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Relationships

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Original poster

11 year engagement...? Shall i walk?

32 replies

Mummybear147 · 06/10/2019 20:33

Hi..
My fiance has been dragging his feet for the past 11 years with our engagement, we have two young children but im starting to feel a little resentful of it all of late...am i been a mug? We speak often about marriage but it always seems 'we cant afford it at the moment' whenever that particular time frame was when i last checked it was happening. Im feeling super let down and kinda questioning if ive just been strung along here. Advise ladies. Thanks xx

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2019 20:34

Yeah you're wasting your time, he clearly doesn't want to marry you if it's been 11 years!

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 20:36

Yup walk,you can get married for £100 or so...

Hassled · 06/10/2019 20:36

Well it depends really on how much it matters to you - I mean clearly it does, or you wouldn't have posted, but does it matter enough to end a relationship assuming you're otherwise happy? Some people just don't like the concept of marriage - it doesn't mean they're not committed.

How are things financially - house in both names etc? If he decided to walk, would you be OK for money?

MutedUser · 06/10/2019 20:37

It would be a deal breaker for me .

WickedLemon · 06/10/2019 20:38

There’s dragging your feet... and then there’s getting engaged with absolutely no intention of getting married.

Your fiancé has done the latter.

Go book a registry office for 6 weeks time, tell him there’s no expense, no planning, no drama, and you’ll get 2 witnesses off the street.

His response will tell you all you need to know.

Longdistance · 06/10/2019 20:40

I’m in agreement, I’d walk. My dh proposed to me after a year and we married a year later. Eleven years is taking the piss!
You could do registry office and down the pub after.

JasonPollack · 06/10/2019 20:40

Are you a SAHM? Because I have learnt from mumsnet that that is a difficult situation to be in whilst unmarried were you ever to split.

UnicornsExist · 06/10/2019 20:42

What sort of wedding do you want? A budget do or the big posh bash which is going to cost thousands?
If the relationship is otherwise sound and you want to have the security of being married, get booked into the registrary office and have a simple, cheap do. You can always do the big expensive bash at a later date if it is important to you. If he won't accept a cheap wedding then he has shown it isn't the money that is the problem.

healthylifestylee · 06/10/2019 20:43

Yes you can do a wedding in the cheap
But
You can also save for years and have your dc older to really partake in the day and splash out on the things that are important to you

Do you want a wedding more than a man who has stayed loyally with you for 11+ years?

Livelovelearn1 · 06/10/2019 20:44

Maybe he sees it as some sort of formality as he clearly has been with u for 11 years, i assume he has been a good partner. If marriage is important to you, why dont you just tell him lets do it and go sign the register. Maybe he feels overwhelmed at the thought of spending lots of money on one day. Get married (register and a nice romantic night together) and tell him you can plan a celebration of your union at a later date (for family and friends). If he refuses to that too... then maybe you can start wondering about his intentions... (im in a long term engagement too, weve obviosuly gone through our ups and downs durin the years and havent spoken about marriage for ages. ...

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 20:49

My DH wanted to be married but didn't want a wedding, we found a solution/compromise but I was ready to walk!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/10/2019 20:50

Are you named on a mortgage and or title deeds to the property?.

I would do as wickedlemon suggested and book a registry office wedding. His response to this will indeed tell you all there is to know. He has dragged his feet here for too long, I am wondering if he does not at heart want to share.

Ffsnosexallowed · 06/10/2019 20:52

We're at 25 years. Getting married had just never been a priority for either of us. Legally we've got wills, house, pensions etc sorted.

helpmum2003 · 06/10/2019 20:55

You need financial protection apart from anything else. I would give an ultimatum of wedding (reg office) or civil partnership.

If he says no I'd be building my career and consider ending the relationship.

virginpinkmartini · 06/10/2019 20:56

Am I missing something here? Are people suggesting for OP to walk out on her relationship (which has produced two children) because he won't get married? The act of marriage itself is more important than the actual partner/ family unit?

MaudebeGonne · 06/10/2019 20:56

Do you want to be married or do you want a wedding too? It may be that the whole idea of planning a wedding is just paralysing him. If being married is important to you, then you might have to compromise on a wedding. If you want the wedding as well, then you need to talk to him. He needs to know that if he can’t give you this, then you can’t carry on. It won’t be easy, and I can completely understand why it is important to you. I hope he can too.

virginpinkmartini · 06/10/2019 20:58

I'm sorry, but if marriage was such a deal breaker, why have children first (which is arguably more of a binding thing to do with someone than get married.)

WickedLemon · 06/10/2019 20:59

@virginpinkmartini I think it’s more about the deception, the stringing her along for 11 years and 2 children, that he wants to get married, when he clearly doesn’t.

holidays987 · 06/10/2019 21:00

Is the cost of a wedding the only reason he doesn't want to / keeps putting it off? Or is there any other reason.
Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

j3mz · 06/10/2019 21:01

My sister and her bf was engaged for 10 years and 3 kids (ome angel) and she gave him him an ultimatum 2years ago she was sick of the excuses and you know what proposed to her they got married last year!

firstimemamma · 06/10/2019 21:03

Have you been saving for a wedding in those 11 years at all op? If there hasn't been any kind of preparation in all that time at all then I'd start to question things. After all 11 years is a very long time to be engaged.

Apileofballyhoo · 06/10/2019 21:12

Marriage is a legal contract that affects finances.

What is your current financial set up?

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/10/2019 21:16

@virginpinkmartini
Am I missing something here? Are people suggesting for OP to walk out on her relationship (which has produced two children) because he won't get married? The act of marriage itself is more important than the actual partner/ family unit?

Totally agree.

OP if it was a dealbreaker for you, why didn't you decide this and walk before bringing two children into the world? Walking away from their dad has huge ramifications for them presuming he is an active and living parent.

Elieza · 06/10/2019 21:20

What does he think a good wedding should be like, preferably he will have spoken about his own but if not has he spoken of a friends wedding he said he really enjoyed?

What does HE think YOU would want the wedding to be like?

If either of the answers conflict or both cost lots of money then these things could be so much of an issue it’s putting him off? It may not be the marriage that’s the problem, it’s the Big Day that’s the issue?

Easy way to resolve, as others have said, would be to talk about it and make it known you just want to have a special day together and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune, he can wear his favourite outfit and you can buy a really nice dress cheaply so no expense, a bunch of flowers from Asda and a couple of strangers off the street as witnesses etc and see what he says. If he refuses to talk then it’s clearly something else that’s the problem. Could be he fears commitment, or financial worries, or his parents would moan if they weren’t invited, or a big days expected and he’ll be a failure if it doesn’t happen etc. Or that you say something and then change your mind (eg ‘we don’t need to go for a meal’ changes into ‘I just booked the local savoy hotel for a meal for six’ and he doesn’t want debt? Who knows the workings of his mind! Talk!

Veterinari · 06/10/2019 21:27

The legal protection of marriage is important. Who is his next of kin in case of an accident/emergency?
Do you work?
Who owns the property?
Common law rights don’t Exist and many people sneer about the need for marriage but when critical illness or relationship breakdowns occur it’s often the unmarried who are stuffed

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