How did you decide enough was enough with a grumpy/moaning OH?

[PennyandtheJetz]

DH is constantly grumpy and moaning. He's always in a bad mood and never ever positive or happy it seems.

We're currently doing extensive house renovations (that he chose to and wanted to do) and they have made him in even more of a bad mood. It's been 6 months now and all he's done is moan.

It was my birthday on Thursday and we had a day out and again all he did was moan; he moaned about the weather, he was tired, he was too hot, too cold, he needed a wee. Everything.

He's got a constant face like thunder even when we are doing fun family things. Today he has moaned all day, saying he's tired. He's moaned about the rain about 10 times (I don't particularly like rain either but it is what it is. It's not like moaning can stop rain!), he's moaned about the kids, about the dogs, about everything.

If ever I tackle him about his moods he laughs and says 'YOU can talk! All you do is moan!' Which is not true at all as I make a huge effort to be upbeat and positive as a person.

I'm getting to the stage where enough is enough. I don't feel like I can put up with it for much longer.

Hes always saying he has no money yet hes on nearly 3500 a month . We have a lot of bills to pay and I am on a low wage but feel he has more than enough . Do you think I am unreasonable ? I keep wanting to escape but I am worried about all the upheaval and being on my own . I st still care about him sadly we haven't been intimate for 4 years !

@PennyandtheJetz

My other half has turned into Victor Meldrew. For the last 10 years he has done nothing but moan. I just woke up to find he asleep on our new sofa yet again after he promised he wouldn't sleep on it. I turned the tv off and he hit roof saying how dare you turn off my tv ... I said how can you watch tv when your are asleep? I won't repeat what he just said ....

find him asleep

He's had his first few moans of the day already. The main moan was about being late for a meeting he has this morning. The reason he was running late is because he was sat on the fucking toilet for half an hour as per usual!

And he's still moaning today! We went out for lunch and all he did was huff, puff and moan.

I'm going to have to talk with him about it but it's so hard as he just blames me and says I'm the moaner.

Do you moan? My response to every gripe would be that's nice

No I'm not a moaner at all. I try to be a positive person and certainly have to be now to compensate for his negativity.

I did advise you to start counting the moans, calmly and clearly. To draw his attention to the sheer volume of them.

I’d have to start playing my tiny violin every time he started whingeing... but then I’ve been told I am an arsehole

OMG this is my EX. He was never happy (oh sorry, unless he was going out with his mates). He used to criticise me and everyone else around him. He would moan and shout at the kids. Moan he was tired or basically anything at all. He was basically never happy. We bought a new build house so we had a lot of snagging issues and, instead of just getting on with it he would moan on and on about it and be in an even worse mood.
He also used to think everyone and everything was against him!!
This might sound awful, but I actually ended things (after 17 years) when his mum was dying of cancer. This might sound callous but he became absolutely unbearable (more than usual) and I started to become ill with anxiety because of it.
We've been split for over 2 years and he still looks like a miserable git, even with a new girlfriend.

Oh, and my ex used to 'gaslight' me too and make out it was ME who was the moaner!!! unbelievable. If he did something negative and I called him out on it, he would just say it was me who was doing it. Bizarre.

Cut your losses and leave before he zaps the joy out of you, and he will.

My exdh is like this.

I think it was/is his way of expressing anxiety. E.g. He would never say "I feel overwhelmed by my job, can we chat about how I could cope better, I need your ideas".

He'd just moan and huff about work... I realize now he was waiting for me to guess that he needed me to tell him how to cope better, or, he was trying to manipulate me into cutting him slack in childcare and household tasks so that he would have less on his plate which, he imagined, would reduce his anxiety and stress.

This way, he never "emasculated" himself by being vulnerable and open about his struggles, but still got me to solve his problems for him.

It was fucking stupid.

He's still like this, he can't message me and say "please could you drive the DC to school" (i.e. ask for what he needs), he has to say "my car won't start" (i.e. moan) and then wait for me to offer to drive them (rescue him from his circumstances without actually asking for help). He will then get angry if I don't offer, and if I do offer, he gets to tell me how ridiculous I am that I insist the DC go to school... UGH.

It seems a small thing but in practice it means that he's never responsible for any solution to anything. I come up with ALL solutions. He can then also have the luxury of not being responsible if the solution I come up with doesn't work, he can moan about how shit I am.

IMO the moaning thing with men comes down to -

• they're trained never to ask for what they need or admit they need help
• they don't want to be responsible for things
• they want their partner to slowly take responsibility for EVERYTHING because she just wants him to stop fucking moaning
• they get a little kick of power/ego by being the complainer who breaks other people down and judges their efforts as not good enough

... in the end, frequently it becomes what I was faced with and what I eventually divorced: A marriage where everything was my job, and he could do FUCK all, while haranguing me for being controlling / incompetent / etc. Horror story.

Mine used to moan about things that nobody could do anything about. Like the weather. Or the fact he'd already seen this episode of Midsomer Murders. Or that he hadn't got a high paying job (despite the fact he had no qualifications at all), or that his parents annoyed him. No problems that needed solving or situations in which he could be helped. He just enjoyed being negative.

Mine criticised me 4 times today (all repeat criticisms). I've actually decided none of it is worth distressing our lovely boy so I'm checking out MN for moral support :-/ Good luck OP x

My DH tells me to shut up. Now my 7 year old son tells me to shut up...

I left my husband after 29yrs, he was miserable I was on anti depressants. We went on holiday for two weeks when we got back I told him I just couldn't do this any more and left.

I am now happy with a man who is amazing, we laugh and enjoy life.

Life really is too short to waste

rvby, you could be describing my exDH too. Yes to always having to come up with the solutions even now we're divorced. I just keep quiet now and say nothing so he has to find his own way to do things. He does whinge to the DC though about things they can't change (if they don't facetime him one night he complains about being lonely and interrogates them about why they didn't call - they're 5 and 8 and obviously NEVER call off their own back, it's always me instigating it and also... he could call them?). Drives me mad.