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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unsatisfying sex. WWYD?

29 replies

Pa55thegin · 07/10/2019 09:12

Well, sex wasn't always bad but since having kids, its really unsatisfying (for me!)

Been with H for 11 years, 2 young DC. Generally good relationship with DH although the sex has been an issue now for a few years. He always enjoys himself, then falls asleep leaving me unsatisfyed and frustrated!

I'm going round in circles... bad sex/not wanting to do it again/give in eventually thinking it could be different/bad sex...

Yes, I have spoken to H, although he will make more of an effort for the next time we have sex but it really is a one off.

It gets me so down, sometimes after sex I will have a little cry in the bathroom as I feel used. Of course H has enjoyed it and now happily sleeping...

Any advise?? WWYD?

OP posts:

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/10/2019 09:23

Life is too short for bad sex. Your DH is a selfish pig. You could state that you won't let him finish, penetrate you until you are satisfied. But personally I wouldn't want to have my pleasure only because you are holding his hostage IYSWIM. To force him to make you happy would make me feel very worthless. So I suppose, if you have spoken to him about this numerous times and it has made no difference, you need to evaluate if you are prepared for this to continue or to take radical action. How is he in other areas of your relationship?

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2019 09:23

I think you need to insist on him sorting you out first. I thought ladies first was a pretty standard rule in these kinds of situations! Next time he's done and makes moves to roll over and sleep, tell him that you aren't done. Talking about it hasn't worked so I think you need to address it in the moment.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 09:26

if he is not making any effort to help you enjoy it, then whats the point of even doing it. If he cant stay awake to make you orgasm afterwards, then whats stopping him giving you yours first?

Life is too short for crap sex. Yes, he IS using you. Dont allow it.

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/10/2019 09:26

The problem with that approach though @oysterbabe is that there is no incentive for him to do that. He obviously doesn't give a shit otherwise he would be bothered already. Having to ask to be satisfied everytime by someone that is replete and unwilling would be too demeaning for me to bear.

Original poster

Pa55thegin · 07/10/2019 10:16

Thanks all for the replies. H is great with the kids, is hard working so I can be a SAHM, and is a good husband in other aspects. (Sure there are little niggles about silly things, but hey!)

He has been my first and only love, the only man I have slept with, so I've no previous experience and as our relationship went on, I thought this might be 'normal.' But 11 years on, here we are...

Yes it makes me feel used and worthless. I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him but thats not getting me anywhere.

OP posts:

jamaisjedors · 07/10/2019 10:21

Maybe sign up for OMGYES and watch it together - it's pretty eye-opening!

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/10/2019 10:26

How about a more subtle approach. How does he react if you withhold? Not obviously, just suddenly always be too tired for it, make it known it's not worth the effort for you. Might he be more ready to get you in the mood and please you? If you are always there on tap there is no incentive for him to try harder is there?

KaceyD · 07/10/2019 10:27

I could have written this, I'm in the exact same situation 😔

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 10:27

if talking doesnt help, then your only other option is to stop doing it.
Tell him you are so done with not getting pleasure from it and are going on strike till he ups his game

ravenmum · 07/10/2019 10:35

Is he also relatively inexperienced? My exh was only slightly more experienced than me when we met, and our combined cluelessness was probably the reason why he simply did not do foreplay: I didn't know any better either, so didn't express any surprise at the lack of it. (The sex was at least satisfying, though!) Now I have a bf with many exes who have collectively steered him in the right direction.

Even so, if you have made it clear that it's not enjoyable for you, and he's STILL not even trying to make it enjoyable, I can see why you'd be very unhappy. I'd get him to go to counselling with you, and drum it into him that this is a big deal.

ravenmum · 07/10/2019 10:37

Does he try to make you happy in other areas of life?

Deadringer · 07/10/2019 10:41

No way would I bother if I wasn't going to enjoy it. Sex is for both parties, your dh needs to understand that. We were very young when we got together, both virgins and had to learn as we went along. After 11 years you should both know what works, does he know but doesn't bother, or does the usual stuff not work any more? You say it wasn't always bad, but was it ever really good? I always get -ahem- taken care of first, that works for us. He really needs to listen to you on this. If things don't improve I would stop him halfway through every time saying you are done, do that for a while, might make him understand what it's like.

Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 10:45

When you've talked to your DH, have you perhaps erred on the side of overly diplomatic?

If you've said to him "I need to talk to you about something that is seriously affecting our marriage. I no longer enjoy our sex life. The sex we have now makes me feel used and worthless and I cry afterwards because I hate it so much." and he hasn't changed then he's an arsehole who you may be better off without, long term.

If what you've said to date is "Darling I love you very much and it would be just amazing for me if we could spend a minute or two more on foreplay." then try upgrading to the bald truth and see what happens.

Interestedwoman · 07/10/2019 11:29

You need to tell him what he should be doing at the time. More experienced people perhaps feel more confident to communicate/ask for what they want -during- sex. This is not abnormal (although of course he should be doing the basics, anyway- asking should only be needed for more particular things you want in the moment, but he clearly needs it. rolls eyes)

I had a boyfriend like this. It was frustrating and annoying, and though I quite liked him as a person, it was fairly early days so I had little invested in the relationship, so I dumped him. Not saying you necessarily should dump your husband for this, but he needs to up his game. With that particular guy I asked/suggested he did something after he had finished (use my toy on me) and he just dropped it back down to the side of the bed without starting using it! I mean wtf? That was one of the points at which I decided he had to go lol.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes, if you can. xx

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/10/2019 11:38

@Interestedwomen, Blimey, I think I would have bludgeoned him to death with it at that point.

peachgreen · 07/10/2019 12:04

I second everything that @Tableclothing said.

RandomMess · 07/10/2019 12:31

Yep a direct conversation at how it is making you feel and that it is a deal breaker, that you deserve sexual satisfaction as much as him!

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/10/2019 12:33

There are plenty of instructional videos on the net. Send him a link to the one you like best OP.

Skittlesandbeer · 07/10/2019 13:05

I think your situation is more than enough reason to set up marriage counselling. Let him explain it to a third party and feel the shame.

And as I always say, don’t ‘ask’ him about how he’d feel about counselling, just bloody research the right person and make the appointment. Text him the date, time and location. And a brief summary of why.

He’s in dreamland in more ways than one if he thinks modern women will stand for this nonsense long term.

lexiepuppy · 07/10/2019 13:19

I would go on Love honey or Ann Summers and buy some toys for you and your partner to try. Try not to be embarrassed, it could make your love life a lot more magical!

category12 · 07/10/2019 13:33

Let him see you cry is one thing: you're hiding how bad it makes you feel to protect his ego/feelings. Time to stop. He needs to know.

And insist on ladies first.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/10/2019 14:04

I had exactly the same for nearly 10 years. Until I told him exactly what the problem was, by showing him. Every time we had sex I would get on top and when i felt like he was getting close I would get off, say I'm done and roll over to go to sleep. Of course this wasnt good enough cause he wanted finishing so I had it out with him and said you've done that to me EVERY SINGLE TIME for a fucking decade so dont you dare moan that I've done it a couple of times to you!! Let's just say its very rare now I'm left unsatisfied and if i knew how good he was at the other stuff I'd have demanded it long before!

Ilovefishcakes201 · 07/10/2019 16:25

Why don’t you have sex with him and stop mid way through. And tell him that’s how you feel all the time you have sex.
Are there any books you could buy for him to read

Windydaysuponus · 07/10/2019 16:27

Invest in a good toy. Suggest ways of using it during sex - make sure you are satisfied first!!
If he won't join in then Ltb and keep the toy!

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:48

He always enjoys himself, then falls asleep leaving me unsatisfyed and frustrated!

There is no excuse for this and you are both to blame. Him for being a selfish twat and you for putting up with it. Quite simply he doesn’t get his until you get yours!

Be clear, be strong and don’t settle for less!!

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