What would you do, because tbh I really dont know.

[Nbg]

This might be long and maybe I should have done a name change but fuck it.
I shall start from the begining so that you see the full picture too.

Basically a friend and colleague of dh (who is now a good friend of mine), her dh died just over a month ago and she has a dd who is the same age as our ds.
Anyway we went for a day out together on Saturday and we said lets look into a holiday for us all next summer. Somewhere like Centre Parcs maybe, nothing too pricey.
So when we got back I got a quote and we were looking at £400 for 5 days away. Then we start looking at Eurocamp hols and the like.
Dh is then bit by the holiday bug and starts looking at allsorts. He then goes on about going snowboarding kind of jokey and I said no way because the new baby will only be 6 months old.
Skip to yesterday and I had gone to bed with retched SPD pain. While I'm there, he's been pricing up holidays to Canada in January.
Last night he starts telling me how it only costs 1.5k to go to Canada to stay in an executive lodge. I say dont be so stupid, new baby will be 1 month old. My response "Oh yeah I didnt think about that".

So to cut a long story short is that he wants to take dd on his own in January and leave me with a one month old baby, ds who will be 16 months and 2 dogs just so he can go snowboarding, not to mention the week snowboarding he's going on in March too. I told him how unhappy I was about that but he still has every intention of going.

Anyway, cue massive argument. I lost it big time and got really upset because he just wouldnt see that I didnt want him to go because of the new baby.
He said he doesnt see what the big deal is, babies only sleep and drink, I need to see a Physciatrist and sort out my mental health issues

Today we have barely spoken but argued again before he went to work.
He said he hated me, wants to go to the solicitors, he doesnt see why he should have to live with my inadequcies (sp, i know its wrong), house will go on the market, i have to cancel the family get together for ds's birthday next week because he hates my family oh and if I dont sprt out my mental health issues by next year hes leaving.

So basically I said that if thats what he was thinking then theres no point in staying around, I would go to my mums and get my name on the council house list and just go.
I told dh I wouldnt be here when he comes home tomorrow from work but I called my mum, she spoke some sense and I am still here.
But tbh I dont know if I want to be.
He will come home tomorrow and still not listen to me or reason and all I can think is why should I live with that.

He's said alot of the things above before and I know alot of it is reactionary but I get so sick of it.
Without making excuses I am struggling atm with anxiety but ffs I'm 24 weeks pg, I think I'm still in shock about being pg so quick and I need a bit of sodding support. Not a dh who thinks its ok to bugger off and book a holiday when our 3rd child will be 1 month old.

So someone please talk some sense to me and tell me what you'd do cos I feel so buggered up atm.
Am just gonna throw my children into bed and then I will be back.

Thank you.

[crokky]

He clearly doesn't understand the resonsibilities involved. It seems that if you try and explain it to him, he goes on about you having mental health problems. So it might be that you have to back down and let him do it for the moment. If I were you, I would get used to the idea of him going away at that time and make some plans for it - have you got a relative who could come and stay so that you could look after your kids in your own house whilst he is away? Any friends that could come round and help you, cook a meal or do something useful. Alternatively, if you want to uproot to your home town for this period, get that organised instead so that you can look forward to it, rather than dreading it. Maybe get kit like travel cots up there in advance, have it all ready as the trip with the LOs on your own won't be the easiest!

It is totally unreasonable for him to do this, but then the other side of it is that you say he is a good dad. I would try and hang onto this. I really sympathise as I am pg (very sick with complications on their way if like last pg!) and have a 17 month old (and doing a house move relocation) and feel anxious sometimes - I get the mental health card thrown at me as well, which is unfair coming from somebody whose life has not changed a bit since pg/DC!

[Nbg]

Theres parts of him I love dearly but others not.
I keep thinking of the bloody wedding vows
"for better or worse".

He is a very family orientated man and I think he does alot more than what other fathers/husbands do but this really does take the biscuit for me.

I dont know if he does love me after what he has said.
If he did he wouldnt go on abut solicitors, selling the house etc.

[crokky]

nbg - my DH has in the past gone on about solicitors/taking me to the cleaners etc - it could be anger talking as it is certainly possible to love someone very much and still speak to them like this. I really think if he is family oriented it is worth trying to hang onto things for the moment. It is realyl hard work with young DC and I read somewhere that if you are going to split up, wait til youngest is 2 and see if you still want to split up as these are the hardest years.

[Nbg]

Well he has been away the last two years without me snowboarding and I have had people stay with me but this time its a bit more difficult.
My dads been through some ill health with his heart so understandably my mum is reluctant to leave him. My nan helps out too but shes in her 70's now and gets tired easily, although she likes to do more than what she can.
As for friends, errrr no


I really do have mental health issues though atm. I'm on ad's, can barely leave the house on my own and feel anxious alot.
Not helped by this obviously.

[crokky]

sorry i x posted with you a couple of posts ago

[soapbox]

Oh NBG poor you

This isn't really about a snowboarding holiday though is it? The things he threw at you last night and this morning were all about the fundamental things of who you are - your identity. They aren't things you can just say, oh fine I'll sort them out.

Yes you could let him go skiing, but that is just a short term fix- the things he professes to 'hate' about you will still be there.

I think this warrants a serious discussion about your future together, but that also means that you need to take your time and consider the relationship seriously too - and that means no knee jerk reactions

[MyTwopenceworth]

what did he say to you when you told him you would have left him by the time he gets home tomorrow?

if he said or acted like that would be fine, then I think that's your answer.

[EffiePerine]

Nbg, sorry you're having such a shit time . Not sure what I would do apart from being blody furious. Sure, he may have reasons for behaving like an arse but he still is being an arse to his pg and vulnerable wife .

If you do want to make things work, perhaps you could offer a compromise? A family holiday later on in the year - Oct half term maybe? OK it will be more expensive but you will also have more time to save up for it, and you should all be able to go at that point (though you would have to take it in turns to look after the kids).

[EffiePerine]

agree that it is not about the holiday, but being a bloke he will prob focus on that as the problem to be sorted rather than the more nebulous issue of his general arsiness.

[Nbg]

He just said fine, went and had a shower, came downstairs and said well you better ring me at work and tell me where your going to be and I said well I'll not be here.
Then he started saying dont you think your being ott, to which i replied not really if you hate me and want to go to the solicitors.

I then told him he'd have to come home and walk the dogs as I wouldnt be here, he said he couldnt and I would have to sort out for somewhere for them to go.
I said I wouldnt but obviously I am still here.

Keep thinking I should call him and give him the courtesy of telling him where his children are.

[crokky]

in that case, i would make plans to go back to your home town for the time he is away and look forward to it.

i am sure it is much easier to conquer the anxiety with the appropriate support. does he understand it at all? just like it would be easier for him to recover from a physical injury with the appropriate support?

i am not the best to advise, but all i can say is take little steps and know that you aren't alone struggling with little kids, a pregnancy, anxiety and a DH who thinks he can carry on regardless. it is hard in the short term, but your kids will be great mates being so close in age!

[Groundhog]

How old is your dh? 13? He sounds like a prize arse and totally uncaring. You need help and support, not dealing with his pathetic behaviour.

[persephonesnape]

poor nbg.

are you originally from quite far away from where you live now? would it still be possible for our dh to be a good dad if you went back to your mums for a bit. is that even possible? Is there still a bit of your school holidays left? (not for us in scotland...) if so you can maybe go back home for the rest of your holidays (if there is room at your parents...) so dc doesn't miss any school. maintain a polite relationship with dh and see what happens. i think (hope) that some distance may make him realise that he's being an arse. If he's been vile to you before and you've accepted it he may well carry on being horrible - so something has to happen to stop this.

[EffiePerine]

What about a break, to give you both time to think about things?

[MyTwopenceworth]

well, either he doesn't believe you will go, or he doesn't care if you do. Which do you think it is?

[Nbg]

He says he doesnt care if I go. Whether thats true I dont know.

I've just called him at work to tell him we have stayed at home and all I got off him was

what did your mum say, your being dramatic?
i wont be dictated to
and why have i rung him with an attitude

[Nbg]

My mum and dad are only 30 miles away and they have the space for now but I would have to find somewhere to live especially as the baby is due in 3 months.

[MyTwopenceworth]

Tbh, I would not be there when he gets back. I really wouldn't. If only to give him a bloody shock and make him think about what he's doing, and be able to have some space to talk and to think.

What a nasty attitude to have with you.

[Nbg]

I feel so bloody tired now.

I have planned to take the kids to soft play[shudder] with said friend from OP tomorrow.
He working all week apart from friday so if nothing is resolved tomorrow I dont think I have much choice

[Nbg]

how weird that its tried to do a link!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

NBG, if you are struggling with self esteem and mental health issues, then his behaviour is making you worse atm, not better.

I do think some space - on your terms - not his, would be a good idea. Not necessarily anything permanent, maybe just a week away with your parents. Having a week away can perhaps remind him of the things he does like about you, and put things in perspective for him.

He is being unreasonable, wanting to go away just a few weeks after your baby is born. His unwillingness to compromise is startling, tbh.

[littleoldme]

Nbg -

Sounds like it maybe a reaction to his freind dying. Has he behaved like this before?

Do you you have a sensible male freind in common who might be able to discuss this with him. He might listen better to another bloke?

Depending on your situation and state of frustration you might decide to call his bluff. Go and see a solicitor and see what your your financial rights are. This is probably a good thing to do either way.

Unless this issue has been going on for sometime it sound like like it is about much more than going on holiday.

Not that I condone the way he is expressing himself but does he have point about the mental health issues? I mean that genuinely.
As one who has suffered two severe bouts of anxiety and depression, the last one finishing last Summer, I am only now beginning to appreciate how it affected DH. he had to watch me shout, scream not get out of bed for days and not be able to talk about it with out me flying off the handle. We got through it but it was because of him- not me. It is natural to be anxious at the mo but if it is more than that you must see your Doc and get some counselling. I don't presume to know or judge what you are going through but hope this helps.

[Scootergrrrl]

No advice but lots of sympathy. You've got my email if you need anything (except chocolate or a large ipod to stuff up his selfish bits xx)

[Nbg]

Hes really struggled to understand my "problems" but over the last few months he's really got on board and tried to help and understand.

But maybe he doesnt understand after all.

Tomorrow will be D day I think. Either we talk properly and he understands without accusing me of just not wanting him to have a holiday or thats it.

The thoughts of having a 3rd child as a single parent dont fill me with joy though.

Anyway, I should go to bed and try and sleep.
I got naff all last night and I've pulled me bloody neck. On top of farking SPD.

Woe is me