Clingy mum

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Have posted about my mum before - dad died 5 years ago and since then she's made no real effort to build a social life for herself and relies on myself and my brother to 'entertain' her on a weekend. She lives about a 20 minute drive away from me. In the early days when she was on her own I used to have her come over for dinner on a weekend sometimes and stay in our spare room so that she could have a couple of glasses of wine. Thought it was a nice thing to do. Then my other half and his kids moved in and we no longer had a spare room so it was a good excuse to stop doing it (still have her over for meals, she just doesn't stay).

Now eldest stepson has gone to Uni and we have moved youngest into his room, we have a spare room again. Was talking about getting a new bed for it and having it as a proper spare room again (of course, stepson will sleep in there if he visits from Uni). But my mum has started referring to it as 'her room' and I feel like there's an expectation there for us to go back to her coming to stay at weekends which I don't really want. How do I tell her this in a nice way? Feel like I can't invite her over for a meal any more without her expecting to be a full weekend guest.

Have never heard of U3A - just googled it. Looks perfect for her. The thing is, she doesn't think she has a problem and needs to do anything over and above what she does so I am at a loss as to how to broach it with her without sounding like I want her off my hands.

You don't want her off your hands it would just be better for her to have a bit of independence. She would also feel a lot better too!

I'm old. I feel strongly that it's not up to my children to provide my social life. OP doesn't need a guilt trip, she's already doing her best.

I think I remember your posts

Isn't she quite young?

I completely understand how you feel.

Yes - she's in her early 70's and still very fit and active. She drives and can be very independent when it suits her!

OP, my mum is 81 and I sort of feel similar...I do enjoy spending time with her most of the time, tbh, but she is so sad without dad it can be hard.

that said, she does make an effort and see other friends. There are, sadly, a few people who don't seem to want to see her any more - I don't know if that's because she's not a couple or because they were more dad's friend than hers - but she definitely still has friends to mix with.

is your mum literally not socialising with anyone apart from you?

I would be very blunt about that and tell her it's not doing her any good and not doing your relationship any good. the "her room" thing would bug me as well.

She socialises in the week with her sisters-in-law - they go for walks/out for lunch/to the cinema etc. But she NEVER organises anything for herself at the weekends. It's like she only arranges other stuff in the week as she knows we're working. It's got to the point that even if I take the odd weekday off to do something with my daughter in the school hols, I don't tell her as she expects to tag along with whatever we're doing.

This year I booked a summer holiday to the place she usually comes to with us without telling her. I felt awful about it but I didn't want her to expect to be invited. Obviously she eventually asked 'aren't you going to X this year' and I had to tell her that yes we were, but we decided it would just be us this year. Honestly, she was so hurt and I maybe handled it wrongly but I feel she has me over an emotional barrel. It's ridiculous really as I hold down a senior job and have no problem at all being assertive in any other area of my life, but I just can't seem to be able to tell it to her straight.

I think it's part of this pressure - oh, can't you just see your old mum once a week kind of thing.

It's difficult because before dad died, I talked on the phone a lot but didn't visit more than once a fortnight, sometimes 3 weeks.

I have had really frank conversations with my mum about it and it sounds like you need to do the same. I ended up doing it within 4 months of his death because I would literally dread talking to her and seeing her, it was like an onslaught of misery.

I was glad I talked to her. One thing that she can't do though, is say "how do you want your DC to be when you are older" because I don't have DC. So probably be ready for that question, but don't shy away from the conversation. She is still only early 70s, this could go on for ages and she might think she can move into your spare room!

Bloody hell @autumnrose1 - her moving in is absolutely not happening! My husband would divorce me!!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 it's not easy is it. I tried all sorts of approaches and in the end I had to be really direct with her saying that we loved her, enjoyed company but she needed to have her own social life as well. It was a bit tense for a while and to be honest I think she only agreed to come to the open day to please me and was fairly determined not to like it! If they don't have an open day near you in the near future maybe contact the chair/lead organiser, to see if they could do an intro event. Ive a couple of aunts on other parts of the country who are widowed/ never married and they are converts to thanks to mum and each branch seems really friendly and welcoming. Good luck

One tactic you could use is to refer to the “spare” room as your stepson’s room, after all he’s probably going to be back at regular times and that’s the room he’ll be in, isn’t it? It stops her taking it on as “hers” in the weird territorial way. And maybe set some expectations proactively like “we can see you every three weekends” or once a month. If she asks why just say it’s what you can manage sensibly with everything else you have on. Also look up grey rock techniques for responses that are non-committal.

It's only one night a week and she's bereaved. Was she a good mum when you were young and raise you with love? If not then I can kind of see your point but if she's a good mum then I think you should try to help her and be there for her.

"It's only one night a week and she's bereaved"

That, right there, is what makes it so hard to say "I can't do this".

I don't think anyone should have to give up every weekend because of this. And it's been five years already for OP mum and could be 20 more! Sometimes I can barely hold a conversation after the working week.

And helping her can look like supporting a more independent life with a wider network of friends and activities. Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries so that there is a balance between spending enough time together and time apart doing your own things. That applies to parents as well as partners.

Yeah, way to guilt me @firstimemamma. Like I don't have enough of that to deal with.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 ignore her/him, there is always one!!