How to deal with a sulker

[sulkymcsulkyface]

Had an argument with ‘D’H. I apologised as I was in the wrong.

H gone to work and have a half arsed bye. He’s still sulking. He could forgive me by the time he gets home or sulk with me for days. Depends on his mood.

I really hate sulking as I had a mother who would sulk with me l, often for days.

When he snaps at me and apologised (even though he snaps at me all the time it feels at the moment), I have to accept his apology straight away otherwise I’m being unreasonable and difficult.

I don’t really know how to deal with this.

Your entire update just gives me the chills:

"I try not to cause arguments"
"Usually back down straight away"
He says you're "pretending to be a victim"
"He says I'm being like my mum"

So you're walking on eggshells to prevent an argument. If you complain about his behaviour he tells you its in your head, you're playing the victim and accuses you of being like your mum.

This is not healthy.

Incidentally, SIL can be extremely unpleasant and aggressive in arguments, it's true. But BIL uses it to manipulate her. So it doesn't matter what he does, because her response is so unpleasant, she immediately becomes the bad guy. So I'm not suggesting that you are necessarily always perfect. But this isn't okay.

I'm sorry you're living with this op. You're amending your behaviour and walking on eggshells to appease him and avoid arguments- your dc will start to do that to. Don't let them live with expectation that they have to be subversive and pussyfoot around him, his sulking is abusive and tyrannical.

@sulkymcsulkyface

Bring back that sassy 18 year old.

You know you're not like your mum at all. He's more like your mum!

You know that no matter how you have tried to avoid conflict with him by walking on eggshells, he still does it.

Take the wind out of his sails next time he says, "oh you're like your mum" "You're just playing the victim"

Just agree with him and exaggerate . Say, "yes, I'm the biggest victim on the planet, maybe in the universe. I may even win an award for it!"

Each time, just agree, and laugh and go about whatever you were doing.

You know it's not true and you know he just says it to be mean. Take the wind out of his sails every single time.

Thanks again all.

I’m not sure how to handle him if he calls on his lunch. He may have stopped sulking and call by then or he might not call because he’s sulking still...

Don't put up with this. It's not worth it.

I, like you, had a mother who would sulk with me for days when I was a child. There was no telling what would start it, no warning, and when she finished sulking it was like nothing had happened. I never knew where I was with her, and never knew whether I'd get a good morning and some breakfast, or if I'd have to get up and find something and get myself to school (I was young when this went on so I'm not sure it was right).

I now have anxiety issues which she insists have nothing to do with the way she acted. I, and my counsellor, feel otherwise.

My dh is a sulker. I used to pander him him, before dc. Now I just ignore him and carry on as normal. Show him that you're not putting up with it, he's not a child.

Relationship counselling?

Is it sulking or emotional withdrawal? His behaviour is probably leant from his own childhood and probably served a purpose. If you love him and want to work at it have some counselling. This is an interesting read
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/201412/the-most-toxic-pattern-in-any-relationship%3famp

I wonder what is going on for DP when he is withdrawn?

I do this - it's from my childhood used as a way to avoid getting into situations with my own mother where she could criticise me. It worked really well as a protection for me as a child. I I have carried it into my adulthood where it doesn't serve me well - but I am virtually unable to speak in these withdrawn periods it's such a physical feeling. Other people call it sulking and that really pisses me off as it reduces extremely intense behaviours and feedlings that at deeply ingrained.

I would not undertake any form of joint counselling with someone like the OPs H and in any case joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

You need to sort this.

I'd be giving him an ultimatum: counselling, or divorce.

And the only sentence you need in the interim is - I won't live like this.

Him: 'well it's your fault, you're just like your mother'

You: 'Then we need to split as I won't live like this. If I'm so like my mother, you're better off without me, yes?'

He's emotionally abusive, but you know that. Using your mother against you is low. Sulking is emotionally abusive. The only good point here is that he didn't used to be like this, so counselling is worth a go. But you need to be forceful and soon, as he is already changing you, being successful with his abuse so the dynamic is shifting into you being afraid of his reactions which is basically the same as being afraid of HIM. You know what that means. It means you're in an abusive relationship and there is no good end to that for you or your kids.

Find what's left of that 18 year old and give him that ultimatum.

And yes, it is so so much easier to leave the younger the children are.

I'm assuming you don't have the support of parents or wouldn't want to involve her/them - do you have anywhere you could go if you needed to?

By the way I see Attila's point here. Counselling with an abuser is a no go. But if the only way you are going to get to say your piece is with someone else in the room, and if that's the way you will really get to see what his reaction is when it's out in the open and you are there saying I'M GOING TO LEAVE UNLESS YOU GET A GRIP - then do it. Even if it only ends up being a single session where you get to hear him ranting to the counsellor about how you're just as much to blame, and you can think - 'Yes, he really is like that - and I really do need to leave'.

What you DON'T want to do is start on a loong torturous programme of counselling where it's an endless he said she said. The point would be to shock him into seeing where you are with this, and his reaction to it, and what he actually comes out with when you are in a counselling situation.

The likelihood is that it will give you 'permission' to leave him, mentally and emotionally.

Don't deal with it.
Enjoy your child and your life.
Give your child all of your attention.
He will aoon stop sulking once he sees that you are not bothered. He might even accuse you of not giving him enough attention.

Maybe you should tell him that your biggest fear , actually, is being MARRIED TO your mum