How to deal with a sulker

[sulkymcsulkyface]

Had an argument with ‘D’H. I apologised as I was in the wrong.

H gone to work and have a half arsed bye. He’s still sulking. He could forgive me by the time he gets home or sulk with me for days. Depends on his mood.

I really hate sulking as I had a mother who would sulk with me l, often for days.

When he snaps at me and apologised (even though he snaps at me all the time it feels at the moment), I have to accept his apology straight away otherwise I’m being unreasonable and difficult.

I don’t really know how to deal with this.

I would struggle to put up with this OP

I should add as well that I’ve got a 7 month old DD and 8 weeks pregnant with another so I don’t really want my kids picking up on that behaviour.

I'm guessing he wasn't like this before you had children together? My 'D'P seemed to become a totally different person after a bereavement during my pregnancy, got worse once DD was born. How often is he punishing you with the sulking? Have you spoken to him about his double standards? I have a lot of sympathy for you, I understand how difficult it is to live with a man who behaves as if you are always in the wrong. I'm three years down the line and not a lot has changed unfortunately.

He stops sulking long enough to make babies then. Has he always been like this or did it start when you became pregnant the first time? Some men don't take kindly to no longer being the centre of of their DP's attention, and present with childlike behaviour.

Its emotionally abusive to sulk like this
I wouldn't stay with a sulker

Personally, I couldn't live with a sulker. I had a flatmate who was a sulker once, and that was almost more than I could cope with but at least I could ignore her and get on with my life.

I'm not sure that there's anything you can do as such, but for me this would be a deal breaker. And once you have kids it's 100x more difficult if someone sulks. It's very difficult to get on with the shared parenting tasks if one person isn''t talking to the other person.

Only thing to do with a sulker is to ignore.

He’s always been like it but does have some redeeming features it’s just since DD, I’ve seen him in a different light. I can’t really say how often it is as I try to not cause arguments and usually back down straight away.

Whenever I speak to him he just says I’m being like my mum (we don’t like her and she is a difficult, unreasonable woman) so he usually uses her as a stick to beat me with so he doesn’t really amend his behaviour. I don’t think I can comment on his double standards today as he’ll just say I’m making the situation about me and pretending to be a victim. He usually says that as well after we’ve had an arguement. Im not allowed to be upset.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your mother sulked at you when you were a child and now you've married a man who does the self same behaviour.

Sulking is really another form of emotional abuse and the responsibility for the sulk is your H's and not yours to own in any way.

I would be contacting Womens Aid in your situation and consider too whether you want to remain in this relationship in the long term. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

In many cases where abuse is present the target, in this case you, is used to justify their own unreasonable behaviour. You did not make him sulk; he chose to do so of his own accord. He does so because he can and this works for him. You are not responsible for his sulking and you were not responsible for your mother's sulking behaviours either.

Sulking is so unattractive and abusive.

No matter how small you try to make yourself to avoid conflict with him, he'll still do it. Eventually he'll grind you down to a shell of yourself.

You might as well just be yourself and say what you want as he'll keep doing it.

If you're going to stay with him for now, the best thing is to completely ignore sulking. Get some good ear plugs if you have to.
Also contact Women's Aid.

Wow op. Have a bit of a think how similar your dh is to your mother.

I am NC with my mother so no judgement there. But it appears he maybe similar.

@RantyAnty ear plugs? To block out someone who is not even talking to you?

Ime use his sulking as a time for some you time.
My ex was a sulker.
Ruined my 40th party..
He was an exh before I was 41...

Thanks all.

The grinding down does sound familiar. I’ve been with him since I was 18 (29 now)

I don’t know where that strong 18 year old who would stick up for herself went

He accuses you of being sulky like your mother?

Well he says I’m “playing the victim” like my mother or I’m being difficult like her, mainly the victim thing though.

My ex husband used to do this. Note the use of the word 'ex'.
He'd ignore me for days on end, then for no apparent reason, start behaving like nothing was wrong again. lt was like living with a huge huffy toddler.
l doubt this will change, tbh. You need to think about whether you can put up with it for the next 40+ years.

You're "playing" the victim because you ARE the victim. He is just bullying and controlling you with this behaviour and maintaining the upper hand. You need to stand up to him, like to all bullies. I know that's easier said than done, but you asked for advice and you are getting the same from everyone.

Well he says I’m “playing the victim” like my mother or I’m being difficult like her, mainly the victim thing

He's going for this because he thinks it's the thing that will hurt you the most. My ex tried this, "You're just like your dad!" - they had never met, the only thing he knew about my dad was that he abused me.

Thanks again all.

I am taking everything on board. I don’t want to leave him as I do love him and he does have many redeeming features... it’s just the sulking and double standards.

He knows my biggest fear is being like my mum.

By the sounds of it your mother showed you what relationships where like and at 18 you met someone who was familiar. It was what you were brought up with after all.

Now you have your own babies, and being the one who was expected to role over and take it, you don’t want them to do the same. So you are questioning whether or not this is actually how relationships go.

It’s not btw.

This is all a guess, but it would be worth you having a really good look at your mother’s personality compared to his. Plus different forms of abuse. The mental side, not the physical.

The stately homes thread is a good start for your mother.

Maybe you will find out where the 18 year old went.

And he uses your biggest fear against you. This is not a kind man

Make your 30th year on this planet and subsequent ones happier for you by losing this millstone of a man, a man whom you've been with since you were 18. You met this person when you really had no real life experience behind you (and I would not also think that things at home were great then either).

You are not like your mother; you are a separate person from her and have not become her.

Your H on the other hand is a sulker, just like she was and perhaps still is. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your mother in particular taught you a lot of damaging lessons. Over the years you've been ground down; first of all by your mother and secondly by your now husband. Ultimately this man is going to have to become your ex husband.

@MarianaMoatedGrange She said he will argue and twist it around.

Men like this will keep on with it to get their way or to "win" so to speak.

Pull out the ear plugs and let him argue with himself!