapes in my salad

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:24

GRAPES IN YOUR SALAD? Seek help. Do you also accept pineapple is a suitable topping for pizza? Do you, Jesse?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 11:27

Erm I feel like this is going off at a tangent slightly!

OP posts:

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 11:28

@marianamoatedgrange

No that's just plain weird

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:30

Sorry for derailing OP!

I hope some of the suggestions here will help guide you to a solution.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 11:40

Haha it's ok! Yes - thanks for all of the comments. Have decided next weekend is going to be a mum-free weekend and I need to stop letting her wind me up. It was yesterday at Sunday lunch that the 'my bedroom' comment came up and it just proper irritated me.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:50

I think once you start putting boundaries in place - "no, sorry mum, not next weekend, we have other plans" and remain firm, she'll get it. May take a few odd weekends of not inviting her, but it will establish a new normal.

I'm in my 60s with adult DC, and all our meetups are scheduled to everyone's convenience. Certainly not every weekend!

robynadair · 07/10/2019 11:57

I had a similar issue when my dad died 4 years ago. I gently persuaded my mum to build up her social life. The U3A has been a godsend. I went to an open day they held with her as she was anxious to go on her own and a little reluctant to go at all to be honest. They were all really friendly, mainly ladies in the same position and she signed up to various events. One was a monthly pub lunch, another was the gardening club which is a monthly trip out to a garden centre for a potter around and lunch. She loves it and goes on so many other trips as well and has made friends which she meets up outside the planned events. Maybe suggest that?

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