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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Headturned ?

38 replies

Theintrigued · 07/10/2019 04:55

Im a guy mid 30's, with partner 2 years and basically helped bring her daughter up. Last couple of months have not been ideal but nothing major has gone on. Partner started her new job 6 weeks ago and has also been working at home on a night which is okay and texting other staff about work, which is okay. The past 2 weeks she has been texting a certain work 'friend' a lot. I mean a lot, first thing on a morning all morning until work and then on a night all night to bed, to a point where I feel he is a priority over me and gets all her attention. I confronted her and she went off on one saying I'm paranoid and jealous and have anxiety etc etc he's a good friend and I'd never risk losing my job. Now, i know he's single and tbh he's not her type at all, not physically at all and he would definitely be punching. Wherever she goes she has phone in hand, never without it and checking it every 30 secs to a minute and being very shady around me with it. Ive seen the way she smiles at it too. All of this is not normal behaviour for her. Its very very strange. Shes doing exactly what we were doing when we first started dating and fell for eachother. She says she loves me and doesnt want to lose the only father figure her daughters ever had but I feel like she knows what shes doing and is now rubbing my nose in it in the hope i will say something so we can row and she can push me out ? Am I being unreasonable ? Is it all in my head ? Would you agree this isnt normal behaviour ? Has she had her head turned ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Theintrigued · 07/10/2019 11:38

Maybe I am paranoid and insecure and jealous, but Im not stupid

OP posts:

Original poster

Theintrigued · 07/10/2019 11:38

I don't think think it could ever go back to how it was after this

OP posts:

Teacupover5 · 07/10/2019 11:47

Don't put up with this -you deserve better.
Go on holiday with your DD and when you come back start thinking about making a life for yourself .

30to50FeralHogs · 07/10/2019 11:49

Given that her behaviour with her phone and towards you has changed, I’d say it doesn’t matter whether or not this guy is ‘her Type’ physically, she is clearly more invested in building her ‘friendship’ with him than in maintaining her relationship with you.

You pointing it out could have been her opportunity to reflect and realise that she’s overstepped the mark before doing anything totally irreparable. However, her twisting it back onto you and making you wonder if it’s your anxiety etc causing issues is totally unacceptable, emotionally abusive even.

Please don’t tolerate her bullshit for the sake of her child. It’s sad when you’ve built a close relationship with her, but this isn’t on you to tolerate or to fix. You just have to state that you’re not happy with things as they are, and that when you get back from your holiday you’ll be moving out.

If she gives a shit this might be the wake up call she needs to see sense. If not, it will give her time to collect your belongings together while you’re away for a clean break.

So sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s crazy making when someone won’t accept their own shitty behaviour, but you’re right to be suspicious. This is exactly how you act in a new relationship not a work friendship.

Dinks66 · 07/10/2019 11:56

If my DP was ever concerned about me or my intentions with another person, I'd hand my phone over.

Original poster

Theintrigued · 07/10/2019 12:24

She says that if she didnt love me she would have kicked me out straight away, maybe shes just trying to be nice and give me false hope so im not too upset whilst on holiday. Maybe theres truth in it and that she may want to try again. Either way, the way she is acting ia not normal for a 'working friendship'

OP posts:

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 07/10/2019 12:25

What are you still hanging around for?
Your relationship is over I just can't see from what you've written why you are still "together". You've moved to another room and she's having an affair, albeit non confirmed as a physical affair, the emotional affair is there clear as day.

She is using you as a mug, time to move on.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 07/10/2019 12:39

Have you met or seen photos of this other guy? Cheaters often use “he’s not my type etc” as a way to put you off the scent.

Original poster

Theintrigued · 07/10/2019 12:53

I've seen photos yeah on social media, he is how she described him but that doesn't mean anything

OP posts:

30to50FeralHogs · 07/10/2019 15:06

I've seen photos yeah on social media, he is how she described him but that doesn't mean anything

Indeed. Chemistry is a weird thing, it isn’t always about looks.

Hopoindown31 · 07/10/2019 15:32

Time to move on. Make your boundaries clear and stick to them.

Mermaidsinthesand · 07/10/2019 16:16

Now, i know he's single and tbh he's not her type at all, not physically at all and he would definitely be punching.

Is your OH a model or something?

Clearly it isnt working between you two, leave her as you dont trust her at all

CloudyWithAChance2 · 07/10/2019 18:54

he is how she described him but that doesn't mean anything

I asked because 6 weeks is a very short time for her to be so attached to someone else without physical attraction.
EAs can definitely exist where this is no or limited initial physical attraction, so to speak, but they evolve over longer periods of time in my experience.

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