What would you do, because tbh I really dont know.

[Nbg]

This might be long and maybe I should have done a name change but fuck it.
I shall start from the begining so that you see the full picture too.

Basically a friend and colleague of dh (who is now a good friend of mine), her dh died just over a month ago and she has a dd who is the same age as our ds.
Anyway we went for a day out together on Saturday and we said lets look into a holiday for us all next summer. Somewhere like Centre Parcs maybe, nothing too pricey.
So when we got back I got a quote and we were looking at £400 for 5 days away. Then we start looking at Eurocamp hols and the like.
Dh is then bit by the holiday bug and starts looking at allsorts. He then goes on about going snowboarding kind of jokey and I said no way because the new baby will only be 6 months old.
Skip to yesterday and I had gone to bed with retched SPD pain. While I'm there, he's been pricing up holidays to Canada in January.
Last night he starts telling me how it only costs 1.5k to go to Canada to stay in an executive lodge. I say dont be so stupid, new baby will be 1 month old. My response "Oh yeah I didnt think about that".

So to cut a long story short is that he wants to take dd on his own in January and leave me with a one month old baby, ds who will be 16 months and 2 dogs just so he can go snowboarding, not to mention the week snowboarding he's going on in March too. I told him how unhappy I was about that but he still has every intention of going.

Anyway, cue massive argument. I lost it big time and got really upset because he just wouldnt see that I didnt want him to go because of the new baby.
He said he doesnt see what the big deal is, babies only sleep and drink, I need to see a Physciatrist and sort out my mental health issues

Today we have barely spoken but argued again before he went to work.
He said he hated me, wants to go to the solicitors, he doesnt see why he should have to live with my inadequcies (sp, i know its wrong), house will go on the market, i have to cancel the family get together for ds's birthday next week because he hates my family oh and if I dont sprt out my mental health issues by next year hes leaving.

So basically I said that if thats what he was thinking then theres no point in staying around, I would go to my mums and get my name on the council house list and just go.
I told dh I wouldnt be here when he comes home tomorrow from work but I called my mum, she spoke some sense and I am still here.
But tbh I dont know if I want to be.
He will come home tomorrow and still not listen to me or reason and all I can think is why should I live with that.

He's said alot of the things above before and I know alot of it is reactionary but I get so sick of it.
Without making excuses I am struggling atm with anxiety but ffs I'm 24 weeks pg, I think I'm still in shock about being pg so quick and I need a bit of sodding support. Not a dh who thinks its ok to bugger off and book a holiday when our 3rd child will be 1 month old.

So someone please talk some sense to me and tell me what you'd do cos I feel so buggered up atm.
Am just gonna throw my children into bed and then I will be back.

Thank you.

[melsy]

Phew , got me all worried there , enjoy your evening xx

[Scootergrrrl]

Good on you x (I'll keep checking for the ipod now he deserves it )

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Nbg]

Right well in a nutshell everything is ok. We kissed and made up

He basically said that because I had said he wasnt going he dug his heels in because he hates being told what to do and it really made him cross!

He said he appreciates why I dont want him to go and understands that I dont like being on my own at the best of times let alone when I've just given birth! But he said he's finding it difficult to live with the thoughts I have in my head.

I appreciate it must be hard and I am trying but as anyone knows whos had anxiety/depression, its not an easy thing to get through and battle especially when your blinkin hormones are all over the place!

We're going to have a nice evening together now but thank you all for talking with me last night and today. It has really helped me.
Pecka I hope things are ok for you. Grab me on msn if you ned me

[skidoodle]

Why don't you tell him that he can't go away when he's planning as you need to be away at that time and expect him to look after the toddler and newborn?

Make it clear that there's no possible way your trip can be put off for another time and that you will see any attempt by him to even suggest you stay at home and look after your family as an incursion on your freedom.

[HonoriaGlossop]

From reading all your posts Nbg, there is a lot of positive stuff there about your DH. You say he's a great dad, not lazy, and that he has tried to really understand and help with your mental health.

Obviously you have both been angry with eachother and he has certainly said some nasty things.

But on balance it sounds as if there is plenty there that's good. You are right in the middle of THE hardest years and you're both fully aware of how much more work there will be when the new baby comes. But think back just a few months; you felt ok then about a third child with your DH then, I'm presuming....I think it's hard but it's good to remember the positive, as well.

He is being selfish and not understanding of your needs to have him there when the baby comes. But to be quite honest, if he stayed he would not want to be there and I wonder if that's a situation worth creating. Perhaps it's better to bargain with the situation; tell him if he wants to be away then, you will need someone to help you at home, at least with the housework if not the baby. A cleaner every day, or an au-pair type person. Sometimes NNEB students from the local college can be got hold of for short term jobs.

I would make clear to him that I was deeply disappointed in him for his choice but that this was the minimum I'd need in return for accepting it graciously!

And try to take the long view. I only have one child, but a few times I have had to button my lip and think ahead say ten years, to when these stressful early years are over...I imagine the freedom DH will have then that we don't now, the things we'll do as a family, the places we'll go. Making long term plans really helps me to kind of step over the huge troughs and blips of day to day life together as a young family.

[Meeely2]

NBG, my gut instinct is that he's in mini rebellion. He's running scared at the thought of another child and is lashing out albeit verbally. When i was pregs with the DT's my DH went into meltdown. announced he was buying an old mini to do up, when i explained clearly that not only would the twins not fit in, or their buggy, that he wouldn't either (being 6' 3" and 20st).....he threw the biggest sulk, came out with all the insults he could possibly drag up....he was foul. I was beside myself - all over a mini. He went quiet for a few days and then we bought an estate peugeot!

I don't want to make light of anything he has said, but under pressure and lashing out, lots of things are said that shouldn;t be. Dh used the mental health one on me too, but since i was on AD's and they were working for me, i just didnt care!

Basically you need to be the bigger person here and not do 'eye for an eye'.....i used to do 'listen if there is something else on your mind you want to talk about then i will listen - but if you carry on being being so juvenile about a stupid car without thinking rationally then i don't want to listen'

Good luck

[Nbg]

Thank you Dior.

I appreciate that

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Nbg]

Blimey Pecka

Do you think you'll get things sorted?

I've just back from a lovely lunch with my friend and the kids and I just cant be bothered to go through it all when the simple and bottom line is I dont want him going away when the new baby is so young.
Its nothing to do with mental health its just like any other mum, I will need him at home.
I mean he wont have been back at work long from his paternity if he goes!

[melsy]

ohmy pecka , thats awful for you too, Im sorry .

[melsy]

awwwwwwwww nbg ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))). Made my gut wrench reading this. I dont know whast to say for the best, as Ive had similar arguments with my dh. Also related to mental health and all that. I wish I could help calm the turmoil in some way for you. There is some good advice here and I know you are not going to know which way to go yet , I dont have much advice about what to do about dh , as Ive typed out sentance after sentance and deleted it ,as it all sounds like what youve heard over and over or its just not very helpful. Just know Im here for you to talk with and a shoulder (metaphorically speaking) , to cry on.

It would be soo good for you to have some eft, as I get upset for you knowing what your feeling and knowing how it can be eased . and if dh soo wants you to get help , then tell him to use the holiday money to support you in this.

See I just cant write anything helpful , as Im soo angry with yor dh , as its sooo like my dh when I was in the pit of it all .

all my healing strength to you hun xxxxxxxx

[PeckaRolloverAgain]

NBG (((HUGS))) hope your ok honey, its a bit of a coincidence as me and DH had similarily horrible row whilst on holiday and we split up whilst we were away.

Got back on sat and he is still not home - i have been really tough with him about demanding what kind of treatment Im prepared to put up with and touch wood he is coming round.

He has asked if he can come round tonight to talk - SO my opinion is, in my recent experience dig your heels in and let him go through the motions of leaving might give him a shock.

Why should he be able to call the shots?

Im convinced in my case its something subconciously to do with me being pregnant - as if in a caveman sort of way he just takes me for granted when I am with his child - do you think?

[Nbg]

Morning

Feel a bit better this morning but I ended up doing that waking up every 2 hour trick.

Will just have to wait till he comes home and see from there.
I'm still reeling a bit from the fact that me not wanting him to go makes him think he's being dictated to ffs.

Anyway, I'm going to take the kids out and come back for when he gets home.

[LazyLineLegilimens]

Good luck, Nbg

[cousinsandra]

hope you had a good sleep last night. It's really difficult in these situations as you are sitting waiting to see what he's going to do and feeling physically and mentally not up to it. But whatever happens, you will be able to cope with it, even if it means a very tough few months. I know that's easy for me to say, but you sound like you know yourself pretty well and the fact that you're on AD's is a point in your favour, not against - at least you're taking steps to make things better for you and those around you.

[Scootergrrrl]

Sleep well (and email me your address for some vile American chocolate) xxx

[Nbg]

Anyway I must go to bed but I'll come back to this in the morning.

Thank you all for talking with me.
It really helps.

[Nbg]

lol Scooter
Thank you. x

littleoldme, it wansnt his friend that died, it was his colleagues husband who has now become a good friend of ours.
In a way he must have had enough of the mental side of things.
I have spent alot of time in bed. I will admit some of that was/is because its a nice safe place but the rest is pg related and the fact that we have had huge problems with ds and his sleep.
I feel perpetually tired.

I'm also struggling to get help because alot of my "issues" are to do with medical things, so a trip to the dr's is a huge deal for me.
God I sound pathetic.

I must get hold of my mw about a CPN.

[Scootergrrrl]

I'll be thinking of you. Good luck x

[Nbg]

Hes really struggled to understand my "problems" but over the last few months he's really got on board and tried to help and understand.

But maybe he doesnt understand after all.

Tomorrow will be D day I think. Either we talk properly and he understands without accusing me of just not wanting him to have a holiday or thats it.

The thoughts of having a 3rd child as a single parent dont fill me with joy though.

Anyway, I should go to bed and try and sleep.
I got naff all last night and I've pulled me bloody neck. On top of farking SPD.

Woe is me

[Scootergrrrl]

No advice but lots of sympathy. You've got my email if you need anything (except chocolate or a large ipod to stuff up his selfish bits xx)

[littleoldme]

Nbg -

Sounds like it maybe a reaction to his freind dying. Has he behaved like this before?

Do you you have a sensible male freind in common who might be able to discuss this with him. He might listen better to another bloke?

Depending on your situation and state of frustration you might decide to call his bluff. Go and see a solicitor and see what your your financial rights are. This is probably a good thing to do either way.

Unless this issue has been going on for sometime it sound like like it is about much more than going on holiday.

Not that I condone the way he is expressing himself but does he have point about the mental health issues? I mean that genuinely.
As one who has suffered two severe bouts of anxiety and depression, the last one finishing last Summer, I am only now beginning to appreciate how it affected DH. he had to watch me shout, scream not get out of bed for days and not be able to talk about it with out me flying off the handle. We got through it but it was because of him- not me. It is natural to be anxious at the mo but if it is more than that you must see your Doc and get some counselling. I don't presume to know or judge what you are going through but hope this helps.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

NBG, if you are struggling with self esteem and mental health issues, then his behaviour is making you worse atm, not better.

I do think some space - on your terms - not his, would be a good idea. Not necessarily anything permanent, maybe just a week away with your parents. Having a week away can perhaps remind him of the things he does like about you, and put things in perspective for him.

He is being unreasonable, wanting to go away just a few weeks after your baby is born. His unwillingness to compromise is startling, tbh.

[Nbg]

how weird that its tried to do a link!