How did you decide enough was enough with a grumpy/moaning OH?

[PennyandtheJetz]

DH is constantly grumpy and moaning. He's always in a bad mood and never ever positive or happy it seems.

We're currently doing extensive house renovations (that he chose to and wanted to do) and they have made him in even more of a bad mood. It's been 6 months now and all he's done is moan.

It was my birthday on Thursday and we had a day out and again all he did was moan; he moaned about the weather, he was tired, he was too hot, too cold, he needed a wee. Everything.

He's got a constant face like thunder even when we are doing fun family things. Today he has moaned all day, saying he's tired. He's moaned about the rain about 10 times (I don't particularly like rain either but it is what it is. It's not like moaning can stop rain!), he's moaned about the kids, about the dogs, about everything.

If ever I tackle him about his moods he laughs and says 'YOU can talk! All you do is moan!' Which is not true at all as I make a huge effort to be upbeat and positive as a person.

I'm getting to the stage where enough is enough. I don't feel like I can put up with it for much longer.

He has also never got a positive comment to say about anything or anyone and constantly criticises me.

You can LTB at any time for any reason.

Has he always been like this? Could he be actually depressed rather than just moany?

Its been ongoing and getting worse for 10 years or so. I've suggested in the pat that he might be depressed but he's said he would never ever see a doctor about depression and for me to shut up.

Yeah the very first time my spouse told me to shut up would be the last damn time I spoke to him.Ever

From the start of the day count out loud each moan. 1,2,3,4,5,6, and so on. OH was baffled at first, why was I counting so I told him. now if I start counting he shuts up. He really has no idea how often he moans.

Tells you to shut up?

Don't bother with the GP, he'd best fuck off to a divorce lawyer, then.

Happy people don't act like that. Either he's depressed, or just not happy with his life, or both.

If you've tried to speak to him about it, and he won't, I honestly don't see what else you can do.

I would be incredibly fed up of that by now, I honestly would.

Urgh get rid. He’ll only get worse. Of course after he will be shocked and totally unaware that he has done anything to make you want to leave.

I've suggested in the pat that he might be depressed but he's said he would never ever see a doctor about depression and for me to shut up.

He sounds a peach

He’s obviously not listening to you so he needs to understand how serious this is. I’d tell him you’re concerned about him because he’s so negative. I’d also ask him if he’s happy because he gives you the impression that he isn’t.

I’d give him an ultimatum-that something has to change so he either gets help by going to the Dr or to counselling or the end of your relationship will be dawning.

He sounds like a complete fun sponge. If he's not prepared to do anything about it, you've got 2 choices, stay or leave.

My partner is literally the same. He has been unhappy at work for a long while. We had a massive hiccup un our relationship (that i dont think weve overcome) at the beginnin of summer. He has been diagnosed with chronic ilness he is finding hard to cope with. All he does is snap and moan . He is always on edge. Not nice to be around. I dont know what to tell you cause i wonder the same every second of the day. I want to be supportive but its getting to the point where being around him is toxic. You say he has been like this for years... cant see how its gonna change and it will really eat up at u. See what the positives and negatives of stayin are.... and go from there....

XP was like this. Last straw was him getting a dog that 'couldn't be left alone' so we could never go out anywhere (or anywhere that the dog couldn't go too, anyway) so he was excused every having to leave the house.

I felt like I was always being obliged to be 'over the top' happy and animated and PollyAnnaish to counteract his miseryguts behaviour. It was exhausting.

Sounds like my XDH OP. It's miserable and exhausting. You have the joy-sapping moaning pulling you down whilst trying to put on a bright, happy front and constantly on edge waiting for the next thing that will set them off. We could have the loveliest day, but the one little thing that wasn't perfect would negate the 95% that was and be gone over constantly.

It's selfish and in many ways incredibly controlling behaviour - everything is about them and how they feel. The impact of their behaviour on everyone else simply doesn't matter.

I'd suggest talking to him, make clear how far this is pushing you and see what his reaction is. I did try to have those conversations, but of course I then became another thing that was making his life difficult. There was no discussion to be had, just a snappy 'well if I'm so awful let's just get divorced then!' It was intended to shut me down, but after a while that's exactly what I did. Two years later and I couldn't be happier.

Life is too short to have someone constantly pulling you down. But, like a PP has said, if you do get to that point, be prepared for the feigned shock and surprise that will inevitably follow.

I called it a day when i realised the enjoyment of anything we did as a couple, was removed by his negativity.. I couldn't enjoy going for a meal, going to see a film, going to the beach etc with him. Where were the pleasures of spending time with this person? What was the point of being with them? especially when you have to constantly try and jolly them up, it's knackering!..
If it's depression, that can be sorted, but my XP wasn't like it with other people, so i really thought his behaviour was controlling. Constantly trying to bring me down, like i wasn't allowed to have a nice time, ever.. and as for your OH saying 'YOU can talk, all you do is moan', thats transference pure and simple!
Being told to shut up would be the last straw, in my case it was being called stupid.
Since walking away, and it took me years, it feels like a huge cloud has been lifted from my life. If your OH won't listen to you, sounds like your time has come to walk away too.

Could be the street angel home devil scenario, if they are cheerful in company.

www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/dear-mary-my-husband-is-a-street-angel-but-an-ignorant-bullying-devil-at-home-35480581.html

Thank you all so much for the replies and advice. It's all appreciated very much!

I feel as though he is just killing my love for him. Like one of you has said upthread, I also feel as though I have to be super positive and chirpy all the time to offset his grumpiness.

In addition to the moaning there is also the constant sighing and huffing, and just making a big deal out of everything. He's just gone up to bed and I could hear him huffing and banging up in the bedroom, presumably because something minor such as the curtains not being shut yet had made him cross.

I don't know about you Penny but it's enough to actually put you off any relationship ever again. I recognise so much of what you say. I had the harrumphing today because I hadn't cleared the vegetable rack,, which of course is my job

Yes I totally agree!

My dad was like this and it's put me off being married to anyone, or being in a relationship with anyone who's like this.

Think how much more relaxed you'd be without this in your life.

There's no fun in it, and the criticizing and stropping is abuse or verging on abuse. LTB and steer clear of him.

Hugs xxx

My exH was exactly like this. Never been happier since I don't have to live with all that any more.

The feigned shock is very true, though.....and gets transmitted to all around, including the kids. You get all the blame.

My advice if you're going to do it is to have as many hard conversations as you can stand (before you leave) about how much his behaviour is driving you mad. Make it as clear as you can.....you never know, it might even work for actually changing his behaviour!

It is a tactic used to be the center of attention.
No matter what you do/say/wear/eat/drink/laugh/thrill at/ignore/engage/buy/cook/forget/remember and on and on and on, you will never make him happy.
He has learned that being a misery has everyone around him jumping to try to put things right for him.
What a happy life you could have without him.

I think I'd be a bit less resentful about his moods if he held his hands up and admitted that he was a moody git. I find it confusing and upsetting how he tries to turn it round on me all of the time and says that I'm the moody one.

Mine starts most sentences with something like: I'm not, I won't, I don't like, I don't want. Never anything positive. It's just draining.

Hi
My partner is always moaning and I find ways of dealing with it like getting away more enjoying going to pub with music and dancing with friends etc . He told me off today for not saying hi to him when back from shopping and also I hadn't said hello properly when coming back from being away for 2 days . I feel like staying away for good but have a house 2 teenage kids here etc house is in joint names .