Headturned ?

[Theintrigued]

Im a guy mid 30's, with partner 2 years and basically helped bring her daughter up. Last couple of months have not been ideal but nothing major has gone on. Partner started her new job 6 weeks ago and has also been working at home on a night which is okay and texting other staff about work, which is okay. The past 2 weeks she has been texting a certain work 'friend' a lot. I mean a lot, first thing on a morning all morning until work and then on a night all night to bed, to a point where I feel he is a priority over me and gets all her attention. I confronted her and she went off on one saying I'm paranoid and jealous and have anxiety etc etc he's a good friend and I'd never risk losing my job. Now, i know he's single and tbh he's not her type at all, not physically at all and he would definitely be punching. Wherever she goes she has phone in hand, never without it and checking it every 30 secs to a minute and being very shady around me with it. Ive seen the way she smiles at it too. All of this is not normal behaviour for her. Its very very strange. Shes doing exactly what we were doing when we first started dating and fell for eachother. She says she loves me and doesnt want to lose the only father figure her daughters ever had but I feel like she knows what shes doing and is now rubbing my nose in it in the hope i will say something so we can row and she can push me out ? Am I being unreasonable ? Is it all in my head ? Would you agree this isnt normal behaviour ? Has she had her head turned ?

Hi I’m totally in similar position and can’t really offer any advice but just wanted to send my love and that you’re not alone x

You're not being unreasonable. This isn't normal behaviour. Even if he was a good friend, nobody makes a friend like that within 6 weeks.

Will she let you look at the messages?

Haven't you posted this before?
Ask to see the messages.

If I ask to see the messages it will just get her back up and she will be ultra defensive. It will be game over basically. Feel like Im in a lose lose situation and will be better moving on and letting her crack on. She wont change what shes doing which asks the question if she does really love me or not

I’d follow your instincts. I don’t think any friend made in such a short time which had become such an investment of time could be healthy whilst she has a child and partner at home.
You said that you get the feeling she’s waiting for you to ‘push’ and then she’d force your hand to leave. You deserve to feel secure and confident in your relationship. The fact that you feel so ‘dangled’ must feel awful and it isn’t fair.
Rather than wait and demand answers, I would just explain your reason for leaving and then leave. If you have this all wrong, she’ll offer you a genuine explanation etc. If you’re right, she’ll point the finger at you and become defensive.

If there’s nothing too complicated to resolve (joint owned house for instance) then I would take steps to move out and split up with her if I were in your shoes.

You know she’d be very unlikely to tolerate similar behaviour from you, and you’re totally justified in ending the relationship if you’re no longer happy.

I was in exactly your situation Op, the texting with a colleague, the smiles, the language that replicated our own experience when we were getting together. I described it exactly the same way that you did - 'head turned'. after a short while I called her on it and asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. At first she prevaricated but then she said she 'didn't feel the same way about our relationship anymore'.

She didn't admit to anything with her work colleague but it correctly transpired something had been going on -an emotional affair at least and they did get together. Whether it was more than that at the time I will never know as there were so many lies about how her time was spent so I can only suspect there was something physical also going on.

It's a s* situation to be in and you feel completely powerless. Her behaviour came after a traumatic period in her life after her dad died and I suspect there was an element of 'life is short' - a hedonistic attitude and lack of any responsible behaviour. It was like she had turned into a teenager again. Her own needs came first and she just didn't care about anything else.

You could try using the same question that I did 'is there anything you need to tell me?' to see if you can get to the bottom of what is going on. Maybe it is nothing, but I would be concerned from what you were saying. You deserve to have an equal, balanced, mutually loving relationship and if that is disappearing then you probably need to think about moving on.

Her explanation is that she was so low in her old job and now in this new job she is so confident and getting lots of praise its a big change and work is very important to her. Work is important yes but staing till 2am saturday morning ? Midnight Saturday night ? Cant tell me that this guy is working too all that time and its all harmless 'work banter'. Shes said hes a short bald tubby version of her brother, obviously to put me off thinking that anything is happening/could happen. But it just stinks. Spending your entire day eagerly awaiting a text from a work friend, not right ?

Are you sure that's what acthally happening and not just you perceiving that way? I had an ex that would constantly accuse me of cheating when i wasn't, saying the same stuff as you, "your always on your phone " "your being shady and secretive " "you've got someone else" I was being none of those things i was on my phone as much as anyone else my age there was no secrecy he could had gone through it if he wanted to there's was no lock and I offered he just turned around and said I would have deleted everything! Enough was enough when i went to a couple of family functions and would be called a slag and told i did a dissapearing act. Also nor true just how he saw it . One night I went outside for a fag came back in and was met him scowling at me saying I was out there in someone's car beacuse when i came in he heard a car drive off .
That's how it needed k couldn't take it anymore but started the way you sound. If you don't trust her leave no1 can live like that no1 wants to be accused 24/7 and if it turns out she is then you were right to leave.

She used to be not bothered about her phone, leave it around anywhere, ask me to use it. Now it never leaves her side or pocket. Even at the toilet or shower. Why if theres nothing to hide ? Turns away when I go near.

Have you met or seen this “short bald tubby” guy?

Ultimately you don’t need ANY reason to end a relationship other than it isn’t working for you anymore. Life is way too short to waste your 30s on something that isn’t working for you now.

@j3mz this is clearly different as she's super secretive.

@Theintrigued if it was completely innocent she'd show you.
If you can't trust her then, like you said, maybe it's time to walk away.
It's great that she's happier in her new job, but maybe it's opened her eyes and she's realised it's not just her job that was getting her down (not insinuating that's your fault at all!) and it may be better that you end it before she hurts you.

we are now sleeping in separate rooms and she wont communicate with me at all, doesn't even reply to my texts or calls. I would think we are supposed to support eachother and try and get through this but it seems like she isn't interested at all.
I go on holiday with my daughter in 6 days for 2 weeks. Either she will miss me and think about things, or be glad im gone and carry on as she is

You've been together for 2 years and you're sleeping in separate rooms? It's clearly over.

Invite him over for dinner with all of u
If they are just friends

See how they act toward each other

That's definatley not going to happen, more likely to happen whilst Im away on holiday

If she wanted to allay your fears she would just show you the texts. The fact that she isn't tells you a lot. If it was just work banter it would be fine for you to see it.

But she isn't, she is defensive, dismissive and she knows it is upsetting you but she clearly doesn't care. So yes, she has had her head turned. But communication is the only way forward. You need to be honest with her about how it looks and for her to shut this down now. Tell her she is spoiling the holiday you are going on with your child because you are worried about what she will be doing when you are not there.

It might be the wake up call she needs or confirm you need to end this relationship and get out. I am really sorry.

This is how DPs ex was when she was having an affair at her new job (I found out because my then dp started working for them and unknowingly dropped her in the shit a few times as he knew the guy from school).

Also be careful what you say in text to her. She will be spinning alsorts of tales about her poor loveless abused life and will twist short snippets to back up her stories

Im going to have the chat tonight, if she really does love me and wants me not just for her daughters benefit but her own too - then she needs to realise what she is doing isn't right, which the majority of people agree with, and is something I wont tolerate. I know how its going to end, she will get cross, defensive, use the you're jealous and insecure excuse and tell me Im wrong, but hey ho it will be what it will be

Good luck. I've been in a similar situation. It turned out my suspicions were right.

She may not find him physically attractive but that mental connection is definitely there to see. She says she wouldn't risk her career but if they keep it out of working hours then they can have a little secret relationship going on. She would probably like the risk and sneaking around but to be honest I don't think she would go ahead. That's what gets me and makes it so hard to understand, I'm not sure she would but I think she wants to. That leaves me stuck

It doesn't leave you stuck! Just because she's not actively engaging in a physical relationship doesn't mean the relationship between the 2 of you is right - it sounds like she is investing more time and energy into this other person, possibly a sort of emotional affair. You just need to know yourself what you are happy with and what you are not, and if you are unhappy and the situation can't be resolved then you can just say you're unhappy and move on. Nobody should be attempting to control another person and you don't want to get to a situation where your hopes and expectations can't be met and you both feel resentful. If that's the case it's better for you both to move on separately.

Who's looking after her daughter while she's hanging around with her new friend until 2am? You?

They only see eachother at work. Working on laptop at home until 2am hand in hand with phone